It was a busy weekend with very little time to post.
The LA Times had this interesting article yesterday: “Solo Performances: Single Women Now Make Up the Second Largest Segment of Home Buyers”. It has me musing on a variety of things.
Here is how it opens:
A woman’s place is in the home, traditionalists proclaimed four decades ago, amid much protest from feminists. Today, a woman’s place is her home, and she is more likely than ever before to own it.
Women have arrived.
Whether single, divorced or widowed, they are purchasing homes in record numbers, thanks to low interest rates, increased earning power and a desire to make a sound investment, according to several studies.
Single women are now the second-largest segment of the home-buying market, according to the National Assn. of Realtors. In 2003, they accounted for 21% of home purchases, trailing married couples — who made up 59% of the market — but well ahead of single men at 11%. However, homeownership among unmarried women with children lags far behind their wealthier male counterparts.
Because many women are earning higher salaries than ever before, the barriers to buying a home without a husband have all but disappeared, housing experts say. Additionally, low interest rates are allowing even the most wary buyers to get into their first homes, with an eye toward moving up if and when they find a life partner.
“Before, women dreamt that they’d meet a man who would buy them a house,” said Teresa Sotelo, a divorced media executive who owns a home in Alhambra. “Get over it! Women today are having kids on their own; they’re not waiting for Prince Charming anymore.”
I think there’s a lot there to unpack (By the way, I was raised to distinguish between “houses” and “homes”. The former is an objective term describing a dwelling, the latter a psychological term describing a feeling. No one seems to make that distinction anymore, but I think it would be helpful if we did.)
I’m not surprised that single women are buying houses at twice the rate of single men. I’m also not surprised that those single women who can afford to buy houses are generally childless; the economics of single motherhood haven’t gotten much better over the years. And I’m not surprised that single women often choose to buy condos and townhomes rather than stand-alone dwellings; the reason, as the article points out, is not only one of price but also one of community and safety.
The article quotes a 30 year-old classical musician named Alwyn Wright (gotta love the Welsh name), who just bought a condo in Encino:
“Am I worried? Yes, it’s scary,” Wright said. “But I also found the experience empowering. The old stigma about women buying a home on her own is being replaced with a new sense of independence.”
On the one hand, as a feminist, I’m thrilled that more and more women have the financial resources to strike out on their own. I’m glad that the economic and cultural barriers to owning property without a man are falling. But I’m struck by the fact that so many more single women than single men are doing so. What I want to know is, how many of these women would love to find a truly good, decent man with whom to build a life? How many see singleness as a fulfilling end in and of itself? How many see it as second-best to a true companionate marriage, but better than being locked in an unhappy and dependent union? Why aren’t more single men buying houses?
Raised by a single mother, I’ve always had profound admiration for strong and independent women. I recognize how difficult it is for women to find men in this culture who will honor that strength and independence. While many of my brothers claim to like strong women, a rather notable number of guys are also intimidated by them. On the other hand, there are men who are delighted to have strong women around, because these fellows want to be mothered by their girlfriends and wives. There aren’t quite as many guys as there ought to be who are willing and able to do the difficult task of partnering with an equal! I know plenty of 30- and 40-something women who are single, economically successful, and eager to find true love. But because they have the education and resources to live in comfort independently, they’ll be darned if they’re going to settle for the first man who comes along. These women want marriage, but they would rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.
Some of my male friends say “women today expect too much.” These guys are uncertain as to how to cope with strong, independent, single women. Especially for the boys raised in traditional households, it is difficult for them to “feel like a man” when their wife makes as much or more money than they do. (Of course, many men, especially outside of the wealthier classes, are aware that economic realities may make it impossible for one man’s salary to provide for his entire family.) But what most men are really saying when they say “women today expect too much” is this: “If a woman is independent, I can’t get away with being a bad husband.” If a wife has an education and a job, she will find it far easier to leave a man who cheats, drinks too much, or is emotionally unavailable. Women’s economic viability thus acts as a check on bad male behavior!
Most single women I know (at least over 25) aren’t waiting for Prince Charming. But their education and their income means they don’t have to “settle” for the fiscally and/or physically incompetent, the emotionally immature and the psychologically unavailable, either. In the past, women’s lack of economic power has guaranteed most men access to wives. That’s no longer the case for a sizeable percentage of young Americans, and I’m inclined to think that’s a good thing.
My question this morning is for myself and for my brothers: What can we do to become men more worth marrying? If already married, what can we do to become men more worth staying with for a lifetime? You see, I still believe that the vast majority of human beings are called to marriage. But I think our individual and collective failings as men have done great damage to the institution of marriage. (A hell of a lot more damage than gays and lesbians ever could.) It is axiomatic that most divorces in this country are initiated by women; I suspect that the overwhelming majority of those divorces are responses to profoundly disappointing male behavior. And I think that the stunning rise in single women buying houses is a function of that same phenomenon.
I’m not letting women entirely off the hook, mind you. But as a man, I can’t change a woman. I can change myself, and then model that change for other men. I’m never going to be Prince Charming. But I’m trying to be Prince Competent. Heck, it’s gotta be a start.
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