Here at Pasadena City College, we have a very high number of Armenians in our student body. Indeed, the largest concentration of Armenians outside their native land can be found in the Glendale-Pasadena area, or so I’m told. What I’m going to focus on in this post is hardly unique to Armenian culture, but it is something I see most often among this particular ethnic group.
A former student of mine came to see me in office hours yesterday. We’ll call her Anita, though that is not anything like her real name. Anita is twenty, and took two of my classes last year. She’s trying to transfer to a university far away from home, and had asked me for a letter of recommendation. Anita was one of my best students in the 2003-2004 academic year. A gifted writer, she was talkative and gregarious, good-humored and remarkably insightful. Her essays — even in-class ones — were polished gems. She easily earned the highest grade in each of the courses she took with me. At the end of last semester, Anita told me she planned to be a lawyer.
Anita’s family does not want her to be a lawyer. They want her married (to a wealthy Armenian, of course) and a mother as soon as possible. She’s almost 21, and still has no boyfriend and no marriage proposal, and that has mom and dad worried. (If I were her dad, I’d be ecstatic.) Her younger sister (19) is already engaged. Anita’s parents want her to finish her degree nearby (UCLA, USC) and of course, live at home under their roof so they can “keep an eye on her”. Anita doesn’t want to marry until she’s much older, finished with her degree, and settled in her career as an attorney. Horror of horrors, she thinks she might want to marry a non-Armenian, because she has no desire to be a “well-coiffed, baklava-making housewife” (her words, mind you) subject to the rigid expectations of her culture. At the same time, her culture is all she’s ever known –and she fears shaming her family and being rejected by those she loves.
She poured all this out to me in my office yesterday morning.
First of all. it’s very, very hard for me to be tolerant of cultures that regard inter-marriage and assimilation as disasters. In my family, inter-ethnic marriage is the norm. My father is ethnically Jewish (from a blessedly assimilated background), my mother WASP. I have first and second cousins who have, in the last decade, married men of Chinese, Indian, and Costa Rican origin. (And made gorgeous babies with them!) My own fiancee is African/Colombian/Croatian. For mere aesthetic reasons alone, marrying outside one’s “race” seems quite sensible! For good liberals, it also seems like the most intelligent and enduring way to smash — forever — racism and prejudice. In my experience, “wanting to preserve one’s culture” by insisting on marriage within that culture is bigotry with a veneer of preservationism to justify it. I’m a big advocate of marrying and mating until everyone is a pleasing shade of brown. I’m trying to do my part!
It’s also hard for me to be appreciative of cultures that assiduously undermine the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of bright, ambitious, immensely capable young women! Anita has a mind like a steel trap — and a wit to match. Her parents don’t seem to care much, except to warn her that with that mouth, she’ll scare away all of the men. Her affluent family has no intention of helping pay for college if it means that she will move away — but they have no problem paying for expensive clothes and jewelry for their daughters to help them “fit in” with their peers. (Anita had a very real, very large, Louis Vuitton handbag with her yesterday.) She is misunderstood and underappreciated and undervalued, and she wanted to vent.
I listened to her vent. I thought, as she did so, about what advice to give. (She was asking!) I chose my words carefully, not wanting to cast aspersions upon an ancient, rich,and complex culture. But when she asked me whether I thought she should continue to try and buck her family’s wishes, it was all that I could do not to burst out, “Hell yes, sister!” I told her to keep on applying to schools out of the area. I told her I would help her with scholarship applications. If she ends up at UCLA or USC, I urged her not to let go of her dreams of law school — again, perhaps, far away. I told her that her first obligation was not to honor her parents and her culture, but to honor the gifts that she had been given. I laughingly told her of the old United Negro College Fund slogan: “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” (Poor dear, like most 20-somethings, she didn’t know those ads.) I gave her as impassioned a good, old-fashioned pep talk as I could. I told her to keep in touch. I told her I was in her corner. Anita’s smile was wide when she left, but there was a pleasing steeliness in her eyes as well.
But I’m not feeling all that self-congratulatory. As a man from a liberal, Americanized, secular middle-class background, it’s easy for me to preach the doctrine of “to thine own self be true.” I haven’t paid a high price in my life for pursuing my dreams. As the day went on, I began to wonder if I had really done anything worthwhile for Anita. Yes, I had praised her intelligence and her wit and her work ethic. (Her family cares more about her looks and her hymen than her grades.) Yes, I had given her an honest assessment of her abilities — which, frankly, are tremendous. Yes, I had urged her to follow her dreams. But in doing so, had I carelessly condemned a culture which I barely understand? Had I really taken account of the cost of the rebellion I was advocating? Was I taking any responsibility for my advice?
I’ve known many Anitas. Many are Armenian. Some are Muslim. One was an orthodox Jewish gal (a rare site in Pasadena.) Another was from a conservative Sikh family. All are bright, though rarely as bright as yesterday’s visitor. All are caught between the expectations of their own cultures and the shining promise of autonomy and fulfillment in secular, Westernized American society. At times, I feel like a darned Pied Piper, merrily playing a seductive tune designed to get these young women out of their ethnic ghettos and medieval restrictions and into the tantalizing world of the life of the mind. I believe I am doing them a service, though even at the college level, I’ve had more than one call from an angry parent! But I worry. Am I missing something? Is my advice given too blithely? Is my own liberal Westernness blinding me to positive aspects of these cultures whose mores and expectations I so regularly disparage?
I wonder. But I have no doubts this morning that Anita will make a damn fine lawyer.
Yeah, that’s a tough one. My mother is a very smart person — she’s a university professor now. But back when I was a kid she was a housewife, and I’m glad she was there. So I don’t think that smart women are necessarily “wasted” devoting themselves to childrearing.I can also sympathize with these ethnic enclaves not wanting to lose their sense of community into the atomizing forces of American society.
Where the problem comes in, I think, is that women are generally expected to bear the burden of all that. The Amish, for instance, expect both sexes to stick to the premodern template, so neither is allowed to go off chasing an exciting career as a lawyer or something. But when men are allowed to “go modern” and women are left with the task of keeping family and community together, it’s inequitable.
I can’t speak to Armenian society particularly, but that’s my overall observation.
I see no moral reason to be “tolerant” of other socities in the sense of pretending all are equally wonderful. They’re not. You’re advice to Anita was spot on.
I’m confused; you said that Anita’s parents didn’t want her to be a lawyer, but that they were willing to pay for her education if she attended close to home. Does that mean that they would allow her to study law if she went to UCLA or USC? Or is that off limits whether they pay or not? She is fortunate if they agree to pay regardless of her field of study, even if it means sticking close to home. Shame on them for not paying should she move to the other side of the country, as they obviously can afford to and by not doing so they are forcing Anita to apply for scholarships, some of which she may be winning away from those who can’t afford to pay. See where i’m going with that? If my parents said, we found a way to pay for school, but want you to move close to us, i’d do it in a heartbeat! I’m desperate to finish school, but can’t as I have to work and there aren’t a whole lot (if any) scholarships for 30 something white girls. Anyway, I digress. I agree with you Hugo about wanting to mix things up, in regards to culture. The whole melting pot thing. I think the advice you gave Anita was good and that it came from the right place. Of course if Anita choses to go against her family she risks losing them altogether and that is no trifling loss. Are you going to be there to help her pick up the pieces? At the same time, from what i’ve observed from friends, going against one’s family and one’s culture and marrying outside that culture (before, during or after a career) is usually a forgivable offense once the first grandbaby arrives, that of course assuming that there is a baby. If there isn’t I’d like to think that her family would still forgive her and come to accept her for who she is, even if it is a bit down the road. Of course that’s just me talking and me wishing, the reality of such could be that they will never forgive her. Anita has quite a dilemma, I don’t envy her (except for the part about her parents paying for school) one iota. Will you let us know what she decides? Sorry that was so completely LONG.
Her parents are happy to help her finish school, where she can meet a nice husband. She can also have a part-time career until she has children, and help make ends meet.
You can also handle this in a sneaky way. Tell her she could tell her parents that with a law degree she can snare the most eligible Armenian-heritage man and be a trophy wife like the wives of senators and presidents. Tell her to butter up the folks by learning to cook the best baklava in town. It isn’t that hard, only fattening to anyone within 5 miles of the baklava. Many an East Indian woman has handled the situation this way - and married her choice , not her parents’ choice. By that time, they may get used to things - “at least she’s finally married”. Of course, if Armenians don’t view educated housewives as status symbols, this won’t work.
She might also point out to them that American divorce laws do not protect women, and it would be smart for her to have a career.
I’m a big advocate of marrying and mating until everyone is a pleasing shade of brown.
We ARE all pleasing shades of brown. Some of us are just lighter than others.
I’d note that Jews dislike intermarriage because they fear destruction; not because they worry their kids will be dark.
LOL, that’s funny, myth.
I have to agree with you most whole-heartedly, Hugo. I’ve got what is probably one of the most common “inter-racial” relationships–Hispanic and white–so people don’t even notice most of the time. But when you can tell someone disapproves, it’s most upsetting. What’s it to them?
Hugo:
Watertown, Mass - another large Armenian area - perhaps her parents might feel better and support her going to a Boston area school if she’s near/supported by a large Armenian community.
Personal experience - my brother-in-law married an Armenian gal - against her parents’ wishes. Her father and brothers came the next day and literally took her “home.” Negotiations ensued for months until they agreed to also hold an “Armenian” ceremony and a few other “compromises.” A complicating factor, 8 years and 3 children later, she died. The grandparents sued for custody and we found out little nuances such as they didn’t recognize the children’s “names” and had “Armenian” names for them (talk about confusion at the funeral).
Amanda - Believe the question - “Are you going to be there to help her pick up the pieces?” is unfair. “Anita” soliticed the advice and she appears more than equipped to process, analyze, decide, and act (or not) on the information and guidance Hugo provided. Whether his advice turns out to be best or less than optimal does not obligate him to “pick up the pieces” when he’s not forcing her to act on it nor being disingenuous in providing it.
Hugo - always useful to ask if the roles were changed (say “Anita” was your daughter and wanted to marry into an “Armenian-like” family/culture to become a “well-coiffed, baklava-making housewife”) what your advice would be.
I have no idea why you addressed that to me. Of course the young lady can decide for herself–again, what’s it to anyone else?
Well, biologically it’s true; we all have melanin to some degree, and every skin shade is some level of brown. And if you go back far enough we *all* were African. So I just can’t stress at the idea of my kids marrying somebody darker than themselves.
I do stress that they might not marry Jews.
Amanda - you’re correct - error in transposing who made the comment. Please accept my apology for inattention to detail.
I would want my children to be happy — if their partner loved and valued them, so much the better.
My father’s father married a non-Jewish woman, part of a long process of assimilation. The horrors of the Holocaust are not sufficient reason for limiting the gene pool, mythago. Culture itself is fluid and changing and shifting — I’m grateful that my Jewish ancestors, motivated neither by self-preservation nor by self-loathing, did not impose artificial limits on whom they could meet and mate with.
Um, Hugo, as I did not even mention the Holocaust, I’d prefer you did not start throwing it around in this discussion. Ditto Jewish “self-loathing.” Ditto “setting limits.” Please don’t jump to conclusions, especially offensive ones.
It’s not about limiting the gene pool; anyone at all can convert to Judaism. It doesn’t depend on skin color or genetics.
Ok Hugo…your loyal opposition is back again!
I don’t know about how your students’ parents feel…I don’t know them, but for most people who are concerned with “out-marrying”, it’s not the gene pool they’re concerned about….it’s the passing on of culture. And the passing on of culture tends to be “women’s work.” The fact the you identify as WASP and consider your Jewish heritage a historical/cultural curiosity is but one illustration.
Not knowing the family, but having seen this a lot, I tend to agree with kelly…that as long as Anita maintains cultural pride and cultural traditions, her parents will probably come around, especially if there’s a grandbaby. Perhaps they fear that their future grandchildren would be “strangers” to them…that they (the grandparents) will be thought of as “weird”. Maybe Anita’s parents fear that Anita will abandon her culture, her religion….and them. Perhaps there is a lack of communication going on. Or, perhaps there isn’t even the space for communication right now.
Like you, Hugo, my main concern with my daughter’s future relationships is that she be loved, appreciated and happy. I don’t care what color her future love interests are. But, in all honesty, yes…I do want her to maintain her religion and her culture. I don’t want her to think of her ancestors, or me, as ugly, weird, backwards, or stupid. That is not necessarily the case with assimilation. But it can be. And the pressures this-way or that-way regarding assimilation do not fall on men and women equally.
See, here you’re writing about the pressures that Anita is feeling from her family. That’s one side. There is also a lot of pressure from the outside for women to assimilate completely…including physically. There’s a reason blue and green contacts are selling…and a reason colored contacts don’t come in my eye color. There’s also a reason that “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” was such a popular film…the regular girl didn’t just get the handsome guy, she also got to keep her culture. That message really resonates with some of us!
It’s a paradox, ya know? There’s a pressure to assimilate until we’re all about as exciting as a wooden-spoon-and-fork-set to hang on the wall. Meanwhile, many of those who are assimilated (American WASP) are traveling to foreign countries, rhapsodizing about the history, the architecture, the language, the culture, the beauty of the people….and find something lacking in their own past….they’re busy de-assimilating!
Yep, people are funny.
I don’t think this discussion, on either side, is being at all fair to Armenian culture. The assumption seems to be that if she’s independent, moves away from home, and postpones (perhaps even abandons) a husband and family, she’s abandoned Armenian culture. But why would we assume that? Because her parents fear it might be so? Who made them the arbiters of what it means to be Armenian?
We have a very bad habit of doing this when we talk about minority or traditional cultures–assuming they are static, unchanging, and unable to survive adaptation, change and growth. This may well describe the fears of Anita’s parents, but it’s simply not how cultures work. Cultures are constantly changing, adapting, importing outside influences. Why should we assume that Armenian culture (or any other) is defined by it’s most conservative members.
Maybe Anita will abandon Armenian culture. I have no particular objection to that–frankly, any culture that’s near-impossible to abandon is a bit to authoritarian for my taste and probably needs to be changed or abandoned by its youth. But it’s much more likely that she’ll be an agent in re-defining what it means to be an Armenian woman–for the better. I hope, for her sake and for theirs, that they figure this out sooner rather than later.
I agree with you, DJW. I hope I didn’t leave the impression that I was seeing things exactly as Anita’s parents may be seeing it (because here, we only have Hugo’s interpretation of Anita’s side…we don’t really know what they’re thinking). It’s just that with Anita only being twenty, she may not want or be able to see things from her parents viewpoint, even though she is bright. Not knowing the ins and outs of the situation, she may or may not be able to reach a compromise with her parents. I hopw she makes the right decision for herself, regardless.
From what Hugo has said though, Anita seems to view her Armenian culture through the same single lens her parents do. From this post, I get the impression that she isn’t able to reconcile the image of a high-powered attorney with the Armenian-American woman serving up baklava after dinner! From what was posted here, it leaves me with the impression that she also doesn’t think the two images can co-exist in one person! And I think it’s telling that she went to Hugo with her concerns, rather than to an Armenian-American female teacher. Maybe she’s not really looking for a compromise with her parents, but permission from some other authority for rebellion. She didn’t find that from Hugo, but maybe she hoped to.
In any case, whatever and wherever she goes in this world, she is going to take who she is with her. A lot of people don’t realize just how much their culture is a part of them until they are older. Especially if they have children. She’s Armenian, like it or not. And she’ll probably end up making baklava when she comes home from a particularly difficult, trying case in court. She’ll find a balance. I hope her parents do, too.
Indeed, the absolute last thing in the world I would want is a homogenous culture in which all of one’s historic, ethnic attachments are erased.
I suspect Anita is in many ways proud of her Armenian heritage. She is struggling to reconcile it with her dreams and ambitions. What happens, as we’ve all seen, is that one’s culture gets redefined as folks spend more time in this country. New generations pick and choose which aspects they want to keep: baklava stays. Remembering the 1915 genocide stays. Forced marriage within the ethnic group and virginity until the wedding night: those go. It’s a healthy process.
Mythago, I’m sorry if I offended. But it is certainly setting limits to tell one’s child that you prefer that they marry within your religion, even if you are open-minded about having your child-in-law convert.
La Lubu, I don’t think we disagree.
From what Hugo has said though, Anita seems to view her Armenian culture through the same single lens her parents do. From this post, I get the impression that she isn’t able to reconcile the image of a high-powered attorney with the Armenian-American woman serving up baklava after dinner! From what was posted here, it leaves me with the impression that she also doesn’t think the two images can co-exist in one person!
This may be true.
One of the frustrating things about the misconception about the nature of culture (so to speak) as unchanging and conservative is that this view is often shared by older enforcers and younger frustratants (not a word, I know). In other words, the phenomenological reality of culture looks quite different than it would look to a historical anthropologist who charts and maps the often radical shifts and meaning, ritual and tradition over time. This presents a challenge for someone like Anita, and the Anitas I’ve know haven’t taken on the task or re-writing the meaning of their identities knowingly from a young age. In most cases, it isn’t until they’re a bit older and a bit more experienced, and have experienced both the good and the bad of both the pull of home/family/tradition on the one hand, and the pull toward the new and the different and the exotic on the other.
I’ve long had a theory that I’ve never quite figured out how to articulate. I’ll give it a short try here. Most individuals experience the pull of home/tradition/family/the known as well as the pull of newness/strangeness/otherness on the other. A few people might find all they need on one side of that dialectic or the other, but most people’s paths are best served by acknowledging the dialectic and being open to exploring both directions. The trick, of course, is knowing when and how much to go in each direction.
20 is a great age to allow yourself to be pulled toward the new and the different for a lot of people. Under what circumstances should it be resisted? There’s no one answer to that question, but I’ll take a stab at what I would tell Anita, were she to seek out my counsel:
If you feel the pull of home and tradition in your own heart, take it seriously (but don’t necessarily give over to it completely). If you feel other people using your emotional connections to you to pull you in that direction against your own wishes, politely but firmly insist on taking your own path. One of the first great challenges of adulthood for people who are close to their parents is learning how to not succumb to emotional blackmail from those you love, especially when that emotional blackmail is unintentional and well-meaning.
Amen to that last sentence,DJW, amen!
I would also want to know if her parents are immigrants and that Anita is the first to be born here in the States (or did most of her growing up here even if not born here).
Her parents, if indeed are immigrants, are not that unusual. Traditional roles and cultures tend to work against females as far as what is expected of them and their access to property and financial resources. However, plenty of women seem fine with doing this even when introduced to western, modern ideas.
Most “traditional” families do this in the States, with both their male and female offspring. Some of these young adults want to do something different given that they have available to them, especially in a society such as the U.S., many options that their own parents may never have had available to them when they were young adults.
If she wants to pursue a different life, then it might be helpful to see if she understands the pros and the cons of her choices. If she chooses the non-traditional path, then where can she get some support including within her own community (I appreciate the comments about “traditional” cultures being “fixed”. They are not; the rate of change and emphasis on individualism is different, but these cultures do change. I wonder if there are other young adults in her community faced with similar issues that she could get some advice from.)
It might also help her to know that most parents, my guess, “come around” somewhat in the end. It can just be bumpy in the beginning, but if her parents see that she is ultimately happy & secure pursuing what she has done, and if they see other young adults in the extended family being successful likewise, my bet is that they’ll eventually come to some acceptance of it. The work is pursuing the “non-traditional” choice while waiting for that time to come.
I see all that she has to gain clearly. However, one thing that I think we should all examine is what we have collectively lost by becoming a society of two-career families.
There is something to these cultural traditions. I don’t like the individual freedoms lost, but there is something there that works for the family. Only my American friends seem to be so distant from their families. I wish we could find a middle ground of sorts.
Good points, la luba. It’s always hard to be a pioneer.
to tell one’s child that you prefer that they marry within your religion
Prefer, yes. That’s different than telling them you will shun them or their partner if they aren’t of the faith or of the right culture, or that they would be committing a great wrong by doing so.
On the other hand, I think parents (yes, even Anita’s) do a great disservice if they pretend that all it takes to overcome cultural, religious and social differences is falling in love. It’s a very shallow background that does not inform us of our morals, ethics and ways of approaching the world.
i going to guess she was telling you want she wanted you to say, “Hell yes, sister!”. she has probably had enough cheering from the other side, has made up her mind, and just wants someone to root for her for a change.
“she fears shaming her family and being rejected by those she loves.” i was married to a gal seven years my senior of another race. then married another gal six years my junior of another race. i knew my parents would have problems especially with the first. i told them i wasn’t affraid to make mistakes– that if i did, i was willing to live with them. i am greatful for my mistakes. they remind me of my weaknesses, and at the same time contribute to the chain of events which has landed me where i’m at. that is why i am extremely greatful. one has to have their ducks in a row. can’t be living a life for parents, can’t be living a life for friends etc. one is contstantly reviewing their life and eventually and hopefully we look back and say it was our life.
Girl go for it! and ask your parents if they would like to come along for the ride of your life.
I agree with Mythago that your assumptions about Jews who object to intermarriage are wildly off-beam and verging towards offensive.
It seems to be an assumption among white Americans that race is the most important factor in choosing a partner. Thus, liberal sorts are terribly proud of being open to marriage to someone with different skin color. The converse of that is that anyone who expresses doubts about marrying outside their own culture is automatically assumed to be racist.
It’s not necessarily about race at all. A culture may be more than just eating ‘funny’ foods or knowing what part of the world your ancestors came from. If it’s a major factor in your outlook and experience and values, isn’t it reasonable to want to marry (or want your children to marry) someone who shares such an important part of your identity?
It would be near-impossible for me to marry someone genetically / ethnically similar to me unless I committed incest, since I’m so ethnically mixed I’m barely the same ‘race’ as myself. But I would still prefer to marry someone who shares my moral system, and who would not be excluded by my spending most of my leisure time on synagogue-related activities, and who understands my cultural references.
Influencing who your children will marry is so much more than making rules. If you think you are not influencing who your children will marry by raising them in a strongly Christian home, you’re deluding yourself.
However, one thing that I think we should all examine is what we have collectively lost by becoming a society of two-career families.
A lot of poverty and disempowerment of women.
Oh, wait, you were saying that we’ve lost the ability to transmit culture because women stopped doing it. Well, hell, if men aren’t willing to pick up the slack, how important can it be?
Influencing who your children will marry is so much more than making rules
Yep. And I think that came across in Hugo’s original post–Anita’s parents weren’t telling her “Drop law school and marry an Armenian or we’ll cut you from our lives.” They were genuinely concerned that she was being influenced, in a bad way, by mainstream American culture.
Yes, thank you, mythago. It was also clear to me that her parents were not anti-education or career. And that’s why I thought Anita approached Hugo rather than an Armenian-American female teacher (or other professional). Don’t get me wrong, Hugo, I think you gave the best advice you could have given her. But an Armenian-American female would have been far less indulgent of Anita’s one-dimensional portrait of the Armenian-American woman! See? The old “oh, my journey is so hard….you don’t know what I’m going through” story wouldn’t have played with someone that’s already been there and back again.
I also wonder how much of this clash is related to Armenian culture, per se, and how much is a function of social class. Working class women who go to college are expected to have a career, otherwise, “it’s a waste of education!!” That may not be true for parents who didn’t have to sacrifice for their child’s education.
Reading everyone’s comments reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend awhile back. My friend (pretty waspy, blonde, protestant, american) was engaged (and now married to) a greek man. I asked her if his family cared that she wasn’t greek, (my question was prompted by a greek-american friend I had who was about to marry a greek girl and expressed to me that he would only marry a greek girl, which I thought was kind of…well, let’s say ethnocentric). She said no way, it’s only greek americians who care about whom you marry, Greeks could care less. I thought that was interesting. It wasn’t until now that i’ve begun looking at the reasoning behind that. Perhaps greek-americans feel that their culture is being threatened and watered down by living in and marrying america/ns, whereas Greeks are not yet privy to this threat?
My dad is jewish, my mother is not. My grandparents on both sides were not thrilled by their union, particularly on the jewish side. Growing up I was constantly reminded by my paternal grandmother that I wasn’t really jewish (these conversations often took place, in the car, on the way to temple!). Her persistence that I was somehow a fraudulent jew played a large part in the fact that I never pursued juddhaism as a religion of choice and to this day know very little about my grandparents culture. My father subsequently abandoned the jewish faith. This doesn’t mean that my paternal grandmother didn’t love me, or my sister or even my mother, she did. She just never stopped needling us about not being jewish. I guess my point is (and it’s a bit contrary to my previous post) that though my jewish grandmother loved and accepted us for who we were, she was always a bit disappoionted. And that her constant disapproval actually drove us away from the jewish faith whereas had she been more open minded we might all be happy practicing jews to this day. My ultimate point being that, unbeknownst to them, Anita’s parents, in their stubborness are perhaps doing more to drive her away from her culture/family/faith than they are making it a comfortable place for her to remain. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does. I wouldn’t characterize your grandma as being accepting if her response to your not being technically Jewish was to “needle” you, as though as children it was somehow your fault for not rushing off to convert (as if you even could). It strikes me more as someone who expressed her anger at her son by picking on her grandchildren.