Comments on: Some reflections on older men, younger women and integrity

By: Rachel

Rachel — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 07:09:48 +0000

I don’t see why everyone here seems to agree that a man in an age difference relationship is necessarily seeking to father, posses, or sexually objectify the young woman he’s involved with. I’ve been dating a man 18 years my senior, a former co-worker, for over a year now. He’s admitted that my physical appearance is about 45% of what attracts him to me, but isn’t physical appearance the primary attracting factor for nearly every man? As writers - myself a screenwriter and himself a freelance journalist - we discus our work and our ideas on an equal ground. I usually even have more input and influence on his pieces than him on mine. Of course, discussing his life experiences and lessons learned has lead me to quite a few “aha” moments. Yet I just as readily share my philosophy and analysis of my life experiences in order to help him through his issues and interpersonal obstacles. I’m on good terms with his family and he with mine. My father in particular thinks he’s a great guy and is very supportive. We visit his grandmother nearly every weekend. We babysit for his nieces and nephews. If you never knew how old we were I’m sure you would all be very happy for us.

What attracts me to him? His full-grown physicality? Sure. Our ease in communicating with one another. The way we ride the same “wavelength” in ideas and humor. Our shared interests in film, anthropology, and narrative non-fiction. His heart and sensitivity. His deep sense of caring for the people in his life. His tenderness for me. His intellect and talents. His passion for living and appreciation of nature. There isn’t much of a gap in our financial situation - thanks to the help of my parents. He doesn’t shower me with gifts or treats any moreso than guys in my age group have done in the past.

Knowing other girls my age, I know it would be impossible for many of them to “hold their ground” intellectually and emotionally in a relationship with an older man. Their priorities and worldviews fluctuate constantly and they still feel like they’re safely isolated from the responsibilities and personal accountability that people a decade older than them are forced to assume. As long as their parents and other “authority figures” around them continue to allow them to behave like children - “just girls” - they’re happy to keep doing so. But why should I have to face the assumption that I’m choosing to be that kind of person every time someone new finds out how young I am and how old he is?

What more do you people want? What proof do you need that our relationship is built on just as many elements to last as you’d expect from a same-age couple? How many exceptions to the “rule” in order to be granted a pardon? From as far as I can see, the only thing due to age difference that will continue to be an obstacle in our relationship are all of the uncomfortable reactions I get when people pry two numbers out of me. 20 and 38.

By: donnabella

donnabella — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:16:18 +0000

Im sorry but all I see is age bashing. I feel that age doesnt matter. Im 23 but all my life i felt 10years older. I was close to my 30year old sister and her friends so thats what made me feel older than i am. I met my 43 finoci by accident i was dating a 25 year old at that time. But once we started talking I couldnt believe how much we have incommon. 92 to be exact. I couldnt think of how many things i have with the 25year old. So when my 43 year old finoci started dating it felt so right. it still feels so right. And I know he DOESNT think of me as just sexual. he loves me for me and my mind and my soul. So not every older male that “hooks” up with a younger female (now under the age of 18 is so wrong) the males are not thinking “hey let me just use her for sex” most of them find a younger female that does have a mature mentality like me.

By: mythago

mythago — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:02:10 +0000

Faust, if you take the age issue out of it, the issue is the same: you have a female friend in whom you’re romantically interested, but she doesn’t reciprocate that interest. You probably will ‘feel’ that age gap more as you spend time around her.

By: Ariana

Ariana — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 08:13:51 +0000

You touched upon many interesting issues. I myself can’t count the number of times I’ve been hit on by older men. One incident even involved a man who was probably 30 years older than I was telling me “how rich he was” and literally trying to buy me, as if I were some permanent call girl.

I’m a 5′10″ blonde, very slender, Oxford graduate, but all of these approaches made me very introverted and uncomfortable around men. Frankly, they also made me wonder if all men over 30 weren’t unbalanced.

In general, most of the women I know–Ivy educated and financially independent– say they are not physically attracted to older men. However, I think that the media often tries to present different images and the result is that women are often literally harassed by men they have no interest in. My guess, too, is that many women are really traumatized by this.

By: Faust

Faust — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 03:25:57 +0000

Stumbled upon this site, as I was researching the older man/younger woman relationship. As I am 48 and have recently found myself smitten by a 22 year old friend, I wanted to know what people think about it. Mind you, she likes spending time with me, but has shown no romantic interest, so I keep my feelings to myself - as I see it, romantic feelings are only a portion of the Big Picture, which is that I really like her, enjoy our conversations (I’m more of a listener than a talker), like her energy (spiritually) and humour. Unless she says something directly, or asks me, I won’t say anything. I don’t FEEL the age gap, but I do think about it. When I was about her age, and in college, I dated several women in their 40’s (I was looking for more maturity - I was “born old”); but, none were more than 20 years older, and these relationships didn’t work out. (My ex-wife is 11 years older). And I do also worry, because I do have a number of “kids”, as I call them, younger people, many of them women, who look to me as a father-figure or elder (including a 30 year old who’s been living with me for months because of difficulty with getting and keeping a job, who at one time was hit on by a father-figure - I myself was hit on as a teenager by a father-figure, so I know that pain).
Anyway, this thread of conversation is quite helpful.

By: Grace

Grace — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 18:49:20 +0000

My husband was 59 years old when he started a relationship with an 18 year old girl at work. Someone told me that he was taking her to functions and taking her home in his car etc. I asked him to fire her and he said he could not because she was his best worker and he said that he was not having an affar with her. Over a period of 10 years I noticed many things, lunch times the office would be locked, them inside, he became abrubt and unkind to me, hardly ever spoke to me, when I went to his office she was openly flirting, brushing her boobs against his arms, flickering her eyelids, or he would remark in front of me to her: “oh you look sexy today”. I went his office to give him a wedding anniversary card and I saw the two of them together at a nearby restaurant having lunch together. There were so many incidents over the years and I thought that I was just imagining things and that there was something wrong with me, seeing things into situations that was not true. After ten years of this, I checked the phone bill, found calls of 45 mins to her cell. Then I knew.

By: N

Thu, 10 May 2007 23:54:39 +0000

Cheers sophonisba, yeah the contact thing is weird because he is basically my dads best friend they hav known each other something like 26 years, and of course my parents dont know about the stuff that happened, but no in short there is very little contact between us, it all depends on when my parents see him next, and what a barrel of laughs that will be, i have tried to talk to him before about it and after one, er shall we say, incident i told him never to do it again and he apologised and said he never ever meant for me to see it that way and that he had known me since i was a baby so would never see me that way, i beleived him and forgave him er but then that turned out to be a complete lie, o well guess leopards never change their spots! thanks for the help by the way, very much indebted! O and by the way for anyone who is in a fairly similar boat to me, have more respect for yourself then i do and do the sensible thing of cutting them out of your life cos it jus creates more hurt if u dont.

By: sophonisba

sophonisba — Thu, 10 May 2007 23:18:40 +0000

N, it’s not stupid or pathetic to be confused about how to feel when someone you care about or even love turns around and does something like this to you. And just because he did this nasty, selfish, thoughtless thing to you doesn’t mean he never cared about you as a person, he probably did and maybe he still does — but him caring about you doesn’t make what he did any better.

If the words “abuse” or “assault” make you uncomfortable or depressed, don’t use them. What’s important isn’t what you call it, what’s important is that this thing he did made you unhappy, hurt, and depressed. You don’t need to justify that. In some ways it’s complicated, but in some ways it’s really simple. With the relationship that the two of you had, he shouldn’t have done it. Period.

If you’re still in contact with him, and it really bothers you not to understand what he did, you could just tell him that: say (or write), What you did might have felt good to you, but it felt wrong and upsetting to me. I trusted you and loved you like an uncle, and you hurt me, and I don’t understand why you did it. It wasn’t what I wanted. If he truly was confused, he’ll feel terrible, and he’ll tell you he’s sorry and will never do it again. If he tries to justify it or turn it around on you or make excuses — well, at least you’ll know.

By: N

Thu, 10 May 2007 19:36:37 +0000

Thankyou very much sophonisba, I mean the situation was more complicated then i sort of made it out to be, i think wat i find difficult is how do u now when something is exua abuse or not i know this sounds soo strange and vaguely stupid but i jus dont know whether it was abuse or whether he was just confused. I find it hard to emotionally let go because ive known him all my life, he held me when i was five days old, i think part of the reason y i hav issues with this is that i hate not understanding something and i hate the fact that he jus wanted me for sex, sounds really pathetic and it is but i am in complete denial about that or when at times i do convince myself that for him all he wanted was sex i fall into depression. Wow i rlly must come across as pathetic and sad. But nyways thanks sophonisba!

By: sophonisba

sophonisba — Wed, 09 May 2007 00:03:58 +0000

when i was 18 he kissed and groped me which I know doesnt sound that bad or mentally scarring at all,

The fact that I know you aren’t kidding makes me want to cry. Sexual assault is a big deal, okay? Sexual assault is that bad. It is very bad. It absolutely is mentally scarring a lot of the time. It would be bad no matter how old you were, and it would be bad if it came from a perfect stranger, but the fact that you were so young, that he was someone you knew, who you had reason to trust, who was the next thing to a member of the family, every one of those things makes it worse. Your trust was abused. You were betrayed.

If minimizing or denying the nastiness of it helps you get over it, that’s fine (I’m serious about this; sometimes that does help). But don’t ever let anybody suggest to you that it wasn’t that bad. Anyone who dares to tell you that because he didn’t carry it as far as rape or because you weren’t a child, somehow it’s not a big deal, is lying. You are the only one who gets to determine how bad it was or how much it affected you. He did something wrong and cruel to you — he is the freak, not you.