Let’s give credit where credit is due. It took a post last night at the Stand Your Ground forum to remind me that today, March 1, is Self-Injury Awareness Day. Thanks to the MRA fellows!
Self-injury, sometimes known as self-mutilation or "cutting" (though that word fails to encompass all the methods used) is, slowly, receiving more attention as a serious cultural problem, particularly among adolescents. Michelle Malkin had a brief op-ed on the subject last week, which would have been far more helpful had she not chosen to place the lion’s share of the blame for self-injury on Hollywood:
This madness would not be as popular as it is among young people if not for the glamorizing endorsement of nitwit celebrities such as twentysomething actress Christina Ricci.
It may be all fun and games for a Hollywood starlet like Ricci, but her mindless stunts have inspired countless young girls to carve themselves into a bloody stupor. Hollyweird strikes again.
First off, folks, cutting is not "new." Self-injury has a long medical and social history. Naturally, the farther back in history one goes, the more difficult it becomes to distinguish self-mutilation as a psychological phenomenon from an act of religious devotion. As with its sister disease, anorexia, no one denies that people (particularly women) have deliberately injured themselves in many different times and places. But it’s also hard to deny that the significance of those self-inflicted injuries is almost certainly bound by culture.
The kind of self-injury we’re concerned with today is not, generally, a response to immense religious enthusiasm. Here’s a brief summary from the American Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse:
It’s important to remember that, even though it may not be apparent to an outside observer, self-injury is serving a function for the person who does it. Figuring out what functions it serves and helping someone learn other ways to get those needs met is essential to helping people who self-harm. Some of the reasons self-injurers have given for their acts include:
- Affect modulation (distraction from emotional pain, ending feelings of numbness, lessening a desire to suicide, calming overwhelming/intense feelings)
- Maintaining control and distracting the self from painful thoughts or memories
- Self-punishment (either because they believe they deserve punishment for either having good feelings or being an "evil" person or because they hope that self-punishment will avert worse punishment from some outside source
- Expression of things that can’t be put into words (displaying anger, showing the depth of emotional pain, shocking others, seeking support and help)
- Expression of feelings for which they have no label — this phenomenon, called alexithymia (literally no words feeling), is common in people who self-harm
To my knowledge, I’ve got at least two kids in my current youth group who are chronic self-mutilators. Both are girls, and the research suggests that female "cutters" outnumber their male counterparts by a margin of three to one. It’s tough to reach out to kids caught up in what to many adults is an utterly incomprehensible behavior. On some level, most grown-ups can understand promiscuity, drug use, and even anorexia. They "get" that society rewards thinness. They see the temptations of early sex and alcohol experimentation. But relatively few adults really grasp just how powerful the urge to cut (or burn) one’s own flesh may be.
I’m a former self-mutilator. In my youth, I was both a cutter and a "burner". Even today, if you were to look closely at my forearms, my chest, and my shoulders you would see scars left behind by burns from cigarettes and car cigarette lighters, and by cuts from X-acto knives and glass bottles. All of the bullet-point reasons listed above applied to me, but I’m aware that the desire to "maintain control" was perhaps my chief motivation for self-injury. When I was cutting or burning, I felt that I had absolutely mastered my world. I felt powerless over my external circumstances, but at least I could demonstrate total control over my own flesh. My capacity to endure pain (and self-mutilation builds tolerance fast) was a source of immense, perverse pride. It was my "special thing" that I did to soothe myself and remind myself that despite the chaos of late adolescence, I wasn’t a victim of others: I was king of my own body, and by proving that I could inflict real pain on my flesh, I felt empowered and calmed. (And trust me, it had damn all to do with Hollywood. Sheesh, Malkin.)
I’m happy to say I haven’t mutilated in many, many years. In some ways, I simply "grew out of it." Something happens in one’s twenties that lessens the intensity of that adolescent pain and makes it more bearable. I also was helped by therapy, the church, and working out. I discovered that my desire to push my body could be channeled into far healthier pursuits — distance running gave me a similar high to cutting, but without the unnecessary agony and with a far greater sense of accompanying self-esteem. I also transitioned out of self-mutilation by getting tattoos and piercings. These more aesthetic, more socially acceptable ways of mastering my flesh gave me great pleasure without the terrible shame I associated with cutting and burning myself. Eventually, I took out all the piercings and stopped getting tattoos. Time, marathoning, a good therapist and the love of Christ took away the urge to wound myself.
I share this not to shock or titillate, but to draw attention to a very real problem and to offer the hope that that problem can be overcome. I still have my scars, and I am grateful for them. They will surely always be with me, and they remind me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. More importantly, they give me instant credibility with a teen who is trapped in the dark place of self-injury. I can roll up my sleeves, and the faded pink bumps that cover my arms and torso prove at once that I am not merely a well-meaning but clueless adult. I’ve been where these kids are, and I don’t think I would ever be able to earn their trust without the marks on my own skin. If for no other reason, that’s why I’ll never have them removed with dermabrasion or similar cosmetic surgery.
Thank you for that, Hugo. I think you’re right that most adults are not aware of how serious this problem is. Kudos for bringing it to light with your story.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m certain that recalling that particular period of your life must not be easy.__I can see why you give so much of yourself to the youth of your church. You are a great role model for them, and an amazing person!
Thanks, Hugo; it’s really good to have more people posting about it — why they used to self-injure and why they stopped. It’s funny how similar everyone sounds when they describe things, though it’s also, in so many ways, unique.
I don’t think people don’t understand the urge to hurt themselves, quite honestly. I think that they refuse to admit they understand it — but they do it anyhow, in other, less obvious ways: the violence of self-injury (I’ve never liked the term self-mutilation, because I’ve never felt the point was having scars) is overt and scary. Plus there is something to the violating of the boundary between eslf and other that I believe ties in, though I can’t make it quite clear.
(I’ve blogged a great deal about this recently, so it’s in my head; Michele Catalano at a small victory also has some nice posts about it.)
I can imagine how having an adult there with the same proof would be helpful: you do important work.
An important and timely post, Hugo. My only knowledge of cutting is from a poorly written thriller novel i read recently, called Ashes to Ashes, in which one of the killers was a teenage cutter. Needless to say, the portrayal was not sympathetic. Thank you for helping humanize the issue for me.
see, this is why I have to keep coming back. I never cut myself, but at my most painfully paralyzed moments of an angst ridden time, I really felt the urge to. And it completely freaked me out and I never understood it. until now. thanks, really. helps me reclaim a part of my history I couldn’t before.
Bravo. Just because you make a habit of laying yourself bare doesn’t make this any less important or brave. Thank you.
I have friends who cut. The ones I’ve met in RL are in their early twenties. I don’t know how old the others are, so I wonder how often the urge fades with adolescence. I do know that many if not all of my friends who self-injure also suffer from depression.
It’s important to remember that, even though it may not be apparent to an outside observer, self-injury is serving a function for the person who does it. Figuring out what functions it serves and helping someone learn other ways to get those needs met is essential to helping people who self-harm. That’s an excellent thing to point out and to remember. As a teenage girl, I cut a couple times, but I didn’t really get anything out of it, so I didn’t continue.
Hugo,
I wasn’t aware how widespread the practice of self-injury was until I read your post. I remembered that G. Gordon Liddy wrote in his autobiography about doing things like holding his hand over a candle flame until he could smell the flesh burning. He portrayed it as ‘mastering his will.’
I had dismissed the practice as something that extreme right-wingers would do to train themselves to be good soldiers.
As I write this, it occurs to me that certain religious traditions practice self-flagellation too. It must meet some psychological need, but I must say it never been something I wanted to do. Pain is something to avoid!
One of my three utter failures in life was trying to love a cutter out of her desire to do so. She called it “matching her insides to her outsides” - a desire to show the world outside what was going on in her head inside. She’ll always be a paradox for me, for the awful pain and suffering she went / goes through on the one hand…and the beautiful art and superhuman optimism she created on the other hand.
For what it’s worth, I do somewhat side with Malkin on this one. I know this is based on very little evidence, but my own intuition, and the testimony of some others leads me to believe that for every cutter who does suffer, another is doing it merely to be cool or to overinflate her suffering in front of others. Again, I’ve no way to prove this, but it is what my instincts are telling me.
I cut myself only once. It was during the worst six months of my life, a particular semester in college where I would often spend three days at a time in bed, too miserable to get out. I remember feeling so stupid and uesless before the deed, but rapturously beautiful and valuable afterwards. Made no sense. I never did it again, but I’ll always remember the feeling…
On a side note, James Hillman points out that the word “character” means “marked with sharp lines - or simply, cut.” Wasn’t it Dr. King himself who demanded that people be known through the content of their *character*? It’s certainly something I wouldn’t wish on others, so it feels strange to congratulate someone for having done it - but your experience has given you character, Sir. And it’s something that will never leave you…
Just wanted to say it’s nice to know others do understand–and that it’s NOT all hollywood (I read Malkin as well).
I first had self-injury problems as young as three years of age. Then throughout my childhood, problems would surface then sink. It was an on-again, off-again affair. At least until I was ten.
At ten, I took on serious mutilation. It was just life for me. Daily life. Self-injury has been a fact of life for me, for most of my life. I never did it to be cool, nor did I ever know anyone else who did it. I never even knew there was a name for it until I was 21. For the most part, my mutilation and self-hatred was secret–no one knew. Sadly, though, a few people, friends, found out. They started doing it just out of curiosity or for attention, I guess. It was easy for them to quit, though.
When I was 21, my oldest child was two. Although he had never seen me mutilate, he began to slap himself or bang his head on the walls when he was upset. I knew then that I had to stop, somehow, I had to…just in case. I went to counseling, took medications, everything I could do to stop. It worked for a while. I stopped at the age of 22.
Now, in my late twenties, I still fight the urge–and fight it often. Though I know that I can resist, I just have to try. Since I “stopped” at 22, I have physically mutilated less than five times per year. That is a HUGE thing for me. Yes, it still happens, on occasion, but not every day, every week, or even every month. It is hard. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be rid of the urge, the compulsion, the act.
My youngest of my two children is now also having self-injury problems. This child has NEVER seen me do this, so one also has to wonder about the possibility of a genetic role in the cause of self-injury. Both of my children have exhibited these urges, so perhaps the genetic link should be considered in some cases. However, no one in my family mutilated before me, at least not to my knowledge.
Self-injury is not glamorous, it is not cool, and it is not easy–especially to quit. It is not new, nor do I believe it applies to teens more than other age groups. Self-injury, mutilation, is an attack not only of the body but also the psyche and the soul. It is severely intense self-hatred. It is burning, bruising, cutting. It is the constantly nagging knowledge that you are poison, you are evil, you are undeserving, you are an unnecessary burden to all, that you are a waste of breath.
It is time for acknowledgement of the issue, so that some progress can be made in preventing it’s occurrence and in treating it. Living with it, the self-loathing, it’s hard yet so easy. I’m glad that there are people who understand and are in a position to raise the awareness such as Mr. Hugo Schwyzer. You, sir, are doing a great deed for humanity and for each of us now labelled “mutilators” or “cutters” THANK YOU.
Thanks, Eve, for sharing and for your encouraging words.
i am a cutter too and i think that it is great that people are finaly trying tounderstand us and are tying to help in any and every way that they can.
my mother told me that she doesnt know how she missed the signs that i would some day have this problem. when i was little and i did something bad i would bite myself untill i drew blood. but that was then and this is now right?
i am going to be a senior in high school next year and i am already starting on my senior project which is on self-mutilation and societies views on the subject. i am trying to get peoples stories to get a better grasp myself.
i used to think that i was all alone and that i was a freak but that all changed when i started finding help pages and forums and all. i am so glad that there are people out there that actually want to listen adn help. thanks for this i am now trying to stop hurting myself and telling what i know is part of the healing process.
Have you ever come across a book written by Suzy Johnston? It is really good and gives greatinsight. It could help your students and your colleagues on quite a lot of issues.
The Naked Bird Watcher
Can be bought in shops or on the internet and
she also has a site at http://www.thecairn.com
Hey I’ve read that - its pretty cool - and I related to it real strongly Did you know the mother wrote a book too telling her story - pretty smart having both stories together - that must be real unusual. It is interesting seeing the two sides of it together and how they worked together to deal with it. think folk could learn from this. The other book is To Walk on Eggshells
Hi, I just stumbled across your site on this particular journal-blog-page-thing.
I have been a self-injurer for 3 years, and for a long time, I had no idea why I was doing it. Now I’m trying to get a grip on it after all this time of being confused and hurt…I recently told my youth pastor about it (first person I told) and I think he’s taking it reasonably well, although I feel like I’m ‘burdening’ him with it :/
By no means do I enjoy harming myself; I hate it. I hope I’ll be able to stop someday, but for now I’m trying to find better ways to get by.
I find the comment by JIC hurtful: “I had dismissed the practice as something that extreme right-wingers would do to train themselves to be good soldiers.”
I can’t believe people would think self-injury as something so trivial as to associate it with politics. :(
Thank you for recognizing this issue in your journal…it’s encouraging.
We get better, Kim, by “burdening” the people who have been called by God to help us carry our burdens. Keep reaching out. It does get better.
I have never been a cutter. I used to get the urge, but I overcame and learned to control myself, without ever putting blade to skin. Beleive me when I say it is not easy, but it can be done if you are serious about it. Think this way, your body is supposed to be a temple right? Well treat your temple the way God would want it to be treated. When you get the urge, just go for a run-not walk-run. The idea is to vent your emotional turmoil in a constructive not destructive way. If you cant run, just start smaller with push-ups, sit ups anything that will work your body and your mind. You also must think positivly-I know it is NOT an easy thing to do, but the harder you work and think, the closer you are to staying “cutting” free. Another great way is a steady, hard workout-punching bags, or weights; either one would work. The workout releases chemicals in your body that can help balance your unhappy, angry or depressive moods. Its like a happy pill- and it does work as long as you are consistant.
Just a side note- cutting is not genetic. Cutting is a method of venting or expressing emotion without words. It is also dealing with control or the lack there-of. Children may not know how to express themselves with well modulated and articulate words, but the human will(even in the very young) does understand violence-ever see a temper tantrum? Some do take it further and if the parent is a cutter then they will see their own problems in the actions that the children take. It is not to worry as long as you the parent intervene and help your child learn more constructive and benifical methods for an outlet- and that may also help you in return-they is no greater modivation than the safety of your own child.
Hugo- this site is a bleesing and I hope you do well it your indevors. You can affect so many young lives with your story. God Bless
Ever since June 2004 I’ve been a cutter. I was abused as a child. My parents are really supportive and want to help me. The thing is I don’t know if I can help myself. Does anyone have any good advice to help me?
Hey guys just want to put some stuff down. I know what it is like to self-injury(cut). I used to be involved with it. I got over it by the power of Jesus only. I know that some here don’t go to church. I am not pushing Christianity on anyone. However to get over anything, only Jesus can help the person. If anyone can send me info on this topic. I wish more churches know about self-injury
address actually e-mail me before I get out to much personal stuff
Thanks
Mr. Hugo,
I want to thank you for writing this post. I believe more people should be informed about self-mutilation or self-injury, whichever you prefer. I very deeply disagree with Malkin and her viewpoint. Yes, I would be a fool not to agree that there are some who harm themselves because of how popular it has become; however, no one has the right to state this is true for almost everyone! People self-mutilate, I do not desire to offend anyone with this term so I apologize, but people self-mutilate for many reasons that cannot be written down and applied to all who harm themselves. There are those who self-mutilate for attention, pain, popularity, etc.
I ought to shed some light on who I am first, before continuing. I am a former self-mutilator who was addicted to it for several years, beginning when I was 13 years old and ending when I was 16 years old. I am now about to be 18 years old and am past it. I bear scars on my left arm, both legs, and shoulders. I cut myself for several reasons, most of which are posted in your article with the exception being the feeling of control. I cut to punish myself for my actions against others and my owm emotions. I cut to express to people what was going on in my head and to cry for help on how to fix the mess in my head. I would even cut and beat myself for cutting myself. It made me feel better to know I was receiving justice for my wrong doings. It granted me relief from my pain. Cutting seemed to offer an escape from all the muck running through my veins. So, in a sense, I would blood-let to get rid of all the horrid pain and despair inside of me.
Many people do not understand how serious an issue this is! I agree with you, that former self-mutliators who still bear the scars and who have not forgotten what it was like to be in that situation can help those who are in it the most. For those who have never harmed themselves, do not misunderstand me, you can help a whole lot too, but don’t try to pretend like you can relate. That used to irritate me the most, adults who had no clue pretending they did. Parents who “freak out” or “flip” when they discover their child is self-mutilating hurts the person more than help. My own mother yelled at me and refused to listen when I attempted to explain what I was experiencing. She said it was foolishness and a habit I needed to break. She also threatened to cut me with a knife in an attempt to say it was stupid to hurt yourself. Parents need to learn that a reaction such as my mother’s does more harm than help. I continued to self-mutilate in private for two more years and attempted suicide twice.
As I have said, I am past that part of my life and now attempt to reach out to those silenting screaming for help. I am a Chrisian now and happier than ever. I bear my scars openly for all to see and, although tempted, I will never have them removed. It helps to see them, to remind myself it was true and to show others you can get past it. The more informed you are about this issue, the more you may be able to help. So many people do not bother to get to know the self-mutilator themself, but rather proclaim them a sick fool who needs to be shut away from the rest of society. I, yet, again thank you for this post.
I’m so grateful, Megan, that your life has turned around for you — and I hope too that your scars will do for you what they have done for me, which is become tools for reaching others in need. All the best.