I’ve been thinking a bit today about Britney Spears. As the whole world knows by now, Britney is pregnant, and is probably at least three months along. (According to Kabbalah, which Britney studies, it’s considered spiritually unwise to announce a pregnancy before 90 days after conception. Frankly, regardless of what anyone studies or believes, that’s probably a sensible restriction, given the chance of miscarriage and so forth.)
According to a survey in next month’s Parents magazine (done before the announcement of Britney’s pregnancy), 53% of parents thought that Spears and her husband, Kevin Federline, should wait longer before having children. (Am I the only one who thinks it in bad taste for a nationally respected parenting magazine to allow its readers to weigh in on others intensely personal decisions about when to have a child?)
Here’s where I part from at least many of my feminist colleagues. I’m not at all troubled by women having children young. As I’ve posted before, I’m a huge fan of young Bethany and Sam Torode. Bethany, who became a mother at nineteen, has written three marvelous essays that I often assign:
The Largest Career of All (2000)
Confessions of a Teenage Mom (2001)
Finding the Center (2002)
What Bethany wrote in the middle article has relevance for Britney and her critics:
When a couple decides to get married and start having kids — and how
many they have — is nobody’s business but theirs and God’s, which is a
reminder I need as often as anyone else. But I do feel a need to
challenge the dominant trend of our age toward putting off
responsibilities and prolonging adolescence.
Preach it, sis.
It was only recently that being a teenager became synonymous with being
too young to make big decisions about marriage and children. Some of my
favorite books are the Anne of Green Gables series by L. M. Montgomery.
In these beloved books, Anne attains what is the modern day equivalent
of a college education, becomes a full-time schoolteacher, and starts
to teach herself Latin and Greek — by age 16. Her friends, also
teenagers, start marrying and having babies right out of school. Yet
none of this is depicted as unusual — Anne is only a
slightly-above-average teenage woman 100 years ago. Today, Anne would
be hailed as a genius and her friends would be considered mature far
beyond their years (or else stupid for "giving up their independence"
so early).
Now of course, women in the world of Anne of Green Gables had fewer choices than Bethany Torode or Britney Spears do. But Torode is right to suggest that we in the feminist community make a factual error and a spiritual mistake when we suggest that early marriage and early motherhood were always foisted onto women against their will. When we push relentlessly for women to delay motherhood and childbirth, we may slight the very real desires of very real young women who very truly value marriage and motherhood above all else.
Torode thinks that more young women should consider early marriage and motherhood:
Yes, I am among those contributing to the teen pregnancy rate (she wrote at nineteen). I would
encourage other responsible young Christians in their late teens and
early twenties to do the same. Women, these are the best years of your
life to have a baby (ages 18-to-27 are when your body is at its peak
for childbearing, and having your first child during these years
significantly reduces your risk of breast cancer). Men, why not channel
your youth and energy into something with profound eternal value?
I’m not prepared to go as far as Bethany does and recommend early marriage and parenthood to all young men and women. I don’t believe we are called to parenthood. I’m not even sure that all of us are called to monogamous marriage, though I remain convinced that monogamous marriage is a powerful vehicle for both personal growth and societal stability. I am convinced, however, that we who really believe in honoring the bodies and spirits and minds of young women ought to applaud the Bethanys and the Britneys for valuing marriage and motherhood over the countless other choices that they could have made instead.
I don’t know what kind of mother Britney Spears will be. Frankly, I’m not a fan of her music. I watched one of her recent videos not long ago (My Prerogative, I think) with my youth group kids, and was embarrassed. I had to look away from the screen. But I also know full well that at least for some, pregnancy and parenthood have a way of radically refocusing our values. And because I am aware of how much influence Britney continues to have on young women, I am praying that she will throw herself, heart and body and soul, into her marriage and into motherhood. Obviously, her first concern ought to be for herself and her little family. But I suspect she knows the influence she has. I’ve never heard a pregnancy discussed so eagerly by teenagers as this one. How Britney handles these next few months will, like it or not, resonate with a great many girls across this country, many of whom adore her despite the media’s sneers. Here’s hoping and praying that it’s a safe and healthy pregnancy, a healthy and happy child, and that Britney can be known in due course as a very different kind of role model.
Oh, and read a great post from Bethany about sugar lust here. I’ll have to blog that sometime soon.
Am I the only one who thinks it in bad taste for a nationally respected parenting magazine to allow its readers to weigh in on others intensely personal decisions about when to have a child?
Heck no.
But what you and Torode are forgetting is that for quite a long time, motherhood and homemaking were synonymous with adulthood for women. Women of that time didn’t grow up, have a career, and then get married and have babies in and around there somewhere; being an at-home mother full-time was their career. And they didn’t live in a time when “should I be a corporate executive or an at-home mom?” was exactly a choice available. I have to say, though, that pushing young women to have babies because it is linked to lower breast-cancer rates is putrid.
(I don’t suppose I even need to get into a) Anne of Green Gables being fictional or b) how small a slice of women of that time were leisured enough to learn Latin and Greek.)
I can think of worse things than having children when one is young and spry. Motherhood involves a lot of manual labor.
We have the idea that young women (and men) should discover and explore the excitements and interests of the outside world before they settle down.
Many moms I know were able to experiment and discover those interests in bits and pieces in the interstices of mothering, and then progressively spend more time on those interests when they were older.
Prudential judgment is important in parents. Hugo, do you think that by-and-large younger parents have worse prudential judgment about the factors that matter in good parenting than older parents? I think we tend to assume that younger parents do have worse prudential judgment, but as I reflect on the parents of all ages I know, I’m not sure this is really true.
I’m not at all troubled by women having children young, either. And I find that general opposition to a woman bearing children before the age of 25 is not feminist-based, but class-based. In some circles, having any children is considered declasse, and that attitude is just amplified when the mother in question is young. It’s another socially-condoned form of looking down on women.
There are advantages and disadvantages to having children young, and it’s ludicrous to leap to any conclusions about the “whys” of when someone gave birth. I’m troubled by your insinuation that postponing childbearing further into adulthood is a sign of prolonging adolescence. This seems to me another “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” judgement call against women. If we have children young (as most of my relatives did), we’re “selfish breeders”; if we have children later (as I did) we’re “selfish career bitches”. Either way, the framing is arranged to paint women in a negative light, no matter the reasons for our decision.
For me, things just worked out the way they did. Ideally, I would have preferred to have children in my early twenties, after completing my apprenticeship (and I would have had more than one!)…it just didn’t work out that way. That’s the breaks. Life throws curve balls, and you adjust. I bristle at the negative assumptions that are thrown to me and other women, specifically because we are women…whether that judgement is “lookit her? damn! doesn’t she know what causes that?! *snicker snicker*!” or “oh, her. she must love her money. probably hates kids. someday, she’ll be a selfish old dried-up prune in a nursing home with no one to care about her.” None of the men I work with have ever had anyone judge them on if or when they became fathers.
Also, are you familiar with girl mom? You shouldn’t have to be Christian, traditional, or even married to have moral support as a young mama.
My sister chose to have her children right out of college, her first at 22 and second at 23. I asked her about it then, being a little worried. She had found her mate and thought it would be better to have kids right while young & work part-time for a few years then (hopefully) have unbroken, full-time employment. She also knew she was giving up spending time with friends & traveling for now. She eventually found an employeer in her field with great family policies and was able to do it. It worked out very well for her; her kids are doing great & her career is too. By her late 40s she’ll be done raising kids, making pretty good money, in good health and will be able to do whatever she wants.
I was drifting through most of my 20s. I think now that fatherhood would have made me mature much faster. I didn’t have enough faith in my self at he time.
“Am I the only one who thinks it in bad taste for a nationally respected parenting magazine to allow its readers to weigh in on others intensely personal decisions about when to have a child?”
I don’t understand: *you* weigh in on Britney’s decision.
Is it only the unwashed who should keep their mouths shut?
Anyway, I think it’s a fact about American culture that national conversations on personal choices, issues of comportment, etc. often take place in the context of celebrity gossip. Like it or not, celebrities serve as the actors in modern-day morality plays. It’s appalling, of course, but probably better than not having any national conversation around these issues. Also, I would distinguish between voluntary celebrities like Britney (who, while they may not appreciate every media intrusion, certainly don’t want to be out of the spotlight), and involuntary celebrities like Terri Schiavo’s family.
I am convinced, however, that we who really believe in honoring the bodies and spirits and minds of young women ought to applaud the Bethanys and the Britneys for valuing marriage and motherhood over the countless other choices that they could have made instead.
Although I was born and raised, and live in the big city, most of my family comes from a deeply rural area in eastern Texas. There it is almost universal that the women have their first child before age 17. Some as young as 14. I’m not referring to accidental pregnancies, but deliberate choices made by these young women, most of them unmarried. That plan was a more or less a straight road to persistent poverty.
I always tried to encourage my own daughter (and now my granddaughter) to at least wait until she finished college. Britany is certainly old enough and was married before she became pregnant, but even she pursued her career and waited until the time was right for her. I think that idea should be stressed to all the young girls that look to her as a role model.
Chris, I think Hugo’s point was that this is a parenting magazine (hardly directed at the ‘unwashed,’ btw). I’m sure we’d all expect Us or People to run such a survey; one wonders why a magazine for parents is encouraging everyone to say whether or not Britney should have had kids.
She had found her mate and thought it would be better to have kids right while young & work part-time for a few years then (hopefully) have unbroken, full-time employment.
I did this as well; of course, I also have a pretty darn good safety net, and a spouse who was willing to take primary responsibility for the children when I went back to the workforce full-time.
I didn’t do it because I figured I’d be able to squeeze travel or accomplishments into the ‘interstices of motherhood.’ It’s not simply a matter of time, but of responsibility. When you’re not a mom, you have more freedom to go and hike across South America, or work for poverty wages as a teacher in Appalachia, or volunteer for the military; it impacts you, primarily. Now if I do those things, it’s not simply a matter of how it affects me, but how it affects my children.
On the class-based thing, it floors me how different people think of different ages as ‘young.’ I had my first child at 25. I used to live in a neighborhood where most of my neighbors were recent immigrants from Mexico and Central America; nobody blinked twice at my age or the number of my children. When I took the kids to an event at the JCC or when I dropped by my oldest kid’s private school, I was occasionally asked if I was the nanny. Middle-class Gentile acquaintance marveled that I had such a large family (three kids. Yes, three).
Hugo,
No, you are not the only one who thinks it is in poor taste to have readers weigh in on a celebrities’ personal decisions. But, you have to remember that the media, print or otherwise, is out to raise their readership. It’s all about money, and Britney becoming a mom is a an incredible opportunity for a parenting magazine to cash in. ….I’m sure that Britney’s manager is also going to make the most of this opportunity to change her image and keep her in public view.__It is sad, our society is just one big marketing conglomorate.
Regarding women having children young….I am not in agreement. Having children takes time, effort and money. Very few young women can, or should take the time away from school to have children when they are young. This is a time when young women should be exploring the world and learning about themselves. Parenting is a huge commitment and it involves lifestyle changes that few young people are willing to make.
Isn’t Britney a millionaire? I think if all women her age had (enormously) successful careers + millions of dollars + (apparently) supportive parents, there would be a lot less concern about teen pregnancy.
Anyway she’s not exactly a postergirl for putting career second. Just like many women, she put her career first and then when she reached a place where she was happy and comfortable (not to mention financially secure), she started a family. In this respect she’s acting a lot more like an older mom than a younger mom!
I got married at a relatively young age and it seemed like people who didn’t know me assumed I was an idiot for doing so and would be divorced before the year was out. While I don’t think it’s necessarily the right path for everyone, I see nothing wrong with it and I think the hostile attitude that many share towards young families is really more about projecting our own insecurities and shortcomings on others.
I certainly agree that Britney’s choices are nobody’s business but her own, but I think that the poll may reflect people’s opinions of Britney Spears’s current level of maturity, rather than some blanket statement about young motherhood. It could also be about blended families: Kevin Federline has two children with his ex-girlfriend, one of them a very young baby who was born after BS and KF got married, and maybe the magazine’s readers think it would be best if the Spears/ Federline clan took some time to sort things out with KF’s kids and ex-girlfriend before they embarked on parenthood. Like I said, none of our business, but not necessarily a judgement about any 24-year-old mother.
Personally, I’ve always been a bit baffled by the one-size-fits-all approach towards women’s life choices. And while I do think that young motherhood limits some women’s choices, I’m a lot more inclined to work to set up a day-care center on my campus than to tell anyone when they should and shouldn’t have children.
I don’t think that early or late motherhood is just an individual decision. With the kind of career insecurity my generation is facing, whether that’s based on something real or imagined, having kids is pretty terrifying. I won’t even get myself a cat because what if I can’t find a job when I graduate and then I switch to the plan B of teaching English overseas and they require you to quarantine your pets for a month or more? What if I make the decision to have children soon and that puts my chances of a career back significantly, when I don’t know whether the hypothetical me in five or ten years will be able to afford that?
Of course, parenthood is terrifying at any age.
But it’s not like I’m putting it off because I’d rather have a European vacation or Louis Vuitton.
But it’s not like I’m putting it off because I’d rather have a European vacation or Louis Vuitton.
And would it be so wrong if you did? There’s such a weird strain of “maturity/adulthood = parenthood” in the piece Hugo posted that it’s a little creepy. Yes, parenthood ideally means maturity, but the reverse isn’t true. Is it really so immature to want to get one’s unburdened vacations, relationships, or other activities done before having children?
Hugo,
The adolescent brain doesn’t finish developing some important hardware (the ability to forsee consequences and act accordingly (and less impulsively) being chief) until age 25.
I’m not saying no one’s ready before age 25. People’s brains grow at different rates, and while it’s still growing until 25, it doesn’t mean you’re an impulsive moron before that. Ok, as a paramedic, I’m forced to say that most people are impulsive morons at any age, but that’s just the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome talking.
There’s something to be said for waiting. Looking back on my years as a medic, the examples of child abuse by the mother, neglect, “pinhead responsibility, and not being “worldly” enough to know how to treat a fever correlate very well with age. Comparing young and old mothers (old being defined as 25 or greater - that is so depressing), the young mothers were far more likely to be substance abusers. Possibly by the time they get to 25, all the substance abusers have died off, woken up, or maybe even being 13 with a kid (I know, you’re not talking 13, I’m just amazed that there was a 26 year old mother taking her daughter to the hospital, because the daughter was in labor) makes you more likely to abuse drugs.
Heaven help the children of the women who got pregnant to become emancipated or get DPA. Least competent decision makers going among females.
Perhaps socioeconomic status and culture play a part, too.
Still, I have to disagree with you.
PS: Nancy had an interesting comment on today’s blog entry. I thought you might want to chime in on that.
I’m not so convinced waiting at least until 21 isn’t a bad idea.
My mother had 4 kids by the time she was 29, which is how old I was when I got married. She was depressed and angry and occasionally abusive throughout much of my childhood. So now I am expecting #3 and I am over 40. I know that I could have lived my life in some kind of alternative or parallel world — but the chance that you will (a) meet an incredibly stable male (not even financially, just stable in his feelings towards marriage, parenthood, and specifically, you); and (b) that said male will be the love of YOUR life such that you would be willing to become his dependent and hope for the best for your own educational and professional outcome, are pretty remote possibilities just now. If it works out, great for you, good luck, and I have nothing against Bethany and Sam, or anyone else who does it. There can be advantages to having children at a young age, but they are not overwhelming. Having children in order to “grow up” yourself is the worst reason I can imagine for starting a family. I know lots of immature parents.
And the physical issues — this is a pretty bad rationale too. For one thing, most women do incredibly well in pregnancy into their 40s. I don’t know what it means to be at your “peak” during that decade, but it doesn’t mean much in a society that provides adequate prenatal care.
NB — it’s in no worse taste for Parents Magazine to capitalize on Britney’s pregnancy than it is for Britney herself. Someone who craves media attention as she does is probably overjoyed that she is the subject of such “gossip” and speculation. Now Julia Roberts would be a different story altogether.
BTW — Hugo — many women were in fact “forced” into marriage by economic and social circumstances. My great-grandmother entered into an emotionally unsuitable but well-connected marriage at 19 out of desperation, and though she never divorced, she left her husband when my grandfather was able to set her up in a separate household. Her daughters chose not to get married — offspring of the wealthy father, they had trust funds. Obviously, they were not the norm.
Hmm. I guess I don’t really see why I should “applaud” anyone for choosing to have kids instead of choosing a different path. I’m not going to stand in their way of making that choice or attack them for it, but the idea that it should be somehow celebrated is a little odd to me. Sure, more power to them for doing what’s right for them and all that, but saying they should be “applauded” for choosing it makes it sound as if it’s somehow better than those “countless other choices they could have made,” and I don’t support that kind of lifestyle-choice ranking.
And I definitely get annoyed at the whole “having kids = maturity, not having kids/putting off having kids = immaturity” dichotomy. Like mythago said, why is it necessarily “immature” to want to have more freedom to travel, more disposable income, more time and energy to devote to one’s career/relationship/hobbies/self, etc? Self-sacrifice is not the only path to maturity, and I’d even say that it’s pretty “selfish” (another claim commonly made about those choosing not to have kids or not to have them yet) for someone to bring another human being into the world just so she can feel more adult, or as incentive to “settle down”/”straighten out her life.”
> There’s something to be said for waiting. Looking back on my years as a medic, the
> examples of child abuse by the mother, neglect, “pinhead responsibility, and not being
> “worldly” enough to know how to treat a fever correlate very well with age. Comparing
> young and old mothers (old being defined as 25 or greater - that is so depressing),
> the young mothers were far more likely to be substance abusers. Possibly by the time
> they get to 25, all the substance abusers have died off, woken up, or maybe even being
> 13 with a kid (I know, you’re not talking 13, I’m just amazed that there was a 26 year
> old mother taking her daughter to the hospital, because the daughter was in labor)
> makes you more likely to abuse drugs.
I don’t see all these side effects as being those of younger age at onset of motherhood vs older age at onset of motherhood. I’ve seen many responsible younger moms and many irresponsible older moms.
IME, the moms who are the most responsible and make the best decisions, no matter the age, are those who’ve been given the opportunity to learn to think and to make responsible decisions. Maturity and responsibility are a growth process. Far too often, children are kept from being responsible because their parents don’t want them to “lose their childhood.”
But what about teaching them to be responsible decision-makers *AND* how to have fun. Those aren’t diametrically opposed characteristics. But we often act as if they are. We try to keep our children little and immature, then expect them to function well when they are out on their own.
A lot of people think it’s wrong to make kids take on responsibilities while they’re growing up. But I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s wrong NOT to.
Caitriona, a woman who is 40 is more likely to have been given a chance to learn and think and make responsible decisions. Not inevitably, of course, but over the course of time, more likely. I disagree that parents are infantilizing their children — the situation is not that simple. In many ways, children are pushed to be mature beyond their years, but they are denied true responsibility, either for their upkeep or for the condquences of their actions. This is the worst of all possible worlds, but I don’t see it as a function of a parent’s age.
I agree that it’s not a function of the parents’ age. That was my point. Of course a woman of 40 has had more years to learn, think, and mature. But a woman of 18 can also learn, think, and mature, if given the opportunity.
I’ve spent too much time with teens who don’t have the slightest clue about being responsible for anything they do. (Adults, too, for that matter.) And then I’ve spent time with teens who have been given gradually increasing responsibilities. There is a world of difference, both in the ability to make life-impacting decisions and in the application of those decisions. People, at whatever age, who’ve learned to be responsible put more thought into their actions. They are more ready for any consequences and/or benefits from their actions than are people who’ve had no responsibilities.
Isn’t it interesting how the discussion is all about younger moms and nothing about the age of the dads?
Back in the days when teen parenthood was normal, you also expected to have kids within the context of an extended family that lived in the same town or even the same house as you. I think urging people to wait is partly a function of the modern assumption that each parent-child group is going to be relatively independent. Even today, subcultures where teen pregnancy is normal seem to have pretty strongly involved grandparents.
Excellent point Mythago…
Of course younger couples are totally feasible if their parents are supportive of them financially. In some communities it is normal for parents to buy their newly married kids a home, or at least to make the down payment, and to help them out with costs of children.
If you’re not in such a culture, well… there’s no way around the fact that unless you’re a child pop sensation, money and earning power tends to be very closely tied into years of education/work/experience (if not into general maturity and wisdom), and families cost money, which makes advocating for younger motherhood a bit hard to separate from advocating for older fatherhood…
Oops, I made it sound as if money and earning power were tied into maturity and wisdom, not my intention!
Age of the dads:
Young males (under 20) seem to have offspring who are more likely to have some neurological malfunction in older age - I forget whether it’s Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s.
I talked about moms because I rarely saw a father when mom was under 25. Actually, they weren’t all that much more common over 25. When I did, it wasn’t unusual for the father to be 10+ years older than the mom.
I didn’t keep stats, and let’s face it - my sample is skewed by it being merely those who call 911 for something. Still …
BTW:
Definition of Pinhead Responsibility: Lying to medics and doctors on a Friday after the hospital labs closed, telling them that your child had a seizure. Since the labs can’t be done, the kid gets admitted and mom can go out and party and get stoned and whatever without endangering the child.
Yes, Rob, your perceptions are probably skewed from your work as a medic.
But then, mine are skewed by being the daughter of a nurse who worked ER while I was a teen; having 2 sisters who are nurses; having a husband, a BIL, and an ex who are medics; having a step-dad who’s a pharmacist; and having volunteered with the local fire dept. Additionally, mine is skewed by having worked in public schools and private schools, now interacting with homeschoolers, and working with international students. Uhm, plus growing up on a farm and moving back to one after spending time in the city (YUCK!!). ;-)
All of us have at least slightly skewed perspectives. True reality is always somewhere in the middle.
It is selfish to have children, no matter what age you are, just like it’s selfish to have a career. Both require a lot of time and energy, but bring you personal satisfaction.
It is selfish to want to bring in a life into an imperfect world. To have something to love, and to care for. It is selfish to make another life to put a strain on all the resources.
Young males (under 20) seem to have offspring who are more likely to have some neurological malfunction in older age - I forget whether it’s Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s.
I’ve never heard of anything like this, though there is apparently a weak correlation between older dads and Down’s Syndrome.
I spent a lot of time and energy on a sucessful career and I am about to go on a break as I get married in October and hopefully have a passel of children. A huge part of me wishes that I could have had children when I was younger, as now I find myself going to be at 10:30 (wow, am I exausted). But, alas, I didn’t meet my prince until I was 26 and we will marry when I turn 28.
My mother, on the other hand, became a mother at 20. By 42, both of her kids were out of the house, she knew who she was and what she wanted, she and my father have been married since she was 19, she has a nice home and a lot more money than she did at 20. So, she has gone back to school, travelled a bit and is having a great time. Plus, she is wise enough to enjoy it.
The problem now with young mothers is that our culture doesn’t help people grow up. Bethany Torode is a huge exception. (I know her, I can attest to her maturity). I was too immature at 20 to marry. So what do we do now?