I’m a big fan of local comedian, writer, and commentator Sandra Tsing Loh. Today’s paper contains a version of her recent commencement address at her alma mater, nearby Caltech. (Nearby, heck, it’s across the street from PCC). It’s very fine, it’s very funny, and it’s worth quoting this section:
I remembered the one thing that freed me, post-Caltech. And I believe it can free you too. The advice being not "Dare to dream" — every young person dares to dream. Frankly, it’s all they do all day! But many bright young people, under their A-student masks, also harbor a secret passion. And the key to releasing that last exotic bird to flight is not "Dare to dream" but, listen carefully: "Dare … to disappoint … your father." That’s right, Caltech graduates, freedom begins now! Diploma in hand, start today veering wildly off course! Have the fabulous graduation lunch, at the Ath or Burger Continental. Let your parents get a few bites in, and then boldly unveil your hideous summer plans! Skiing, snorkeling, belly-dancing, sleeping — maybe try out for "American Idol," why not?
And you Asian students? That goes double for you. You know who you are. Don’t make me come and get you. Don’t be shy. Look at me — I went into the liberal arts, which, for a Chinese father, is like pole-dancing.
Failing one’s elders is serious business and not currently in fashion. These are times of great anxiety, and great conventionality. I see very few black armbands here today.
Graduation is the beginning of the hero’s journey, which is a little bit Oedipal. Just a little. I’m not saying kill your father! But the hero’s journey does begin by leaving the safety of the village. (Bold emphases are all Hugo’s).
Oh amen, Sandra, amen and amen and amen. My classes in summer school are filled with the dutiful and the studious (I always get "better" students in the summer.) Over one half of all my students are East Asian, many are recent immigrants or are still on student visas. So many worry so much about their grades. How often I’ve wanted to give them the advice that Sandra Tsing Loh gave here, but feared being told (as I was in my post about moving away), that "You just don’t understand." Loh, of Chinese descendant, has the authority to say to Asian students what I cannot: the hero’s journey does begin by leaving the safety of the village.
May it be so with all the hard-working, the dutiful, the eager-to-please, the obedient of all ethnic groups and social classes: "dare to disappoint your parents." Best graduation advice for overachievers I’ve ever heard. Preach it, sister Sandra. This commencement address is going up on my office wall.
I don’t know. Who’s going to feed and house you while you’re snorkeling and belly-dancing? Not everybody has the income for that kind of rebellion.
True. One gift I hope I give my children is the financial freedom to disappoint me with impunity.
Who’s going to feed and house you while you’re snorkeling and belly-dancing?
You! Day-job! (or, night-job, as the case may be)
I don’t think you need to be independently wealthy in order to disappoint your parents. I’ve known people who have disappointed their parents by not getting married immediately, or conversely by getting married immediately, or by taking a job that paid the bills but didn’t seem like “life-long career” material. I know a guy who disappointed his self-righteous hippy parents by taking a job at an investment bank and being financially solvent for the first time in his life. I have a good friend, an immigrant from India, who profoundly disappointed his parents by going to grad school (with a full scholarship and a stipend) in history, rather than in something useful and science-y. A friend of a friend disappointed his parents by taking his Phi Beta Kappa Ivy League degree and becoming a public school teacher, something they considered beneath him.
I’m not in favor of rebellion for rebellion’s sake. But I’m also not in favor of doing something that makes you miserable just because it’s the conventional thing to do. And I do see a lot of that, especially from immigrant and first generation kids. I think the source of that pressure is completely understandable, but I still think it limits students in ways that sometimes make them unhappy.
Sally, absolutely. I’m not endorsing mindless, self-destructive rebellion. I am endorsing a journey in which each individual discovers who he or she is, separate from the crushing burden of parental and cultural expectations.
Well, I guess the fact that I grew up in one of the most expensive places in America is showing here. Where I come from, the sort of day jobs most 22-year-olds could get wouldn’t support a skiing habit (and those of us who strung together part-time jobs didn’t have much time for one, either). It just seems to be presuming a lot to tell everyone to go out and do that.
Camassia, I don’t think she’s telling everyone to ski. She mentioned sleeping too. What’s she advocating is opting out, not expensive hedonism.
Yeah, I guess I’ve just seen enough expensive hedonism to be worried about it. I had a friend who graduated college and then took off to Spain for a year, and funded it by maxing out her credit card. So her exercise in youthful liberty got her in bondage to a bank, which seems worse than being in bondage to parents. (And given how aggressively the lenders pitch to college students, there’s plenty of temptation.)
Then again, these are mostly middle-class white people I’m talking about, not immigrant children. I imagine the family dynamics were different for us.
What Carnassia said. “Dare not to be the dutiful, boring child” is a good message, but I wince to see it cluttered up with what, essentially, is telling kids to do stupid or outlandish stuff because, after all, they have a safety net (CalTech degree, money).
May it be so with all the hard-working, the dutiful, the eager-to-please, the obedient of all ethnic groups and social classes: “dare to disappoint your parents.”
Ok, why is it suprising I don’t like this?
“There is one thing a man may always do if he chuses, and that is his duty”. Full stop. All this self-potentiation rubbish can wait. I’ll find myself in ten years or so. In the mean-time, I’ve got work to do, and I’ll thank you to get your values imperialism out of my way.
safety net is indeed correct. but you dont have to break out by spending or doing outlandish things. but still, it seems like there will always be a certain freedom to those who are finically better, they are able to experiment more and risk dabbling in various things.
Hmm. My eloquent comment seems to have dissapeared, or perhaps never shown up. Camissia–she’s pretty clearly talking to middle class Asian-American kids. Some dynamics are rather different. Whether or not being in bondage to a bank is better or worse than being in bondage to one’s parents is largely dependent on the parents. In some cases, the bank is clearly a better option, even with usurious interest rates. Some parents can really do a number on their adult children.
Your points about safety nets and the privileges of CalTech grads should be duly noted, and those who are fortunate enough to have such a safety net are a whole lot less insufferable when they’re aware of that fact. This isn’t general social commentary on economic inequality, though; it’s advice to people who do indeed have a safety net. The fact that others don’t isn’t, in and of itself, a reason not to use (not abuse, mind you, simply use) a safety net you do have.
Need I point out that after graduating from Caltech some pointless hedonism is due? It’s no coincidence that the world’s great scientists graduated from Caltech…I say let them have a summer of fun (even if it’s just sleeping and trying out for American Idol - both budget conscience activities)! That goes for people who graduate from anywhere, hell, graduating is HARD.
Ok, why is it suprising I don’t like this?
I, for one, am deeply shocked.
Somehow I don’t think you’d be as upset if the “disappointment” were, say, a child of hippie liberal parents joining the military.
Somehow I don’t think you’d be as upset if the “disappointment” were, say, a child of hippie liberal parents joining the military.
How about a child of a military family going into the Peace Corps?
Actually, mythago, you’d be surprised. I’ve known plenty of kids who’ve rebelled by becoming far more conservative than their parents. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m not trying to push a specific ideological agenda here. I am interested in seeing young people explore their options and discover themselves. If that means joining the Army Rangers, so be it.
You can also disappoint you parents by being something beyond your control - gay, I did that. Also by becoming disenchanted with engineering, (I still plan to study it, but it lost its “magic” because of a male supremest teacher) when I told them I wanted to study the technology part of theatere, I was gently nudged back to engineering. I think its another of those monetary security things.
I’ve known plenty of kids who’ve rebelled by becoming far more conservative than their parents.
Oh, gosh, yes. I’m fulling expecting my middle child to decide, around age 15 or so, that we need to start using separate sets of milk and meat dishes. ;)
But I wasn’t really talking about rebellion, where a child figures out what would most piss of the ‘units and goes out and does that in an in-your-face way to annoy them. I mean situations where the child’s values or choices are so very different from the parents. I can’t help wondering if John would be as disappointed in a child who, say, shed his parents’ expectations of being a third-generation lefty activist to enroll in West Point.
There’s a lot to be said for tailoring the message to the audience. To an audience of immigrant east-asians with pushy parents, “go ahead and rebel” may be just what the doctor ordered. But that doesn’t necessarily make it universally applicable.
I’d say the advice would be better directed at high school grads than college grads, though. HS doesn’t saddle you with a crippling debt burden, and colleges are a lot more likely to forgive time taken off before starting college than employers are to forgive time taken off before starting one’s career.