Comments on: “My life doesn’t just revolve around you”: a note of gratitude for a feminist mom

By: vanessa sath

vanessa sath — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 19:24:09 +0000

Hiya

My mom was and is a great mom, however my life being an only child was filled with unhappiness as my mom and dad split, and when she got angry she continuously slated my dad as being a compulsive gambler yet she was the shopaholic and I was caught in this triangle of doubt and fear mostly as I watched her abuse my dad and he her, and so my life went on up until 11 years of age mostly being resentful towards her as she would constantly tell me that she was forced to marry my dad because asians were not allowed to have a baby without being married in the 70’s it was simply taboo, my dad being 13 years older than my mom did not compensate for much just that he was a talented musician and had dreams of making it big in America, however I followed his american dream and went travelling abroad, since I have met my husband, I think God put us together with all the crap I went through I was searching and also running away from all the disgrace I had to see with my kiddish folks, the just of my story briefly is now since settling in the UK and my mom and dad living separately in SA, my mom sends me guilt trips saying nasty stuff abt me that I don’t care abt her and I should be providing for her right now even though she is financially stable for her retirement and upsets me so much, i realise we all have to get old but dammit when are these folks gonna stop their stupid mindset of relying heavily on their kids, why the hell have kids if your are gonna burden them, i feel so angry with my mom I have been shedding tears all day and to top it all my mom cussed me horriblyto a relative of mine who is no better saying I dont care abt her since moving to europe.

I feel so crap

By: Vacula

Vacula — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 11:14:37 +0000

Hugo, I don’t want to beat this horse to death, but your statement that you’d “rather work on reaching their sons and daughters, the ones who will grow up (deo volente) with more access to choices” than “attack those women who do this” kind of misses the way the sons and daughters can lessen “the legacy of guilt and obligation and contingent happiness” for their mothers.

I agree with Arwen’s post and think this conversation is being framed in a very individualistic way that minimizes the “natural bonds” of love. If you set up a binary opposition between sacrifice and personal fulfillment, of course there will be guilt and resentment. Which is why I liked your comments about honoring instead of obeying. But I think your “rebellion” post still point to a view of dutiful obedience instead of mutual growth and conversation between parents and children - which is what I think “honoring” should lead to.

By: Arwen

Arwen — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 06:57:04 +0000

I’m also from a single parent family of poverty (really heinously so, while my mom went to school), and my mom’s always been really clear that our “job” in life is to figure out who we are and live true to that. I love her, so I certainly wouldn’t allow her to live her old age abject and alone: but it wouldn’t be because I owed her anything outside the bounds of love.
As for sacrifice? Well… I don’t know. At least in my situation, with adequate birth control and choices other than marriage and children available, I signed up for loss of finances and sleepless nights and not doing the cha-cha on Saturdays when I chose to have my kidlets. They didn’t ask it of me. Even in brutal, choiceless lives, the children didn’t ask anyone to be born. Society may have demanded it: but then the sacrifice is to society, and to biological imperative. Seems a lot to put on a kid.
However, we live in a very, very individualistic society. I imagine that frames the discussion entirely through different lenses.

By: mythago

mythago — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 03:52:48 +0000

there really are situations in life in which women (and men) cannot be happy, and that’s not their fault

I don’t see what that has to do with Hugo’s post. He’s not talking about finding happiness and joy through your kids. There is a great difference between that, and making your happiness and joy contingent on your adult children’s obedience and willingness to follow the life you want them to have.

And, y’know, having come from a family with autistic kids and crushing work schedules and soup kitchens and all kinds of other things, I’m really not buying that poverty or suffering is an excuse to use guilt to control your children.

By: Hugo

Hugo — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:16:46 +0000

Antigone, this is why feminist community matters — and why we need to do a better job of cross-generational mentoring.

But plenty of feminist mothers were not, obviously, also the daughters of feminist mothers! It is possible to have relationships radically different from the ones you grew up observing; it is possible to have a feminist marriage/be a feminist mom without coming from that background.

Not easy! I’m not saying it is. But “making it up as you go” may pay off in ways that surprise and delight you.

By: Antigone

Antigone — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:07:01 +0000

Just throwing in my two cents here (and hoping that this is safe enough to not attract MRA types):

My mother was (and is) decidedly non-feminist. And the problem with that fact is a) I’ve recivied, subtley and blatantly many versions of the “you owe me this because…” speech. Having rejected my parents values, I’m kinda drifting: I love and wish to honor and respect my family, but at the same time, feel they are being unreasonable in their expecations of me, and how much control they feel they should have over me.

Problem b is I have no idea how to be a wife or mother. The main role model I have is my mom, and there’s no way that I want to emulate her. So, when I get in a relationship, I start to over-analyze everything: am I doing this to be nice, to show affection, or am I doing this because I’d feel guilty if I didn’t? Is this appropriate behavior, or is it a result of unrealistic family (and social) explanations? There was no good feminist role-model for me: I feel like I’m making this up as I go.

By: Ruthi

Ruthi — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 23:04:24 +0000

Thank you for posting this. My mother is like that in many ways and I often forget how much growing up in a household with a successful professor as a mother contributed to becoming a feminist. I can only hope that when I am a mother I can teach my children the same lessons as well.

By: Hugo

Hugo — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 22:51:58 +0000

Emily — oh, I like the “soccer mom” bit. The notion that creating a perfectly well-rounded child is one’s ultimate project and source of validation is an interesting one, and it dovetails nicely with this topic.

By: Emily H.

Emily H. — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 22:45:13 +0000

(Insert usual I could be wrong but–) I believe that the white, middle-class sacrificing of oneself for one’s children is a fairly recent development. Most mothers, historically, were simply too wrapped up in their own work, whether domestic or agricultural or whatnot, to devote themselves completely wholeheartedly to their child’s wellbeing in the same way that I see parents doing by chauffeuring their kids to ballet, karate, soccer, music lessons, sending them to tutoring at the first sign of a C– it’s a different kind of sacrifice than the immigrant mother’s sacrifice, but it can have the same results, and I’ve heard the “After all I’ve done for you” speech. I am 23. I live about 35 miles from “home.” My mother thinks nothing of, say, chauffeuring me to interviews (I can’t afford to drive), or taking me shopping, or doing my laundry when I’m home for the weekend…because it gives her something to do, it gives purpose to her life. And really, that’s kind of sad.

By: Starfoxy

Starfoxy — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 20:06:27 +0000

Thanks for posting this. One thing that has sort of been glossed over is that all parents do make a lot of sacrifices, and could always say “after all I’ve done for you…” regardless of whether or not they took personal time. So perhaps the emphasis shouldn’t be on making sure that mothers take time for themselves, but should be on making sure that mothers don’t loose themselves in their children. The single mother who works 2+ jobs and has no personal time would do better thinking of herself as “working to support me and my kids,” instead of only “working to support my kids.” In that way her ability to separate her life from her kids’ lives isn’t contingent on having the luxuries of free time. It’s a subtle change in thought, but it has made a huge difference for me.