It’s been a busy Friday, and I haven’t had much time at all to post. I’m still thinking about modesty and responsibility, mind you, though I promise to be on to different topics next week.
Despite the heat, I’m moving back into one of those phases of my life where I’m exercising more and paying more attention to my diet. Whether it’s based on bad science or not, I’m doing well on the "eating for your blood type" regimen.. I feel stronger and leaner; I’ve cut most refined sugars and most white flour out of my diet. I wasn’t eating meat to begin with, so that sacrifice is not significant. But I am eating lots of beans and rice cakes and peanut butter and dried pineapple. Fear not, my diet is more diverse than that — but those have recently become some of my staples.
I realize that one of the things that makes my blog tiresome to read is that I’m so obviously a self-improvement junkie. (I indeed do belong in Los Angeles!) I’ve married a woman who happily shares my interest in ongoing transformation, and together, we get a lot done. In a way, we’re distinctly immodest: we’re addicted to more! Not more things, of course, but "more better".
Yes, I’m deeply interested in being as physically healthy as I possibly can; I like following a healthy and even strict diet and working out daily. I want to find my optimum level of fitness; I want my body to be as strong (and yes, as aesthetically pleasing) as possible. But I’m also interested in becoming an ever-better teacher; I fiddle with syllabi and with lectures, always looking to see what can be done to improve my work. I want to be a better husband; I am eager to become a more complete, caring, loving, partner and spouse to my wife. I want to be a more effective community volunteer; I want to rescue more chinchillas, I want to reach more kids in my youth group. I want to write books, and at long last, am close to starting on that process. I want to make more money, and give more of it away.
I justify the amount of time I spend on improving my fitness by saying I work equally hard on teaching, my volunteering, and my marriage. But does an increase in generosity in one area of one’s life justify an increased self-absorption in another?
When Christ came into my life, He came into the life of an addict. Addiction, at its core, is about desire — and for as long as I can remember, I’ve had an abundance of that! For things good and bad — drugs/women/faster marathon times/success/weight loss/greater spiritual awareness/greater opportunity to serve/what-have-you — my life from adolescence on has been about pushing for "more." And that essential part of my nature hasn’t changed since I became a Christian. I’ve switched addictions, mind you! I’ve replaced self-destruction with self-improvement, and I confess that my commitment to the latter is almost as off-putting to some as the former!
It’s an old story, and my narrative is hardly a unique one. But to friends, family, students, colleagues and strangers who read this blog regularly, let me take this opportunity to acknowledge that I can be an exhausting and exasperating man to be around, learn from, and read. I’d say that I’m genuinely sorry, but I am not repentant about my fascination with stronger, farther, faster, better. But I do sympathize with your annoyance.
I have a feeling that when, deo volente, we have children, lots of this will change.
Hmm. On the subject of diets and feelings…
Given the info you’re disclosed about your past and your lifestyle- and your current problem (IIRC) with feeling a bit tired or ‘off’- I wonder if you’re not ’sugar sensitive’ (www.radiantrecovery.com is a decent place to start for info). If you are, then this blood type thing probably won’t nail the root cause.
This is just a hunch. I’m sugar sensitive myself, and I struggled with misdiagnosis and clueless doctors for a long time before I finally pegged the core problem. A lot of the things you’ve written about your problems with weight, addiction, food and exercise sound *really* familiar to me. Even the uber-drive for self-improvement is a ‘risk factor’ for sugar sensitivity.
As a clueless internet stranger, I may well be completely off. But I felt I should say something just in case. :)
RL, you may be right — I do crave sugar so much, and do so well when I severely restrict my intake of the white stuff. (Fruit sugar seems to be just fine).
I have a feeling that when, deo volente, we have children, lots of this will change.
Honestly, it sounds like when you have kids, you’ll just find new things to obsess about, ie. How to be the Perfect (as you can) Parent.
Hugo, I’m glad to hear you admit to this (ok, you’ve been up-front all along, but it’s been hard to hear through some of the judgment).
What I long for is to hear what is “enough.” Not that I expect to be “home” this side of judgement, but that want to be assured that I’m at least on the right train.
Y’all keep moving the hurdles on us - and we on one another.
And y’all wonder why the MRA-types are irrationally angry?
HUGO, you are just waaaay too cool! Loving your blog….and tell me how I can become “addicted” to fitness.
And please hurry.
One self-improvement junkie to another, I enjoy your blog.
Now, it’s possible that aldahlia is correct, and that with kids, you’ll find new obsessions. My hope for you, instead, is that you’ll learn that “enough” is sometimes simply that: enough. Where parenting is concerned, perfection is highly overrated.
Can the world handle a little Schwyzer?
I’m not sure we’re ready! :)
Oriscus, I’d hate to have you reduce my commitment to male transformation solely to a function of my personality rather than a genuine ideological commitment. All of us who hold strong beliefs have those beliefs shaped by our idiosyncracies, I admit — but you don’t have to be a self-improvement junkie or “growth addict” to acknowledge that all of us, men and women alike, have lots of transforming to do.
When and if a little Schwyzer appears, y’all will be informed.
Hugo, “I’ll change when my kids are born” is not exactly a thoughtful improvement strategy destined for success. Yes, many people do change when they have children. Other people don’t, or change in ways that are destructive, or blame their children for ‘ruining’ their former way of life.
The last thing you want is to have a child and blithely continue in your old, pre-kid schedule (”But honey, it’s exercise!”) or to resent your children for cutting into your me-time. And, as aldahlia points out, obsessive tendencies can simply be shifted from one kind of improvement to another. I don’t mean this in a snotty way, but if you have a counselor or spiritual adviser, you might want to talk with them.
I justify the amount of time I spend on improving my fitness by saying I work equally hard on teaching, my volunteering, and my marriage. But does an increase in generosity in one area of one’s life justify an increased self-absorption in another?
I have never considered fitness to be “self-absorption.” I view it more as essential self-care, like sleeping, or brushing your teeth. One ought to be fit, if possible, in order to be maximally effective in other areas of life. If I am exercising, I do better work, and do better all around.
Of course, I have a feeling you spend a bit more time and energy on your exercise regimen than I do!
Oriscus said: “And y’all wonder why the MRA-types are irrationally angry?”
“Irrationally” angry? Not at all. Unless one considers opposition to blatant sexism, hypocrsy and discrimination to be “irrational.”