I found this to be the most telling, and saddest, sentence in this entire post. What does this say about the self-consciousness and self-censorship that women learn as they become adults, that they don’t behave as if men are “safe” to be sexual around unless they’re “expressing an intention”?

Another flaw in the study is the disparity between the past the present. How do we know that behavior and attitudes among young women over the years has not significantly changed? I’d bet money that it has. Therefore you cannot compare the way older women of today think about their relationships of the past with the way younger women of today view their present-day ones. It’s like apples and oranges. Or at least, oranges and limes.

And finally, quite often people’s opinions of themselves and others change with the passage of time. It doesn’t necessarily mean they become more accurate. It doesn’t necessarily follow that the individual gained some additional wisdom with age, or that the present-day opinion of one’s past actions are any more accurate than the historical ones. However, Ms. Phillips seems to think that the majority of the older women interviewed have apparently learned from their earlier mistakes; otherwise they wouldn’t remember them as mistakes. Experience must have taught them volumes, because now they are wise enough to see the error of their ways. But wait: Hugo has indicated that youthful promiscuity and adult wisdom aren’t so closely correlated. But apparently, according to Ms. Phillips, they are. Who are we to believe?

Thanks
Andy

Can I think anything other than she wants the material rewards of being with someone older? Are there other considerations? What makes this kind of woman tick? Just trying to understand … really, not trying to judge…

Why did you, the person posting this, decide the guy was a loser? I ilke the fact you found someone your own age.

When i was 18 i dated a married 30-something–I dont regret it completely, discount my own ‘agency’ or feel totally exploited, but I recognize that I was totally naive in expecting this person, just because he was an adult, to be together enought to be responsible for himself and his kid and be more or less a straightforward person with me.

Things he told me that justified the relationship to me then strike me now as obvious lies, but at the time seemed reasonable. I took more crap off of him than I ever did off of an 18-year-old because he was an adult, and adults, I thought, dont lie because they are embarassed, want to cover their ass or just becuase its easier than telling the truth. So, incredible as it may seem, I believed his wife really WAS in a mental hospital, and he had NO IDEA what I was talking about with that STD. I think I would have called bullshit on a peer, and I know for a fact that with a peer I wouldnt have been so nervous about demanding condom usage.

Looking back now, he looks totally different than he did to my 18 year old self; the fact that he was dating me alone should have been a big red flag about his lack of age-appropriate relational skills, and his pursuit of me at the time (which seemed then to be a series of coincedences and simple admiration) seems now vaugely predatory, stalker-like, and an intentional effort to exploit my “niceness”.

Now just to say, I’m not an exceptionally stupid peron–during this same period I won a National Merit Scholarship, but i was a loving trusting young person with little experience and ability to evaluate the mind and motivations of an adult.

That said, I dont think I was horribly injured (though I could have been) Basically, I ultimately decided the guy was kind of a loser. My bullshit detector went off when he introduced me to his kid, which seemed wholly inappropriate even to my hormone-dulled intelect. I broke up with him and got a college boyfriend.

You would be correct.

As older men, our obligation to be safe, loving, and utterly non-sexual in our relationships with younger women
Says who?
Who gets to decide what a younger woman is? Relative to what? Tony Randall married a 26 year old when he was 77. Who decides who has agency and who doesn’t? What you are suggesting is restrictions on behavior between consenting, legal, emancipated adults.

This is just more in loco parentis - much like my Alma Mater wouldn’t allow visitors past 9pm, or you had to have the dorm door open 6″ when a young woman was over.

This streak of restrictions on personal behavior is an interesting trait of many liberal thinkers.

Why don’t you mention ‘Cougars’ who actively and openly seek out younger men for dalliances? Isn’t there the exact same power imbalance between a 43 year old woman and a 22 year old man? And why the double standard? Don’t you think women should be held to the same standards as men?

My rebuke is primarily to the older partners of the young, who reassure themselves that they aren’t doing anything wrong because the much younger person appears to be enthusiastically consenting.

hugo, what you’re advocating is just another form of paternalism - telling a young woman that you are a better judge than she is of what is good for her. i would agree that a relationship with a much older man is not usually in a woman’s best interests, that a power imbalance of that magnitude will probably lead to an unhealthy dynamic, but i would not dream of making this decision for anyone but myself. if you are over 18, you make your own romantic decisions. for young women to learn to be independent and self-defining, we have to make our own choices - which will necessarily include some bad choices. it’s pretty well accepted that young men will make mistakes along the way to becoming adults, so why do you feel young women need to be sheltered from these experiences? a big part of learning what makes a good relationship is by experiencing what makes a bad one.