Comments on: “Fat”, “Slut”, “Selfish”: a note on the three great fears

By: janet manning

janet manning — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 07:34:19 +0000

Came across your blog in Bing

By: Stasi

Stasi — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 21:47:27 +0000

The real head-spinner is when you find that the thing that makes you feel “selfish” is also the thing that requires you to be most “self-less”: I speak of the choice to stay home and raise a child. I felt selfish doing this because I was not living up to my “potential” as a career woman, because I stopped “providing” for my family, because we don’t have health insurance because I, unlike most of my mommy friends, will not work only to have it. I’m selfish because I want to be with my daughter more than “better myself” by continuing my education or striving for higher career goals. Somehow it feels selfish (and this is some screwed up psychology and societal pressure) to want to give myself up for another person (even to say that is “giving myself up”…which I’m not, I’m living fully into who I am!). Go figure.

By: Kala

Kala — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:48:12 +0000

I love that you posted this again. I thought I’d read a lot of your archives; musta missed this one.

Please, please, please, help other men to “get it”. You could start with my brother, or go back in time and find my father and my first few boyfriends.

Were you always so intuitive about women’s inner lives, or is your insight primarily a consequence of teaching women’s history for so many years? Any suggestions on how to make men who don’t do what you do equally intuitive and emphathetic?

By: leapfrog

leapfrog — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 14:04:28 +0000

Did you really neeed Hugo to tell you that - I suspect are really a hermit, and not a successful philanderer at all

By: Utter bastard

Utter bastard — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 05:22:46 +0000

You have no idea how wonderfully helpful this is.
Its a real eye opener, thanks, really, thanks.
As a predatory male, manipulating women by working over thier self esteem, it’s very useful to know that Selfish, Fat and Slut are three keywords that I can now employ in the negative dialogue I normally conduct with women as I seduce them. Thanks to this clever and useful insight, I expect to be able to sucker in, use, and discard more women per month than ever before.

Cheers
UtterBastard

By: Lily

Lily — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 21:22:39 +0000

Thank you so much for this post. Of all the things I struggle with of myself, “selfishness” brings me the least sleep. I have never been called “slut”, but I have been called “fat” and “selfish” and by far I would rather be called “fat”. But by reading your post, I wonder now if I truly am “selfish” in negative manner, because although I prioritize myself over others I think I do serve those who do have a need.

By: julie ann sterna

julie ann sterna — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 08:18:56 +0000

nice

By: Girl talk « Eye Level Pasadena

Girl talk « Eye Level Pasadena — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 17:38:20 +0000

[…] *If you didn’t see his post last month titled “Fat”, “Slut”, “Selfish”: a note on the three great fears, it’s also worth a read. […]

By: Margie

Margie — Sat, 16 Jun 2007 14:43:51 +0000

Just want to congratulate you on really reading these journals … so often when journaling is a part of a class it seems the professor is wanting them for some sort of affirmation that the students read the books that were covered in exactly the way they were “supposed” to and got out of it what they were “supposed” to learn. There was even an undercover “journal guide” at a friend’s undergrad (what to write if you want an “A” kind of thing) and another friend of mine did not like a book her prof wrote and her professor sent her to the college counselor! It has been a solid decade since I was in that position, but from former students everywhere thanks for actually reading what is written instead of what you want to see on the page.

By: Urocyon

Urocyon — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 13:09:01 +0000

Great post. Some of my worst struggles (and self-sabotage) have come from applying the “selfish” label to myself, and I have seen that undermining many–if not most–of the other women I know well. In many cases, “selfish” does seem to be shorthand for “not half-killing yourself trying to please other people”, or even “half-killing yourself but not pleasing anyway”. It can be equally fun when people around you are not so open with expectations, so you end up trying to decipher what they really want and feeling selfish no matter what you do, as nothing seems to satisfy. I have seen parents use their ostensible lack of expectations to keep their daughters, in particular, off balance this way, though thankfully haven’t been in that situation myself.

I must say, I was a bit surprised not to see anyone mention what struck me right off about the “coercion through college fund” thing: the original comment is absolutely dripping in privilege. An awful lot of people not only cannot depend on a parental college fund, they have to work to help make sure there is electric light to study by. (And, as I know well, some of them do not go into “practical” courses of study.)

Yes, as long as they are not harming anyone in the process, adults have the right to dispose of their money however it suits them. At the same time, they should realize that–according to the rules one is embracing to wield that privilege in the first place–their privilege necessarily involves some degree of power over other people, and potential to do harm.

I am having trouble putting all my concerns about this kind of situation into words right now without horrible clumsiness. I can say that, at the very best, claims that one is only exercising one’s own rights while using one’s privilege to coerce even nonrelatives smacks of sophistry.