Comments on: Another in the student crushes series: the “daddy crush” and the need for a mentor http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/ Fri, 05 Dec 2008 08:56:56 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 By: Kala http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-370971 Kala Sat, 07 Jun 2008 01:26:37 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-370971 Like Sheena said above, you can find a mentor sexually attractive. When you were first my teacher, I was attracted to you, as I am sure you could tll!! And don't take this the wrong way, but I was less sexually attracted to you the more I got to know you. Not that you are bad looking, Hugo, but I think I got past the initial attraction because I did realize I wanted more mentoring and advice than I wanted sexual or romantic things to happen with you. I also happen to have a huge respect for marriage. Knowing you were married was and is a bigger barrier than that you are/were my teacher. Whatever you were like in the past, you are safe now. As I get ready to leave PCC, I wanted to thank you publically as well as personally for that. Like Sheena said above, you can find a mentor sexually attractive. When you were first my teacher, I was attracted to you, as I am sure you could tll!! And don’t take this the wrong way, but I was less sexually attracted to you the more I got to know you. Not that you are bad looking, Hugo, but I think I got past the initial attraction because I did realize I wanted more mentoring and advice than I wanted sexual or romantic things to happen with you. I also happen to have a huge respect for marriage. Knowing you were married was and is a bigger barrier than that you are/were my teacher.

Whatever you were like in the past, you are safe now. As I get ready to leave PCC, I wanted to thank you publically as well as personally for that.

]]> By: Sheena http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-148147 Sheena Wed, 14 Nov 2007 16:35:33 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-148147 I could be Mackenzie Sowers, I swear. On the other hand, I like everything about your post except the use of the "daddy" word. I think you can find a mentor sexually attractive, as I think some of the women you mentor find you, and at the same time not want an actual sexual relationship. Sometimes you want to be mentored and nothing more, but you want to be mentored by someone hot. The fact that you're reasonably goodlooking for a man your age, Hugo, probably makes you a more appealing mentor. That doesn't mean most of your female students actually want to fuck you, but it may explain why they are so eager to come and see you. Doest that distinction make sense? I could be Mackenzie Sowers, I swear. On the other hand, I like everything about your post except the use of the “daddy” word. I think you can find a mentor sexually attractive, as I think some of the women you mentor find you, and at the same time not want an actual sexual relationship. Sometimes you want to be mentored and nothing more, but you want to be mentored by someone hot. The fact that you’re reasonably goodlooking for a man your age, Hugo, probably makes you a more appealing mentor. That doesn’t mean most of your female students actually want to fuck you, but it may explain why they are so eager to come and see you. Doest that distinction make sense?

]]> By: Hugo Schwyzer http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-147875 Hugo Schwyzer Wed, 14 Nov 2007 05:00:43 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-147875 <em> finding the way to get into and surrounded by someones passion in a way I could control, was to direct their passion into a desire for my body.</em> Bingo, Mackenzie. Thanks for writing in. And yes, when you get to college, it will get easier to find people to talk to. Not as easy as you might like, but easier. That was my experience, it is the experience of many young people with whom I work, and I suspect it will be yours. finding the way to get into and surrounded by someones passion in a way I could control, was to direct their passion into a desire for my body.

Bingo, Mackenzie. Thanks for writing in.

And yes, when you get to college, it will get easier to find people to talk to. Not as easy as you might like, but easier. That was my experience, it is the experience of many young people with whom I work, and I suspect it will be yours.

]]> By: Mackenzie Sowers http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-147873 Mackenzie Sowers Wed, 14 Nov 2007 04:52:51 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-147873 really appreciate your insight on this issue- it resonates with me. I am a female highschool student. I recently wrote a short erotic story about a math teacher and a female student who corners and takes advantage of him, making the character of the teacher very weak, and the character of the girl very manipulitive. Yet the whole time I was writing it, I was aware of the dynamic- I wanted the passion. I want a mentor and that sort of interaction, a friend, a safe person to be exited about something, anything, with. There was a definate sexualization of my crushes for very passionate, enthused and excited teachers. I liked to this about how their passion in the classroom would translate into sex- I am a sucker for passion. However, its only the passion I want, not the sex. In any circumstance. Our society over sexualized evrything, and so I'm taught to use my body, right. And so I do, finding the way to get into and surrounded by someones passion in a way I could control, was to direct their passion into a desire for my body. I am almost as happy to just listen to anyone talk about anything they are passionate about, no matter the subject, the difference is that in sex, they passionate about something I care about and have a lot of investment in. Hopefully when I get to college, I will be able to find people who care about things I do, and we can listen to each other. And I feel like the way to solve most peoples problems is to give them something to be passionate about. It'd just be less dysfunctional. really appreciate your insight on this issue- it resonates with me. I am a female highschool student. I recently wrote a short erotic story about a math teacher and a female student who corners and takes advantage of him, making the character of the teacher very weak, and the character of the girl very manipulitive.

Yet the whole time I was writing it, I was aware of the dynamic- I wanted the passion.
I want a mentor and that sort of interaction, a friend, a safe person to be exited about something, anything, with.

There was a definate sexualization of my crushes for very passionate, enthused and excited teachers. I liked to this about how their passion in the classroom would translate into sex- I am a sucker for passion.

However, its only the passion I want, not the sex. In any circumstance. Our society over sexualized evrything, and so I’m taught to use my body, right. And so I do, finding the way to get into and surrounded by someones passion in a way I could control, was to direct their passion into a desire for my body.

I am almost as happy to just listen to anyone talk about anything they are passionate about, no matter the subject, the difference is that in sex, they passionate about something I care about and have a lot of investment in.

Hopefully when I get to college, I will be able to find people who care about things I do, and we can listen to each other.

And I feel like the way to solve most peoples problems is to give them something to be passionate about. It’d just be less dysfunctional.

]]> By: deb http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-80739 deb Fri, 13 Jul 2007 19:57:34 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-80739 human emotions are very confusing to work on period. are we low on eq now? okay i agree completely on what you're saying Hugo about we're externalizing what we really want to be, achieve on people whom we have crushes on but knowing and not to acting toward the crushes are 2 separate deals. I'm a firm believer that student-professor relationship just does not work out even though i have not engaged in one. When we come to school, we want to learn, be educated. Period. So what crushes do come just enjoy it (not physically though) and let it go. The crux here is being mature enough to not dwell on it. Flirting is fine w/ me but don't let it go further. That way we as students have both--fun/education. human emotions are very confusing to work on period. are we low on eq now? okay i agree completely on what you’re saying Hugo about we’re externalizing what we really want to be, achieve on people whom we have crushes on but knowing and not to acting toward the crushes are 2 separate deals. I’m a firm believer that student-professor relationship just does not work out even though i have not engaged in one. When we come to school, we want to learn, be educated. Period. So what crushes do come just enjoy it (not physically though) and let it go. The crux here is being mature enough to not dwell on it. Flirting is fine w/ me but don’t let it go further. That way we as students have both–fun/education.

]]> By: Francesca http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-72279 Francesca Mon, 25 Jun 2007 04:37:06 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-72279 I find the subject fascinating, mostly because I have spent so much time deconstructing the paradigms surrounding what I often come to feel as the absence of sense. Being a top student, ambitious, very respectful of the professors, but also very much aware of being «pretty», I often feel female-student attractiveness to be a fault in an academic setting, since, in my experience, even if I'm not flirting, I feel as if the others assume either I want to, or the male professor will sooner or later get to some form of it. Every body talks about student crushes, but some very respectable professors out there aren't discouraging these intelligent girls at all. I have developed the crush, like so many others, which is beyond my understanding. On my defense, he is gorgeous and genius, but also has a serious girlfriend, which I have met and quite enjoy actually. Here's the thing: she's not pretty at all. All the students are stunned, and I'm no exception. How superficial, I know. Anyhow, we (former professor and I) meet for theses lunches sometimes, just the both of us, and he always looks at me with such adoring eyes, that I feel uncomfortable (in the sense that I'm wondering if he's encouraging my own bedroom eyes locked on him). And so I ask, what is there to gain from these former professor-student relationship if sexual tension is involved? Should one person step away? I'm getting tired of the sexual ambiguity, yet I respect the professor in him. I find the subject fascinating, mostly because I have spent so much time deconstructing the paradigms surrounding what I often come to feel as the absence of sense. Being a top student, ambitious, very respectful of the professors, but also very much aware of being «pretty», I often feel female-student attractiveness to be a fault in an academic setting, since, in my experience, even if I’m not flirting, I feel as if the others assume either I want to, or the male professor will sooner or later get to some form of it. Every body talks about student crushes, but some very respectable professors out there aren’t discouraging these intelligent girls at all.
I have developed the crush, like so many others, which is beyond my understanding. On my defense, he is gorgeous and genius, but also has a serious girlfriend, which I have met and quite enjoy actually. Here’s the thing: she’s not pretty at all. All the students are stunned, and I’m no exception. How superficial, I know. Anyhow, we (former professor and I) meet for theses lunches sometimes, just the both of us, and he always looks at me with such adoring eyes, that I feel uncomfortable (in the sense that I’m wondering if he’s encouraging my own bedroom eyes locked on him). And so I ask, what is there to gain from these former professor-student relationship if sexual tension is involved? Should one person step away? I’m getting tired of the sexual ambiguity, yet I respect the professor in him.

]]> By: Anonymous http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70615 Anonymous Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:56:19 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70615 This is a bit off topic but I had a thought that related to what you wrote: "We live in a culture that insists on eroticizing our desire to be guided and cared for to such a degree that it is assumed that anyone who insists that his or her longing to be nurtured isn’t sexual at its core is, well, lying. As a result, we don’t have a way to let young people ask to be mentored, guided, even loved in a safe, non-sexual and yet intimate way." I formed a friendship with someone of the same sex and I've grown very fond of her and can for the first time say without any doubt that I love her although unfortunately I haven't been able to tell her (I have the inability to communicate my emotions)even though she's told me that she loves me. However I feel guilty because there are times that I feel I love her too much and that this love at its core may be sexual. After reading this entry I realized that maybe it's true that young people do have this feeling that everything has to be eroticized because althought I've never fantasized about her I feel that loving her too much must mean that it is linked to sexual desire. Or I could be wrong but reading this entry instantly reminded me of this. This is a bit off topic but I had a thought that related to what you wrote:

“We live in a culture that insists on eroticizing our desire to be guided and cared for to such a degree that it is assumed that anyone who insists that his or her longing to be nurtured isn’t sexual at its core is, well, lying. As a result, we don’t have a way to let young people ask to be mentored, guided, even loved in a safe, non-sexual and yet intimate way.”

I formed a friendship with someone of the same sex and I’ve grown very fond of her and can for the first time say without any doubt that I love her although unfortunately I haven’t been able to tell her (I have the inability to communicate my emotions)even though she’s told me that she loves me. However I feel guilty because there are times that I feel I love her too much and that this love at its core may be sexual. After reading this entry I realized that maybe it’s true that young people do have this feeling that everything has to be eroticized because althought I’ve never fantasized about her I feel that loving her too much must mean that it is linked to sexual desire. Or I could be wrong but reading this entry instantly reminded me of this.

]]> By: Amber http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70330 Amber Wed, 20 Jun 2007 01:30:34 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70330 Separate from the "men only want one thing" indoctrination, young women who lacked male nurturers can tend to default to sexuality as a way of relating to men, even if what they need is respect and affection. Wonderful post, albeit one that makes me cringe while remembering my burning crush on my college advisor. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself if the crush-object actually made a sexual advance, but somehow you never think that far ahead . . . . Separate from the “men only want one thing” indoctrination, young women who lacked male nurturers can tend to default to sexuality as a way of relating to men, even if what they need is respect and affection.

Wonderful post, albeit one that makes me cringe while remembering my burning crush on my college advisor. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if the crush-object actually made a sexual advance, but somehow you never think that far ahead . . . .

]]> By: Ji Hyang http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70322 Ji Hyang Wed, 20 Jun 2007 00:58:56 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70322 Great post. The discussion around mentoring could be fascinating-- as one area in which students' emotional/ social/ spiritual growth is taking place in the classroom and office hours. Great post.

The discussion around mentoring could be fascinating– as one area in which students’ emotional/ social/ spiritual growth is taking place in the classroom and office hours.

]]> By: Lynet http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70307 Lynet Wed, 20 Jun 2007 00:31:24 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/19/another-in-the-student-crushes-series-the-daddy-crush-and-the-need-for-a-mentor/#comment-70307 <blockquote>We live in a culture that insists on eroticizing our desire to be guided and cared for to such a degree that it is assumed that anyone who insists that his or her longing to be nurtured isn’t sexual at its core is, well, lying. </blockquote> Wow! That's really sharp -- and it applies to other situations besides this. It's very easy to lump sexual needs and emotional needs together without realising that the two are actually separate. I suspect I'm not the only one who occasionally thinks 'I need a lover' when a friendly hug would do (although I don't mean to deny the reality of genuine sexual needs in other situations).

We live in a culture that insists on eroticizing our desire to be guided and cared for to such a degree that it is assumed that anyone who insists that his or her longing to be nurtured isn’t sexual at its core is, well, lying.

Wow! That’s really sharp — and it applies to other situations besides this. It’s very easy to lump sexual needs and emotional needs together without realising that the two are actually separate. I suspect I’m not the only one who occasionally thinks ‘I need a lover’ when a friendly hug would do (although I don’t mean to deny the reality of genuine sexual needs in other situations).

]]>