Comments on: Jack and Jill again: a response to Father Figure about mentoring and attraction http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/ Sat, 11 Oct 2008 14:14:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 By: Alex http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/#comment-81755 Alex Sun, 15 Jul 2007 22:57:01 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/#comment-81755 I appreciate your point about men's responsibility to see women, particularly younger women, as complete human beings and to cultivate safe, mentoring relationships with them. I took from your posts that I deserve and should demand that kind of respect from the men in my life. This is a problem that troubles many people I know, and this is the first time I have seen this kind of dialogue on the subject. I think this is a beneficial and healing discussion to have - my hat's off to you. I appreciate your point about men’s responsibility to see women, particularly younger women, as complete human beings and to cultivate safe, mentoring relationships with them. I took from your posts that I deserve and should demand that kind of respect from the men in my life. This is a problem that troubles many people I know, and this is the first time I have seen this kind of dialogue on the subject. I think this is a beneficial and healing discussion to have - my hat’s off to you.

]]> By: sophonisba http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/#comment-74476 sophonisba Sat, 30 Jun 2007 06:01:18 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/#comment-74476 <i>Given that the young woman is an adult, his next best option — but not the best — is to be candid with her about his reasons for terminating their time together. He’ll have to be very emphatic that the responsibility is his and his alone, and that she did nothing wrong.</i> Just like the advice you gave "Debra," this seems to me really questionable advice insofar as it ignores the third person in the situation, the one who stands to be hurt the most: his wife. If he tells the girl this, that he can't see her anymore because he "fell for her," don't you think there's a really good chance it'll get back to his wife? If he hasn't told her -- and as long as he's stopped seeing this young woman and never had any intention of betraying his marriage, there's no reason to, unless he wants to hurt her (since "Hey, I could have cheated on you, but I'm so great I chose not to!" is very nearly more humiliating than actually being cheated on, even if a far less serious offense) the potential hurt to his wife outweighs the theoretical hurt to his mentee. Also, look at the timeframe here: she gave him attention for "a few months," while he's been torn up about it for "three years." Something tells me that no matter how hurt this young woman was at first, "Father Figure"'s been thinking about it a lot more than she has, and for a lot longer. If this was a person he'd known for years before abruptly abandoning, it would be different, but a few months? Given that the young woman is an adult, his next best option — but not the best — is to be candid with her about his reasons for terminating their time together. He’ll have to be very emphatic that the responsibility is his and his alone, and that she did nothing wrong.

Just like the advice you gave “Debra,” this seems to me really questionable advice insofar as it ignores the third person in the situation, the one who stands to be hurt the most: his wife. If he tells the girl this, that he can’t see her anymore because he “fell for her,” don’t you think there’s a really good chance it’ll get back to his wife? If he hasn’t told her — and as long as he’s stopped seeing this young woman and never had any intention of betraying his marriage, there’s no reason to, unless he wants to hurt her (since “Hey, I could have cheated on you, but I’m so great I chose not to!” is very nearly more humiliating than actually being cheated on, even if a far less serious offense) the potential hurt to his wife outweighs the theoretical hurt to his mentee.

Also, look at the timeframe here: she gave him attention for “a few months,” while he’s been torn up about it for “three years.” Something tells me that no matter how hurt this young woman was at first, “Father Figure”’s been thinking about it a lot more than she has, and for a lot longer. If this was a person he’d known for years before abruptly abandoning, it would be different, but a few months?

]]> By: Jendi http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/#comment-74321 Jendi Fri, 29 Jun 2007 23:08:10 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2007/06/28/jack-and-jill-again-a-response-to-father-figure-about-mentoring-and-attraction/#comment-74321 Thanks for this post, Hugo, you've helped me understand why my treasured mentor in high school may have broken off our relationship so awkwardly after I became an adult, and why he never confided in me as I did in him. Of course I may just be flattering myself - "men will love me and despair" is easier to handle than "I wasn't very likeable as a teenager" - but I think there are some similarities to your story. Like "Father Figure's" mentee, I had no dad, and so there was that Oedipal crush underlying my relationship with this (married) teacher instead. He's the person most responsible for my becoming a Christian, and sometimes I still wish we could share our walk in faith as closely as we shared our friendly arguments back when I was still a disciple of Ayn Rand. Ah, so hard to let go of how things "should" be and be grateful for what they WERE. Thanks for this post, Hugo, you’ve helped me understand why my treasured mentor in high school may have broken off our relationship so awkwardly after I became an adult, and why he never confided in me as I did in him. Of course I may just be flattering myself - “men will love me and despair” is easier to handle than “I wasn’t very likeable as a teenager” - but I think there are some similarities to your story. Like “Father Figure’s” mentee, I had no dad, and so there was that Oedipal crush underlying my relationship with this (married) teacher instead. He’s the person most responsible for my becoming a Christian, and sometimes I still wish we could share our walk in faith as closely as we shared our friendly arguments back when I was still a disciple of Ayn Rand. Ah, so hard to let go of how things “should” be and be grateful for what they WERE.

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