This morning in between classes, I slipped into the third floor faculty men’s room for a quick pit stop. We have just two old-fashioned urinals there, and one of my least favorite senior colleagues (I’ll call him “Manuel”) was stationed at one of them.
I’m not fond of this man; he and I have waged several ideological and pedagogical battles over the years. Nonetheless, I’m a cheery ENFP, and as I joined him to do my business, I said “Hey, my friend! What’s up?”
My colleague zipped himself, flushed the urinal, turned to me, and replied in a cool tone: “Why are you calling me your ‘friend’, Hugo?”
A bit stunned (and still busy with the task at — or in - hand) I slipped into the standard WASPy mode of cheerful, teasing, aggression: “Why, Manuel, are you saying we aren’t friends?” I threw in a wink.
Manuel made his way over to the sink to wash his hands, saying sharply as he did so, “I haven’t got time for your insincerity.”
As he headed out the door, I couldn’t resist an even-more exuberant, “You have a great day, buddy!”
Sigh. It’s true, I do address virtually every casual acquaintance as “buddy” or “my friend”. (My close male friends I call “my brother” or “brother man.”) I picked this habit twenty years ago, while spending two college summers working with the Public Works department in my hometown, hanging out with plumbers and carpenters and janitors. I suppose it does come across as frightfully insincere to some folks, and perhaps even aggressive to others.
And perhaps Manuel is right. I can come across to some folks as glibly insincere. And my standard response to hostility is to become even more polite and jovial (it’s violence, OKOP-style). I need to work on this.
UPDATE: Some folks have suggested that my use of the phrase “my brother” or “brother man” borrows from black culture. I picked up the former from all-white coworkers more than twenty years ago, and “brother man” has been in my vocabulary since I first read “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof” in high school — where it is used by whites to refer to an affluent white man.
Similarly, when we were kids my brother and I affectionately called each other “boo”. (My mother called me her “little boo” starting around 1967.) My brother and I started doing this in the 1970s, and were both stunned to find out, years later, that it was a standard African-American term for a lover! My brother is and always will be “my boo boy”; I will always be his. And we’re as white as can be and trust me, the use of “boo” in our family has damn all to do with cultural appropriation!
No you don’t. I’m sure that even if you don’t like ‘Manuel’ that on some level you do mean ‘friend’ in a broad sense. I know you well enough to know that you have a collective concern for all of humanity(and anamalia) and that you probably do feel warmth towards him in a broad ‘we’re all G-d’s children way’.
Is it possible that rather than being insincere you were making a serious gesture of actually treating this encounter with him as a fresh start? What would’ve been more sincere to him, turning his way and aiming at him?
Let yourself off the hook with this one.
What would’ve been more sincere to him, turning his way and aiming at him?
Oh, I thought about it! Really!
Actually, I am with Manuel. Not that I think you should beat yourself up on this, but I don’t like people claiming friendship and being buddy buddy who I am not buddy buddy with.
Now, just using the word “friend” wouldn’t set me off. But if I have clashed a lot with someone and I know they don’t like me, then being greeted like that would probably tick me off.
I think that this guy just doesn’t like you. Though I don’t know him (and only know you through reading this blog), and can only go by the description of the incident, I get the sense that all he really wanted to communicate was ‘get the hell out of my face.’
So I don’t think he’s really accusing you of insincerity in any meaningful sense. He could have easily said ‘go to hell’ or ’shut up and leave me alone’ or ‘your tie is ugly and I hate your haircut’ and meant exactly the same thing. That is- the words are just a means to conveying his nasty feelings.
But I don’t know the guy, so just my $0.02 in passing.
Don’t sweat it, and don’t give the guy too much credit either. I sort of agree with LC in the sense that I don’t try to be “buddy buddy” with people I don’t like or don’t like me, but I ain’t on Manual’s side. Like, if I tutor someone and they’ve been a jerk to me in the past, I pan them off to someone else (usually a faculty tutor because they are usually treated with more respect, and have more authority). I don’t care to win them over. But that’s just me.
I think it’s passive-aggressive to call people “friend” when they clearly aren’t. It’s just unnecessarily calling attention to the problem. Also, it makes me very uncomfortable when affluent white people self-consciously adopt “brother”-type language. To me, it comes across as utterly clueless and insensitive.
When I started reading this one I was afraid it was headed in some sort of bizarre, disturbing, Larry Craig direction.
Really, if you were actively trying to get under his skin, so be it. I’ve done similar things. When I worked at a video store there were some punk kids that we knew were shoplifting. Their M.O. was to have one of them go up to the front desk and ask for obscure movies they knew we didn’t have. While the staff was busy searching the computer, the others would be back in the racks with a knife, cutting open the DVD boxes and stealing the discs within (they didn’t try to take the box itself because it had electromagnetic tape that would set off the alarm). I’m a fairly big guy, I was one of the oldest employees (this was a second job I worked just a few years ago) and my boss knew I was neither particularly shy nor timid. So he asked me to follow the kids around. I gave them not a moment’s peace, always with a big smile on my face, continually asking if I could help them find something. Finally, realizing that they weren’t going to get the privacy necessary to lift the merchandise, the “bag team” left in a huff. “Do you treat all your customers this way!?” one of them snarled on the way out of the door. “Just the special ones, Ma’am. Have a great evening!” I cheerfully shot back. If she could’ve fired death rays from her eyes at that moment she would’ve.
On the other hand, if you’re genuinely trying to be friendly, not the way I would’ve handled it. Calling everybody in the world a friend dilutes relationships with the people who truly are.
It sounds like he rose to what he assumed was your bait, and you rose to his; that seems like a perfectly ordinary conflict escalation to me.
I don’t see your calling him “friend” as being the focal point of the conflict, though. It depends on his tone of voice and other body language, but the “Why are you calling me your ‘friend’” line in particular sounds like it probably meant something in the range between “There’s no possible valid reason for you to call us ‘friends’, and you’re stupid and/or dishonest for trying” and “I’m not comfortable using that word to describe our relationship–please think of us as colleagues or coworkers instead.”
From there, continuing with the friend framing is the most obvious way to persist in what he would likely perceive as hostilities. Something along the lines of “You’re right, I apologize–I call everyone ‘friend,’ and I won’t do it again if it bothers you.” might have cooled things off (if tone of voice and body language matched the message), if that was what you were interested in doing–though again, his body language may have indicated that any further conversation was unwelcome. It’s hard to say with just a written account to go by.
Not that it’s any of my business, of course…
I have never been a fan of people who call everyone they encounter “my friend” or “pal.” It strikes me as insincere. I save the term friend for people who actually are. I am even more perplexed by white people who call others “brother” and use other black lingo. As a white guy I find it totally embarrassing. That being said, life is too short to waste time to address petty issues like that. But the next time I hear a 40 year-old white guy tell me “that’s how I roll,” I may have some words for him.
I don’t call my friends “brother”, I say “my brother”, and I don’t affect to be anything other than what I am — I picked it up from an all-white group of Public Works employees. “Brother man” is famously used to refer to white, rich Gooper in Williams’ “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”.
“I save the term friend for people who actually are.”
I agree, Jonathan. If you look up the definition of the word friend, it says:
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
That being said, I probably only have four or five genuine, non-family friends. I use the term sparingly, too. Manual doesn’t seem like he was ever a friend to Hugo.
If placed within a context where I HAVE to acknowledge someone I don’t like, or someone who does not like me, or both, a neutral “hi” would suffice. It’s better than flat-out ignoring the person. There are certain people in my life that I have to be friendly to whether I like them or not, like my co-workers, family, future in-laws or tutorees. I feel no need to be extra nice to people I don’t stand and/or I have no obligation to — I just need to be polite and civil.
Social niceties are social niceties. Our culture runs on minor incincerities. If we were all truthful, we would not have ANY friends.
How could you even attempt to establish a friendship with Manuel with his attitude as it is? And to call you on your on your “incincerity” would cause Miss Manners to have the vapors.
Actually, it sounds as if Manuel was having a bad day. Or is he always so unpleasant?
I don’t think it matters where you picked up the term “brother.” It still sounds pretentious and offensive to me. And if you’re going to use it without explaining the background, I think many people will assume you’re appropriating and be put off.
Hugo, I assumed the “brother” came from your union membership; in my local, we frequently call ourselves “brother” and “sister”, and are always formally addressed that way at union meetings and in the minutes of those meetings. I figured that guy was a fellow union member, so that’s why you addressed him as such.
I’d cut Manuel more slack than some people commenting here. I think part of the problem may be not your choice of words but your choice of venue — some of us really prefer to “do our business” in silence, and resent people who try to strike up a conversation (particularly meaningless small talk) at the urinal.
In Hugo’s defense, he has the right to refer to male friends and acquaintances as “my brother,” “brother man,” or even “brother” (yes, I know he doesn’t use the last term unmodified). I am not willing to recognize any cultural group’s monopoly over words or expressions in English. Nor would I presume to call anyone insincere or “appropriating” because he happens to use these words. So much depends on the context, and I agree with “z” in that respect.
Just yesterday, a good male friend referred to me as “brother” and even added, “I love you, man.” It was genuine, sincere, and touching. My friend wasn’t trying to be someone he is not. He was merely expressing affection.
On the other hand, people are brought up in different families in different ways. Although I am of European ancestry, I am not a WASP, so I don’t know WASP codes of conduct, except to the limited extent that I have been able to infer bits and pieces of those codes from interacting with a variety of people. What is familar and comfortable to me might seem very strange and uncomfortable to Hugo or any other person who did not grow up in the same kind of environment. In my opinion, the diversity and variety are enriching if we allow them to be. Really, who is to say what is right in these situations? I don’t think there is any one-size-fits-all answer.
I can appreciate the difficulty of interacting with work colleagues who seem disagreeable to us. Such interactions can be uncomfortable and unpleasant. At my office, there are two guys I dislike, and they don’t have much use for me. I am willing to take responsibility for my faults in creating a disagreeable situation. Despite a lot of effort, though, I have not yet found a way to fix it. Nevertheless, when I encounter either of these guys, I’ll greet them by their first names. I’ll say something like, “Good morning, Matt,” or “Have a good weekend, Tim.” That’s despite the fact that I would probably very eagerly put the gloves on to settle our differences with either of them. No doubt, Matt and Tim would probably love to have a chance to pound on me as well!
My greetings to those two men are civil, but not overly friendly. I don’t offer a lot of words, I don’t pretend to be friends with them, and I don’t try to appear interested in many details of their lives because I really am not. I give them a very basic respect as human beings but, honestly, that’s as far as it goes. I’m not terribly happy about that, but I don’t lose sleep over it.
That works for me. I would feel very odd greeting those guys with a display of friendliness like Hugo described. That would not fit me well. Yet, I can see how it could work for Hugo since he is conforming his conduct to a somewhat different approach to dealing with people.
Is Hugo wrong? No, that is his way of communicating. Am I wrong? I don’t think so. We simply have different ways of interacting. I think we can learn a lot from discussing the diversity of communications styles–and being more tolerant of others whose practices differ from our own.
Thank you, Gary, amen. Brother.
Oh, and Hugo: I know you’re censoring my posts (you done so for half a dozen now), by you need to hear this nonetheless: There’s absolutely *nothing* “WASPY* about hitting on other men in the bathroom. In fact, WASP men are profoundly respectful and thus avoid invading other people’s spaces. You seem to be confusing lefty California “not-quite-’out’” whiteboy behavior with WASP men, and I’m here to tell you, it ain’t so. Most of us aren’t nearly as confused about our sexuality as you are.
Yeah, that’s it Mr. Bad, I was hitting on my sixty-something colleague. Just call me Senator Craig.
Remember, folks, Men’s Rights Advocates invariably accuse feminist men of
1. being gay
2. being filled with self-loathing
3. using feminism as a pretense to score with women.
If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get accused of all three simultaneously!
;-)
I think initiating coversation while someone is at a urinal is just kind of rude (unless you’re at a bar or sports game). I know not everyone adheres to the same rules of “urinal ettiquette” but I’ve always found it to be kind of annoying. Maybe that’s what set him off?
I’ve heard him chat at the urinal with others, labyrus.
I’m a great urinal talker myself. Utterly shameless.
“A bit stunned (and still busy with the task at — or in - hand) I slipped into the standard WASPy mode of cheerful, teasing, aggression: “Why, Manuel, are you saying we aren’t friends?” I threw in a wink”
Hugo,
Sometimes winking can be considered patronizing or rude. Remember it’s body language and got to ask youself what message did you want to convey to Manuel when you winked.
Being “polite” you were not.
Where I come from, you were being antagonistic with your faux friendliness.
You obviously would not have pulled the same kind of behavior if you were not in your comfy tenured-PCC environment. This is an embarassing post and paints you in a snooty, “my shit don’t smell” kind of light…