If you’re really so progressive about gender roles, then why are you expecting the woman to rearrange her life for the man, instead of expecting the man to be patient?

He could be. Or he could be a guy who has, in his limited dating experience, been trying to date extremely busy women.

Nobody likes to feel like they’re being fit in as an afterthought. That doesn’t make Dave an asshole. The question is why he assumes all women are this busy and, if they are, why they are this busy.

I can’t imagine trying to find time to get to know a brand new person in the middle of all this. I didn’t get the impression that Dave was expecting these ladies to be desperate, it sounded to me like he was disappointed that they didn’t have time for traditional dating. That alone doesn’t make him a jerk, to me. I’m disappointed that I don’t have time, too.

So, recognizing that I’m coming from a different place than most commenters here, I still don’t think there’s enough information provided to condemn Dave. He doesn’t mention what he’s dropping, but for all we know he doesn’t have anything going on to drop. He didn’t mention what he’s asking them to drop either, so the conclusion that he wants them to “drop everything” at his beck and call seems like quite a leap of logic in itself.

My suspicion is that he’s a bit clueless, and doesn’t realize how much work these women are doing. Maybe he never learned to look for things to do before his ex-wife mentioned them; maybe he doesn’t know how much easier he could make romance for these women by, like Older’s friend, going along on something they’re doing already. But clueless to me doesn’t equal “entitled asshole” or “controlling or possessive partner”. It just means clueless. Noone is born knowing everything, but (thank G-d!) people can learn.

What’s he dropping? He doesn’t mention anything. Consequently, no one’s asking him to “contort his life” — they’re just asking him to be patient.

I find your leap in logic to be revealing about our cultural predispositions about gender time differentials.

I’ve seen a lot of my (introverted, geeky, sweet, unassuming) male friends have similar problems because they’re just too ’sweet’ to ask for what’s important to them. They’re willing to settle for a girl who’ll only want to spend time with them when she’s got nothing else to do. That’s no way to have a real friendship, much the less a relationship.

Apparently a lot of people think it’s “entitled” to ask that your friends and potential dates make time for you. I think, if everything else in their lives is more important than time with you, you’re not really friends, and there is no potential relationship. Sometimes it’s not that the laundry is more important, just a mistaken feeling that the man won’t care if she’s doing the laundry during their romantic dinner; but if he asks and she still won’t make time for a proper date, it’s a sign that she’s not really interested unless he’s willing to contort his life into pretzels to fit into whatever time she has left over.

anyways, glad you’re back. i’m sort of on the fence about dave here, on one hand i don’t think what he was talking about entitlement and on the other, i think he’s just not very understanding.

and hugo, you’re totally right about women losing themselves in relationships. i’ve been there. i’m not sure why it happens. i think it’s a sort of addiction. when you’re with them, everything’s cool. but spend more than a day away and you start suffering from withdrawal. i had a long recovery after my “disappearance.” there’s smoking addiction, alcohol, even sex. so it makes sense that a relationship can be an addiction, and people who have been through do either one of two things: never let it happen again, or do it over and over.

“But it’s also quite possible that they’re waiting to find out if you can be appreciative of the reality that they have a world that is separate…”

i think that’s the best advice dave can walk away with.