I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I really just wish I could give you a hug. I’m so sorry you’ve had such traumatizing experiences and it makes complete sense why you feel the way you do. I know it is probably useless to say, given how strongly your negative experience has affected you, but I do beg you to consider that one person (or a few people) is not representative of a whole (large!) community.

Especially with a topic so twisted by media and so difficult to explain, there are those who will use it as a name (a defense) for what they do wrongfully.

Again, I apologize on behalf of those who practice safe, sane, consensual BDSM practices, that our name was perverted to harm you.

Right Darla. All those pedos, rapists, assualters, animal screwers–leave that nice orgasm alone!

Please don’t take over the world anytime soon.

*rolls eyes*

Never would have believed it of myself a few years back, but my fantasies have always been about being dominated. I suppose it could be considered somehow patriarchal in nature, but it is not an oppressive thing for me. If it were I would walk away from it in an instant. It is freeing in a way I could never have imagined it would be. And it doesn’t leave me feeling disempowered in the least, but rather God meets us there in the midst of it all. It feels sacred. My submission is born of love and when I give that willingly to someone who respects and sees it for what it is, then transformation happens, and I step into a new kind of power in my life.

That said, there are plenty of dominant men out there that I would never offer my submission to. Their need for power, their greed for control are terrifying. I can recognize the difference. Yes, the man who is my dom at present has some control issues…so do I. But there is also a feeling of respect and there is love. So we can channel those control issues into a kind of play that releases something for each of us. It is a great catharthis.

Wrong/Right is a kind of dualism that feminism really tries to avoid at its core. We are individuals. Each of responds differently to certain stimulations. Our bodies are uniquely our own. I spent many years as a feminist trying to stuff these desires back down. But I’ve had enough of that. I think in the play there is something that happens which turns patriarchy on it’s head. It is just the opposite of what one would expect. Paradox. I love paradox. Life is full of it, and I want to embrace it fully, joyfully.

I’m not sure if I believe that the implicit assumption of consent isn’t reasonable (i.e. absence of “no” often means “yes”), but it does lead to an often derided suggestion: before any sex, consent must be obtained. (This would probably lower incidences of date rape where there does seem to have been real misinterpretation of consent.) I think of this as I think of the suggestion that I wrap myself and/or my partner in latex before engaging in ANY sexual activity: impractical, awkward but really, the best, safest practice.

BDSM is ALL about consent. It’s all about communication. It’s all about trust, honesty, clarity (and, actually, sobriety — no one suggests engaging in BDSM play while drunk or high). It is literally asking for permission for every act, which necessitates extremely explicit description of what it is you want to do. You are given a choice, and you have to clearly make a choice. Done right, it is the most empowering sexual experience many of us will ever have. Maybe choosing to be dominated is the “wrong” choice for a feminist — I personally do not believe that! — but in regular sex, no one ever so clearly acknowledges that my body is my property, and mine alone, and only I can say what can be done to it. Isn’t that a feminist ideal? Strange that it should often be found amongst whips and chains, but not always — in fact, rarely, in explicit terms — in gentle, “respectful” caresses that just sort of happen.

Okay, I took way too much space just saying, “dude, I think BDSM is totally compatible with feminism”. :)

Something I’m curious about is whether, if we succeeded in eradicating (or mostly eradicating) patriarchy, there would still be bdsm? Would it disappear because these themes of violence, control, and authority would no longer infest people’s childhoods, when their sexuality is forming? Or would it simply become easier to practice “cleanly”? (I certainly think it’s possible to do consensual bdsm in a way that it almost certainly wasn’t 200 years ago. This is a good thing.)

I know I’d feel a lot better about what I do if there weren’t real torture, etc., in the world. In the meantime, I’m going to be like the feminists who dress up in a feminine way - acknowledge that there are good points to be made against it, but choose (as best I am able, and realizing that choices themselves are culturally constrained) what brings me the most pleasure.