For my last post before Christmas (I’ll return to blogging December 26 or 27), a little anecdote:
Students say the darndest things.
A woman came into my office last week to talk about her final. After we’d finished talking about her strategy for the exam, she said: “I hope you won’t mind my saying so, but I notice you have a lot of wrinkles for your age. My Dad’s a cosmetic surgeon, and he does great work, and we can get you a really good package. Your wife will love the change, though I’m sure she already loves how you look!”
Now, mind you, this was the second time this year someone had randomly suggested plastic surgery to me. But from a student in my office hours, it was a bit stunning. I thanked her politely, and told her that I loved each and every one of the well-earned, well-deserved lines that cross my face. She smiled and said, “Well, talk to your wife about it!” I assured her I would do so.
I suppose the little dear meant well. And I’ll admit, it stung a bit. I’ve had a couple of moments recently where I’ve looked in the mirror and been taken aback — just for a moment — by how old I look. But that’s more a reaction of surprise than of dejection; it’s akin to being surprised that Christmas is upon us once again, and that it seems to come faster each year.
But barring — God forbid — some sort of horrific disfiguring accident, I’m not going to have any sort of work done to improve my appearance. I have no desire to appear one day younger than my forty years. But of course, I’m a man. Even here, in deliciously vapid Los Angeles, I know that my success as a teacher, mentor, blogger or public speaker has little to do with my perceived youth or looks. I understand that the pressures are much greater upon women, and so I am careful not to condemn those who do choose cosmetic surgery. What I don’t do is give any credibility to the suggestion that the decision to go under the knife is inherently feminist, but that’s a different discussion.
I notice that just this autumn, I’ve picked up some more wrinkles on my forehead and around the eyes. They make me look just a bit more like my father, and that makes me very happy indeed.
A happy holiday to all.
UPDATE: the wonderful Jenell Paris — fellow academic, and with me, one of the founders of the North American Evangelical Gender Studies Association, offers this suggested grading scale. Suggesting plastic surgery is definitely a minus on the Paris Plan.
I find what you heard sad! I can only imagine the pressure and “putdown” that most women would feel if told the same thing as well as many men. I find comments like one’s fly being open or there being a stain or mess on one’s clothes or face entirely appropriate, but:
I find it sad when we can’t learn to accept things like wrinkles, color changes in our hair, yet alone being “too thin” or particularly for women “too fat” - or too this or that.
Being offered options - like my partner did with me in our early days - of she buying me clothes - so that She would like my appearance - fine. Other things are less subtle or biting.
I’m 56 - and when people say that I look younger, I see it as a desire to be positive, but really I am 56 - and my heart and soul - are important as are my physical and emotional health. Now I’m stung by the horrific flooding we had December 3rd - and healing and growing from that are important.
Your young friend - if she births children someday - may have side effects on her body as well as many other changes she may face. I hope that she will see her own beauty as being from within - not the surface appearances. Thanks!
That is flat-out RUDE! It reminds me how people sometimes approach me and say, “Have you considered [trying x treatment] to get rid of your acne?” A number of the students I have tutored have said things like that to me, and it really, really hurts. Nevermind that I’ve spent at least $10,000 since I was 12 trying to get rid of my acne (for facials, treatments, prescription gels, determetologist appointments, etc). People like this always “mean well,” but it’s never because they want to help. Many of them just want to make a buck and sell their treatment (as in the case with your student) or they’re just rude. I just want to scream at these people, ” SHUT THE FUCK UP and mind their own business.” (One of the few times I really want to cuss in public). Sorry. This is a sore spot for me, as you can tell. I know how you feel, and it hurts.
Someone actually SAID that? Geesh.
I like wrinkles. Wrinkles tell you if someone smiles or frowns a lot. My husband has a lot of wrinkles, but they always show up when he smiles. I think that’s a good thing.
I still can’t get over these people who think they have a right to criticize or comment on other people’s bodies. Some of my relatives are learining not to do that. Reason save me from mean-wells! –You might find a way to work a lesson on this into your classes? But some folks just won’t get it until you or some other victim up and tell them you don’t need to hear that, in no uncertain terms.
A good part of the psychosomatic problems I have had is due to a lifetime of many people finding abnormalities and flaws in my body, and precious few strong points to balance them out. Realizing that some of these flaws were totally bogus has not helped my trust of the parties who invented them. This is a terrible thing to do to a child, and adults don’t need it either. Now, when I hear ads for cosmetic surgery, urging us to have this or that cut that I never even heard of before, and implying this is necessary for success in the world, I get a bit uneasy. Wonder if I will have to do that, and then decide I’d rather die than sell out any farther than I already have. But so many people seem to act like this oppressive system is invincible and they are helpless, even while they decry its wrongness, and that just doesn’t sound right. Rosa Parks didn’t win her battle by bleaching her skin white, and I never heard of anyone else winning by giving up.
Wear those wrinkles with pride, Hugo, and Mermade, you have my permission to tell your, uh, proteges off but good. You can point out that they are there to learn, not to insult you, and you are there to teach, not to hear sales pitches.
Oh, and Merry Christmas…
i happen to like your wrinkles. i’m glad you’re keeping them.
i would suggest to such idiots (as those two individuals) that they enroll at the emily post institute and and learn a thing or two about etiquette and good manners.
http://www.emilypost.com/
I’m glad you like the wrinkles, Sneha, and I’m all for teaching more folks some basic etiquette. I do realize that I can laugh this off — but it made me think about how often, say, overweight people are given “well-meaning” (and deeply cruel) diet tips and the like.
Everyone should go out and pick up everything Miss Manners ever wrote. Just sayin’.
A song I once knew had a line that said “wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.” I always liked that line.
Everyone should go out and pick up everything Miss Manners ever wrote.
I completely agree! I read my mom’s copy of Good Housekeeping just for her columns. :-)
Not to take away from the rudeness of the student, but could you imagine being a young woman growing up with a father who is a plastic surgeon? And in SoCal? That’s almost a guarantee to end up with body issues.
I love watching my face grow older. I’ve even stopped Henna’ing my hair, and am loving my encroaching greyness. Age=experience=wisdom, and I’m all about that.
The distinction with what’s said to overweight people is that it’s quite possible that the overweight person is damaging their health by remaining as overweight as the are… so people who genuinely care might be lead to say something. That doesn’t mean it’ll be any less insensitive, but it does mean that there’s a plausible compassionate rationale for trying to ‘help’ someone lose weight. There’s no situation in which the same can be said for suggesting that someone submits their face to the risks of cosmetic surgery in the name of looking ‘younger’.
FWIW, we probably look about the same age, Hugo, despite me being 5 years younger than you - and I’m more than happy with that. :o)
Sx
That’s great. You took a negative experience and learned and grew from it to empathize with other people. That’s great.
I wish we had better ways of dealing with those kinds of insults. I think you responded politely, but it didn’t get the message across that her suggestion was inappropriate, rude, and possibly hurtful.
Heh.
I got carded until into my thirties, and at my 25th reunion I was accused of having plastic surgery. And I still fit into my basketball uniform.
And my blood pressure, at approaching 50, is 110/72 as of my checkup last week.
Yes. I am gloating.
I’d like to credit it to clean living. But that would be a lie.
I didn’t use to be “older,” but I had gray hair from an early age. I used to tell people who commented that it was adult plumage and some day they would have it too. When they were all grown up, like me.
You may be younger than me, Gonz, in terms of your health. I am 20 years old and high blood pressure: a couple months ago, the doctor noticed that it was 140/90. I am scared that it will get higher as I age…
I think the only thing I really do different is that I stay active.
And while I belong to a gym, that is not what I mean. I’m competing in my medieval combat re-enactment, hiking, hunting, working my -Farm? (I dunno what you’d call it. More of a homestead) running my business, and not from behind a desk.
This is why, I think, even though I don’t “eat right” and do a lot of hell-raising, that I have my Cholesterol and triglycerides low too.
I tell ya. City living is the real killer.
Oh Hugo, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had an unpleasant encounter with an insensitive, mindless dolt! It is not surprising given the vastness of their numbers! What did surprise me though was that men are on the receiving end of such shallow commentaries about their looks. I guess I tended to feel that most ugly and unsolicited comments about physical attractiveness were targeted exclusively towards women. It certainly has felt that way. And don’t get me started on “weight issues”. Anyway, I don’t think her mental lapse and desent into rude behavior and offering unsolicited criticisms stemmed from her good intentions. No, I think she’s an arrogant, thoughtless busybody who was drumming up business for daddy. I’ve been on the receiving end of plenty of offensive commentaries about my physical looks. I agree with Mermade’s sentiments and also those of Angiportus, however it is doubtful that those in dire need of Emily Post and Miss Manners basic etiquette advice would bother to read them let alone heed their advice–such is the way of the truly mindless. And just like Angiportus, I’ve also been on the receiving end of countless utterances from “people finding abnormalities and flaws in my body, and precious few strong points to balance them out”. The truly mindless are good at inventing flaws and consumerism is built upon manipulating insecurities. I guess I’ve learned to write them off, although I will say that I think few people are immune to insults aimed at their physical attributes. However, I’m no longer quiet about people’s unsolicited comments and confront them on their mindlessness.
//City living is the real killer.//
I don’t know about that, I’ve never been in as good of shape as I have been since I moved to the city. I walk everywhere. It’s the ‘burbs that are killer — all that driving! When I lived in the suburbs, I never left my car! Now I’ve eschewed the car, and I usually walk a couple of miles a day in the winter, much more when it’s warmer.
“I tell ya. City living is the real killer.”
Being inactive is the real killer. I live in a city too and made a choice to walk as much as I can. I have more weight on me than I used too, but I’m in much better shape shape, both physically and spiritually. I think it more attitude, because that is what motivates one to get out and be or get active. Walking is also a healthy choice for me both physically and mentally and a good choice for the environment. I too walk more when it’s warmer, but I must say that I enjoy getting bundled up and walking at the park during winter. Winter offers a quieter and more serene beauty–the trees, light, snow and angle of the sun. I have a favorite place where I go to observe the geese and ducks and it is a treat to watch them take off flying in formation or come in for a landing on the lake. When one walks, one is more observant of their surroundings and it gives me more of a sense of being part of the community. I’ll always miss where I lived in California–the rural areas and the sea, but I’ve grown to appreciate all the beauty I see where I live now and it’s not hard to find it, if one stops to find it.
[SNORT] Is it possible that her father’s practice isn’t doing so well and that she was just trying to drum up some business? You know….the old “go-into-a-Professor’s-office-ostensibly-to-talk-about-the-final-but-then-tell-him-he-should-look-into-plastic-surgery” ploy? Well, Hugo, I’m glad to see you didn’t fall for that old chestnut. Seriously, though, I included a typed snort at the beginning of this reply because I actually snorted when I read your post. It’s pretty mind-blowing that someone said that to you. Bleah…
Anyway, the sad thing about that girl is that plastic surgery can only do so much and by the time she hits 40, she’ll by striving in vain, trying to compete with women in their 20s. When such a large part of her identity is about appearing young and beautiful, what will she do? She’ll feel like the worthwhile portion of her life is over by the time she hits 40… That’s a pretty short lifespan. We all have a choice. Age can be our enemy or our companion…see the excerpt from the poem below….
“Once there was a lovely virgin
called Snow White.
Say she was thirteen.
Her stepmother,
a beauty in her own right,
though eaten, of course, by age,
would hear of no beauty surpassing her own.
Beauty is a simple passion,
but, oh my friends, in the end
you will dance the fire dance in iron shoes.
The stepmother had a mirror to which she referred–
something like the weather forecast–
a mirror that proclaimed
the one beauty of the land.
She would ask,
Looking glass upon the wall,
who is fairest of us all?
And the mirror would reply,
You are the fairest of us all.
Pride pumped in her like poison.”
Excerpt from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” by Anne Sexton
All right, back to the salt mines (and by that, I mean Civl Pleading and Procedure)
Nina