Comments on: Lifting the cloud of self-involvement: on Lent 2008 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:36:36 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 By: Karen http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-233365 Karen Sun, 17 Feb 2008 16:38:49 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-233365 Hugo writes "But as I read my book, it struck me that one of my most glaring character defects is that I really don’t “see” the people around me as well as I should." And "What I realize is that all too often, my own self-absorption keeps me from really connecting with most people as they really are." Self-absorption is what I think keeps most people from connecting to others around them. It makes for strained and very unhappy relationships. I believe it's one of the single most important contributing reasons as to why relationships fail. Some people are just so good at mirroring the emotions of others and creating the illusion of emotional presence that they are really never forced to connect. It keeps them locked into damaging patterns and behaviors with others. Most narcissists are highly skilled observers of others. That observation intensity alone creates a problem of deception for the potential partner because the observation feels like an intense connection. The nonnarcissist then begins to huild on what they believe is a heightened level of interest on the part of the narcissist, creating goals and plans around the misinterpretation. I've met so many people like this--men and women. They go through life completely oblivious--lacking recognition and insight of their impact on others. Overcoming narcissism and self-absorption is a worthy endeavor..Good post Hugo. Hugo writes

“But as I read my book, it struck me that one of my most glaring character defects is that I really don’t “see” the people around me as well as I should.” And “What I realize is that all too often, my own self-absorption keeps me from really connecting with most people as they really are.”

Self-absorption is what I think keeps most people from connecting to others around them. It makes for strained and very unhappy relationships. I believe it’s one of the single most important contributing reasons as to why relationships fail. Some people are just so good at mirroring the emotions of others and creating the illusion of emotional presence that they are really never forced to connect. It keeps them locked into damaging patterns and behaviors with others. Most narcissists are highly skilled observers of others. That observation intensity alone creates a problem of deception for the potential partner because the observation feels like an intense connection. The nonnarcissist then begins to huild on what they believe is a heightened level of interest on the part of the narcissist, creating goals and plans around the misinterpretation. I’ve met so many people like this–men and women. They go through life completely oblivious–lacking recognition and insight of their impact on others. Overcoming narcissism and self-absorption is a worthy endeavor..Good post Hugo.

]]> By: Jessi http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-229137 Jessi Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:41:45 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-229137 Hm. I just realized that the last question I asked was a self-absorbed attempt at cute humor. I take it back. I'll just go do it! Hm. I just realized that the last question I asked was a self-absorbed attempt at cute humor. I take it back. I’ll just go do it!

]]> By: Jessi http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-229132 Jessi Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:36:18 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-229132 I've made a few conscious attempts at this, even deciding to visit a cafe for an hour or two with the goal of simply paying attention to people. Not only was it a very interesting hour, the "afterglow" was powerful. For the entire week, people - whether friends or passers-by - appeared to me as incredibly fascinating creatures that I longed to connect with. You know what? I think human beings actually *are* incredibly fascinating creatures, and we're made/evolved/designed (your choice) to connect with each other. Go get'em, Hugo! Um, may I say I'm doing this for Lent too, even if I'm not a Christian? I’ve made a few conscious attempts at this, even deciding to visit a cafe for an hour or two with the goal of simply paying attention to people. Not only was it a very interesting hour, the “afterglow” was powerful. For the entire week, people - whether friends or passers-by - appeared to me as incredibly fascinating creatures that I longed to connect with.

You know what? I think human beings actually *are* incredibly fascinating creatures, and we’re made/evolved/designed (your choice) to connect with each other. Go get’em, Hugo!

Um, may I say I’m doing this for Lent too, even if I’m not a Christian?

]]> By: Hugo Schwyzer http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-228965 Hugo Schwyzer Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:10:05 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-228965 Oh, I read it years ago -- it's a fine (and blessedly short) little book. A student originally gave it to me for Christmas. I'm glad it worked for you as well. Oh, I read it years ago — it’s a fine (and blessedly short) little book. A student originally gave it to me for Christmas. I’m glad it worked for you as well.

]]> By: Mermade http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-228961 Mermade Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:02:37 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/02/13/lifting-the-cloud-of-self-involvement-on-lent-2008/#comment-228961 I think this is a wonderful Lenten goal. One book you might consider reading, if you haven't already, is the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I am so glad that I read it right before I went through a break-up, because it taught me some valuable lessons about the danger of making assumptions, offering unwanted advice, spreading gossip, and not taking things personally. It's a quick read; you should finish it within two hours or less, but I swear, the lessons I learned in it will last me a lifetime. I think this is a wonderful Lenten goal. One book you might consider reading, if you haven’t already, is the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I am so glad that I read it right before I went through a break-up, because it taught me some valuable lessons about the danger of making assumptions, offering unwanted advice, spreading gossip, and not taking things personally. It’s a quick read; you should finish it within two hours or less, but I swear, the lessons I learned in it will last me a lifetime.

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