Hugo Schwyzer

Reader “English Rosebud” sent me a link this weekend to this story that ran in the New York Times on Friday: Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter. As she mentions in her email, it’s a powerful corrective to the widespread notion that teenage boys have just one thing on their mind.

The stereotype of the 16-year-old boy is that he has sex on the brain. But a fascinating new report suggests that boys are motivated more by love and a desire to form real relationships with the girls they date.

Based on a study that appears in this month’s Journal of Adolescence, the researchers (from SUNY Oswego) concluded:

Among the boys who had been sexually active, physical desire and wanting to know what sex feels like were among the top three reasons they pursued sex. However, the boys were equally likely to say they pursued sex because they loved their partner. Interestingly, only 14 percent said they sought sex because they wanted to lose their virginity, and 9 percent did so to fit in with friends.

The researchers note that there is no way to assess the truthfulness of the boys’ answers, but the rate of sexual activity in the sample is consistent with national trends, suggesting the boys were answering honestly. The survey group was ethnically and economically diverse, and 95 indicated they were heterosexual, while 10 boys didn’t answer the question.

Bold emphasis mine.

The overall findings are contrary to cultural beliefs that boys are interested primarily in sex and not relationships.

“Let’s give boys more credit,’’ said study author Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at the university. “Although some of them are just looking for sex, most boys are looking for a relationship. The kids we know mostly aren’t like this horrible stereotype. They are generally interested in dating and getting to know their partners.’’

(I wish Professor Smiler hadn’t used the phrase “horrible stereotype”. I wince at the implication that wanting sex for pleasure is “horrible”. After all, both men and women do sometimes pursue sex outside of the context of an enduring relationship. While dishonesty and manipulation are indeed “horrible”, the pursuit of pleasure for its own sake need not be accompanied by deceit or abuse. It’s “slut-shaming” at its most tiresome to suggest otherwise.)

Still, I’m delighted with this study, and not at all surprised. I’ve worked with adolescent boys as a youth minister for many years, and I’ve taught slightly older young men for even longer. One of the most common complaints that I — and anyone else who works with teen boys — hear is “I’m tired of having everyone think all I care about is sex”. Like the boys in the SUNY study, the teens I work with don’t deny that they are sexual creatures; they don’t pretend that sex isn’t frequently on their minds. What they find more frustrating than unsatisfied horniness is the enduring stereotype that they have no real interest in love and romance. When speaking of teens of either sex, it’s a false dichotomy to suggest that they want either sex or a relationship. All the recent research suggests that adolescent girls can have powerful libidos; this study makes clear what youth workers already know: that teenage boys, as horny as they are, have deep and complex emotional desires.

As I’ve written before, one of the chief attractions of feminism for men is the chance to be liberated from the myth that suggests that underneath a wafer-thin veneer of civilization, we are all violent, selfish, sex-crazed beasts incapable of empathy. One basic truth well known to teachers and drill sergeants and employers alike is that people tend to perform up or down to the expectations we have of them. If we tell adolescent boys over and over again that they “only want one thing”, some will start to believe it. More troublingly, the many who are sensitive and interested in relationship may begin to believe that those “emotional” aspects of their identity are inconsistent with “real” masculinity. For fear of being shamed by other males, these boys will suppress their gentleness, their tenderness, their romantic side. (And as we all know, if you suppress something long enough and well enough, you can forget it’s there.)

At All Saints Pasadena and other places, I’ve facilitated all-male teen discussion groups many a time. Though I’ve never had this study at my disposal before, I’ve often gently broached the subject of love and romantic desire. More often than not, a few boys will begin to deny that guys want anything other than sex. My favorite line in that regard: “Only a fag would actually want to be in a ‘relationship’ with a girl — most guys just want to get laid.” (The boy who said this eventually laughed at the contradictions embedded in his proclamation.) I’ve learned that these sorts of statements are invariably dishonest; they are standard homosocial techniques for establishing masculine bona fides with other men. Few boys want to be the first in an all-male setting to admit that yes, guys are as interested in love and emotion as girls are. But when they trust me (and more importantly, trust each other), I’ve found that the young men with whom I’ve worked are very much like the boys in the SUNY study.

I was disheartened to read the comments that appear below the Times article. Many of the commenters were convinced that the researchers were misled, or that the boys were lying. Both men and women have a lot invested in maintaining the fiction that the gap between what each sex wants (especially in puberty) is vast. You see, if we really started to believe that hormones and chromosomes are not destiny, if we really started to believe that the presence of ovaries doesn’t guarantee an urge to nurture and that possession of testes doesn’t guarantee a longing to be promiscuous, we’d have to rethink so many of our enduring beliefs about who we are as men and women. That’s terrifying for a lot of folks, particularly those who find deep comfort and security in a world with rigid gender roles.

One of the reasons I am as passionate about feminism as I am is because feminism proclaims to the world that Freud was wrong: biology is not destiny. I have a Y chromosome and a prostate — my wife doesn’t. But my capacity to love, to care, to connect with others is neither caused by nor in spite of my physiology. My wife’s desire to lead and to compete is not in contradiction with estrogen, oxytocin, or any other biological influence. Our bodies are real, and their influence on our identity undeniable. But our individual differences are so vast that any generalization made about all the possessors of vaginas or penises can easily be disproven. More importantly, as this new study about boys reminds us, we all — whether male or female — have the desire for love and connection, even in the midst of the hormonal tempest that is puberty.

This is good news.