A year or two later, there was a current affairs story about a family with a baby with the same problem, who had opted to give birth to the baby naturally at term, because of their religious beliefs. The couple were practically raised to “sainthood” by the media (I still cannot see the purpose of that story unless it was to inform people how they could prevent having a baby with a neural-tube defect: it wasn’t) and I thought of all the women who had chosen to have abortions for other reasons and how maybe this was calculated to make then feel “bad” (as if you wouldn’t already feel “bad” enough!).
I don’t feel comfortable with late-term abortions, mine was later and I was frightened she may try to breathe. I find it difficult to believe that in this day and age, anyone could let their pregnancy go that long before making a choice, unless something was found to be seriously wrong with the baby.
But I agree, abortion is definitely a woman’s choice, despite the grief of some men when a woman opts for a termination, it is the woman that has to endure the sickness, the pain and discomfort of pregnancy, the birth. We often forget that it takes two to make a baby, and maybe men should think about and discuss what a woman’s feelings would be should an unplanned pregnancy come out of their sexual encounter/s. So easily the woman is demonised and blamed, yet the man gets away with a clear conscience that despite his irresponsibility (?the man needs to take precautions also?) it is the woman who takes the blame and lives the pain (both physically and emotionally)

Married Tom, you misunderstood my point about birth control. Your feelings about abortion, as you say, are based on “if I’d had an abortion my beloved child would never have been born.” But that what-if isn’t limited to abortion. If I’d chosen to __________ instead I wouldn’t have my child today can be filled in with everything from “used a condom” to “fought off the man who raped me”. That doesn’t mean anything about the morality or immorality of what you fill in the blank–including abortion.

After all, Ursula LeGuin once wrote a very moving essay about how if she hadn’t had an abortion when she was a young, scared student, she wouldn’t have had the loving marriage and the children she has now. That doesn’t mean keeping an unwanted pregnancy is immoral either.

I think you touched on a critical point and possibly one that impacts women who have gone through this ordeal regardless of what their beliefs are on the matter now. Until we can be honest, really honest with ourselves about our feelings, experiences, as well as how and why we make the choices we do, without fear of expressing those things being twisted to “prove” someone else’s point, we’ll forget to focus on what’s important, move on and grow.

The truth is, regardless of your view on the morality of abortion, we all need to work together to prevent unintended pregnancies and improve our healthcare system in an effort not only improve the health status of pregnant women (which will also help decrease developmental anomalies and other dangers to the developing embryo/fetus) and the children they bear. We also need to provide the support people need regardless of the decision they make The last thing people need to do is beat themselves up when they make a decision they’re not 100% comfortable with or sure about.

Last fall, three very much wanted children later, I had another one. The time I spent trying to make the decision is the second-most painful period of my life–not because, for me, it was a “moral” decision about a potential life, but because of the weight of arguments both for and against in terms of what was best for my family, and what I could handle physically (it was very soon after my most recent childbirth) and emotionally. I made the wrong decision. Again–not as a moral decision, at least to me, but in terms of having made the wrong calculation about what I really wanted and where my happiness lay. (There’s more to it, but it’s not really relevant here). The months since this recent abortion have been the first-most emotionally painful of my life.

I remain firmly pro-choice. Just because I made the wrong call for me at this time in my life, I’m not in any position to say when it would be the right or wrong call for anyone else.

I have noticed, though, that because of the tendency of those who are anti-choice to use the regret issue against us, many on the pro-choice side are, perhaps, overly reluctant to acknowlege that regret is possible. I noticed, for example, that both the nurse at the clinic (when I went for my after-care visit) and my feminist therapist were very intent on characterizing my feelings as “very normal feelings of grief or sadness that many women feel.” I went back to the therapist the following week and said, basically, “I know we may be hesitant to call it this because of the way the other side uses it against us, but I also want to be able to name my own feeling the way it really feels to me, and what I’m feeling is regret.” If I could go back to that day in the fall, knowing what I know now, I have no doubt that I would make a different decision.

Talking about regret or remorse may indeed, in some cases, be a ‘cheap’ way to gain the ‘forgiveness’ of those who are judgmental. At the same time, I have cringed several times in recent months at the dismissiveness with which many of my fellow pro-choicers treat the very idea of regret over abortion. It makes me feel even lonelier…

Most people I know who are parents and who have had abortions couldn’t imagine having terminated a pregnancy for one of the children they have and are raising. I had my abortion over 20 years ago and, while my views on life, death and everything in between have evolved over those years, my comfort with my decision to terminate that pregnancy has not. I still think there are reasons I find termination to be an appropriate decision to make and times that I do not. I also know that not everyone agrees with me. Frankly, there are times I think someone who chose not to have an abortion has actually made as cruel and selfish a decision as those who think abortion is murder think a decision to abort is. I have the sense to realize the people who make those decisions will never evolve to think differently of their decision and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting it.

I understand that your views evolved over time and that you sincerely hope that others’ would evolve in the same manner. Unfortunately, a lot of us have been dealing with “pro-lifers” that keep telling us that eventually our opinions will evolve as yours did we just haven’t gotten there yet. In other words, if we don’t see we’re wrong and they’re right now, we will eventually. To be honest, regardless of intent, it’s as patronizing as when evangelical Christians tell me I realize how wrong it is to be Jewish when I come to accept Christ.

I said nothing about birth control, so please don’t cast me down that slippery slope. I willingly got a vasectomy, actually two, so clearly I have no issue with this. Given my wife’s fecundity, we would probably have 10 by now without it.

You may choose to think this is a “routine” if you want. I am merely trying to provide a perspective on my own changing opinion on the matter and suggest that the attitude towards abortion may be impacted by time and experience with others as it was with me.

And this is what the older, parental types seem to understand when they appear judgmental of abortion. It is quite simple to them–they look at their own children and shudder to think about how things would be without their own children.

Sorry, Married Tom. I’m an ‘older, parent’ type myself, and I’m calling you on the not-so-subtle “you’ll understand when you’re a little older” routine.

It is not quite so simple to me. I can’t imagine not having my children. But I also understand that “what if?” is a very big game to play. What if I had used birth control on the night I conceived one of them–does that mean birth control is immoral and that I have the right to be judgmental of people who use it? What if I had stopped at one child - would that make it right for me to shudder at parents who have a single child?

I agree with Ms. Anon’s point above, though I’d suggest that there are far more of the former than the latter. I have heard stories of loyal clinic protesters who have the audacity to seek an abortion at the very clinic they usually protest. They explain to the clinic worker that “Well, my husband and I — I’m MARRIED, you see — already have four children and I got pregnant this time by mistake.

Well, gee whiz, if you’ve heard these stories, surely that means they must be true!

I have worked as an escort at clinics in which this has happened (on more than one occasion).

I have been at a clinic in which this has happened and the protester-patient had the gall to justify her abortion and moral superiority over all the immoral sluts there to kill their babies (no joke). [ironically, I was at this clinic b/c I was having difficulty with a pregnancy and the office manager wouldn’t schedule me for an exam another 4 weeks because I admitted I wanted to have some pre-natal testing]

Married Tom

Had my wife and I had no moral basis for preferring abortion over keeping our unexpected child, we could have very well been “justified” in terminating the pregnancy, or even three of our four pregnancies. If you throw in the inconvenience, risk of pregnancy, changes to my wife’s body and my freedom, etc., we could have easily justified terminating any and all of them.

Maybe I’m being overly sensitive but are you implying that anyone who decides to terminate a pregnancy is lacking in morals (or disregarding them to justify their decision)?