My wife and I went to a lovely wedding this afternoon; Melissa, our personal assistant and “chinchilla nanny”, married her long-time sweetheart. We had a wonderful time at both the service and reception, but watching the wedding itself, I was reminded of something I’ve meant to blog about for a while.
It’s a strange aspect of the acculturation of the American male that most men end up with no idea what to do with their hands when they are standing still. I’ve been to dozens and dozens of weddings in my life; in most of them — particularly those with large numbers of groomsmen — the lads all end up standing with their hands firmly clasped together in the pelvic region They look like soccer defenders preparing to guard against a free kick; they look, every time, ridiculous. Most of them have enough sense not to put their hands in their pockets, though I do sometimes see that as well. The bridesmaids didn’t have to worry, as is customary in American weddings, they all had bouquets to hold and keep their hands occupied.
Here’s something I learned in theater classes when I was ten years old: as awkward as it feels, it’s perfectly okay to stand still with your hands resting gently by your sides. It “feels” strange, but it looks much better than the “soccer wall” look. No hands in pockets, no hands clasped, no fingers pinching the outside trouser seam. No “gunslinger” look either, with the arms at the sides but the hands a couple of inches away from the hips. (President Bush is guilty of this.) Stand up straight, don’t hunch your shoulders, take a stance just a little bit less wide than your shoulders, and keep those hands still, apart, and just slightly open. No one’s gonna fire a ball into your testicles, boys, relax.
When I saw the title of this post, the possibility that the three terms were linked did not occur to me. I was most certainly proven wrong.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sglascock/218678356/
Is this the look your looking for?
The posture isn’t perfect, but the hands are just right.
This might be a better example
http://poonen.org/sunil/wedding/14%20With%20Groomsmen%20&%20Bridesmaids.jpg
Every single picture of my dad looks like that. We always tease him. But at least at first, it does *feel* awkward to leave your hands at your sides. I wonder if it’s particularly weird for men, who are (yes, generally speaking) less comfortable/used to being looked at than doing something. Maybe the crotch-covering is an unconcious response to feeling “exposed.”
Beste, the older guy in the middle nails it. You’re right, JW, it’s awkward. But it can be learned. A lot of it does have to do with a very serious issue: the male discomfort with being looked at. Women may be uncomfortable being stared at, but they are trained to be ready for that gaze much earlier in life.
You’re going to have to explain better what’s wrong with it, besides “it looks like something from soccer.” I think hands clasped in front, hands at sides, or hands clasped in back are all perfectly decent-looking things to do. Perhaps this is just a random OKOP/NOKOP cultural difference?
As for the psychoanalysis that it’s some sort of “covering” of the genitals — that doesn’t explain the hands-clasped-behind thing, nor does it reflect my experience as a hands-clasped-in-front guy. If anything, I wish my arms weren’t just the right length so that my clasped hands land at my crotch.
Hugo — YES! Plus: How many weddings have I been in where I am the only groomsman who stands still? I can recall at least three where people commented on it afterward.
A sort of relaxed version of the good old military attention pose, that’s the ticket. Straight but not ramrod straight. Shoulders back enough not to hunch. Arms straight down. Middle fingers about in line with your trouser side ribbons (assuming you’re in a tux). And stand still. If what’s bothering you is being stared at, believe you me, you’re less likely to get noticed if you don’t shuffle around the whole time.
Interesting point about women and “the male gaze”. Not sure that really plausibly generalizes to being stared at by a whole crowd, though.
You may be right, Stentor — I suppose it conveys nervousness and awkwardness to me, but that may be because I was trained at such an early age not to do it.
Luis, a nice explanation of exactly how to do it.
Bah, I’ll stick with my “arms folded across the chest” posture. It’s the only one that looks at all natural on me (my arms are disproportionately long; left hanging, I look a bit like an upright chimpanzee), it matches nicely with my perpetual scowl, and has the bonus of making people less likely to pay attention, which is always a plus. Not, to head this off, because of any gendered gaze. That would require me to be attractive in some way. Rather, I’m merely introverted by nature and prefer hiding in plain sight, so to speak.
Hands in front is just “at ease,” and a little less stiff, at least, then “Parade Rest.” I prefer it to a sloppy “at attention” posture.
At my wedding, we plan to give the guys something to hold as well, for parallelism. Haven’t decided WHAT yet, but I figure this way they’ll have something in their hands to fidget around. This is necessary, seeing as one of the groomsmen is my husband’s little brother, and he has ADD- it’s pretty necessary for him to have something in his hands to keep him focused.
Thanks for the post Hugo. I am going to be Best Man at a friend’s wedding so I will use this info to try to look better for the photos.
I also must agree, however, with the posters who think that hands clasped in front looks OK too. I do not immediately relate to the soccer analogy as I do not and have never played soccer, nor do I enjoy watching it, although I have seen enough to recognize the pose and it did make me smile.
My mom always used to discourage the hands clasped in front pose because she felt it looked like we were playing with ourselves. Not sure what this says about her psychologically, but it does make me think that what others think of any of these poses will be based in their experience.
That makes it awful tough to find the one “right” pose, as we all have different experiences.
Still, great food for thought.
Antigone, might I recommend a gentleman’s walking stick or cane? I saw this done at a wedding once (think Gene Kelly, not Charlie Chaplan) and it worked very well. Nice and stately and kept their hands occupied. Goes well even without the top hat.
Hmm, I’ll have to think about it. The groom and best man will have swords, so I want it to not look funny.