If the generic nature of your conversations is what is turning him off, it sounds like you just need to be more specific. I can understand his dislike of your pronouns - saying “they” this and “they” that DOES sound conspiracy-like, it doesn’t really point to anything tangible (”they” who? it’s not like there is a literal Grand Council on Patriarchy making the rules).

If your goal is to become a women’s studies professor, you might ask him to help you figure out how to help him relate to your theories - because that’s what you’ll need to do in the classroom, too. Telling your students all about the “oppression” that “they” are subjecting women to is just going to leave them confused. If you approach it from that angle, he may open up to responding to you when you wax theoretical rather than tuning you out.

I was born in a country with a genocidal past and occasionally harassed because of it. In the beginning that felt horrible and I was very defensive. But eventually I learned to live with it because I did not have anything to do with that, so I did not care. I wasn’t guilty.

But feminism has constructed an all-pervasive system without individual guilt that still allows to shift blame around based on group membership: patriarchy. I’ve suffered from feminist indoctrination in my personal development and I can tell you that the broad strokes of badly understood sociology can be quite intimidating and infuriating to a young person that is being accused of being guilty without having done anything.

Thus, short of a sex change your husband will always be an “oppressor” in feminist ideology whether or not you earn the money, whether or not you’re the only one taking liberties in your relationship, whether or not he already lives your theories.

See, I occasionally feel defensive and infuriated simply because Hugo has written something about how bad men are and I somehow interpret it as a personal attack and react accordingly - because I am a man (who cares, although I should probably be one who doesn’t, it’s a lot healthier). And this a just a blog.

As I mentioned above I haven’t had a girlfrind who self-identified as feminist, but I’ve had a few infuriating discussions with feminist friends that led to extended no-speaking periods. I certainly couldn’t live with a person who’d see me as a member of an “oppressor class” however much she’d tell me I was different, and if she’d stand by the theory, well, then I’d probably be wrong for her, and she’d be wrong for me. Other people have other incompatibilities. For me, some political is personal, too.

This is a loose-loose setup, in my opinion. But there was a post a while ago on feministe about how to have a “feminist relationship” and how to be a “feminist boyfriend”. You may want to check there for some advice. Some “feminist” relationships apparently exist. Please note that when I say feminist I mean relationships in which both parts accept “male oppression” and a specific defitiniton of “patriarchy” as an integral part of their relationship, not simply “gender justice” and equality, which is something everyone should be interested in.

Btw, if you say “but you’re not like them” my next mental step would be “so I’m not a real man for you?”…

Just my 2 ct., good luck to you two.

When I read the word “privilege” in feminist writings, it has multiple meanings. Several of the meanings used contradict each other. Similar to how cleave means to separate or join together. I understand why there are two meaning of cleave because they came from two different languages. I don’t understand the use of contradictory meanings of privilege in feminism.

I talked to him this morning and he says I am too general and use too many pronouns… But I don’t know how else to approach it, there’s so much involved in how oppression/privilege works.

Have you point-blank asked him why he gets so defensive? Have you told him that he’s one of the most feminist men you know, and that your “waxing theoretical” isn’t meant to be an attack on him? Perhaps letting him know that he’s already living your theories will put him at ease, and his answers will help guide you.

“I feel like I do not know how to introduce him to the theoretical side of feminism without getting his back up.”

I do not know what the “theoretical side of feminism” is or means. Most of the things that Hugo and others talk about on this blog are practical: “do this, or don’t do that” type of things to be a feminist.

Would you give one or two examples of theoretical feminism that makes your husband feel attacked?