I am pretty far down the path of my own healing process and I certainly do see feminism as something which relates to real life which is why I just stuck my neck out. I’m very glad I did, I live with flashbacks alot of the time anyway and this was worth it. These issues can never just be an abstract intellectual debate for me so I would do this again, no problem. I’m curious to see what kind of comments people will make about what I said in the future. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to tell the world about who I really am.

I know how hard people find hearing this - that’s why so few people in my own life know my real story (and the real stories of many women & men). That too, I think is why I did this, current figures say something like 1 in 5 people live with the devastating after effects of child sexual trauma throughout their adult lives, so I know there are far more people than just me reading this site who are effected. But so few of us are able to talk about it. I also know that pretending these things aren’t happening always makes them worse.

For me there is little point to feminism if it isn’t about making life better. We have postmodern theory to satsify the need for intellectual excercise for its own sake (no offence meant to any postmodern theorists out there). That is a big reason I’m not a gender specialist in my own writing, work involves compromises which I don’t want to make in this area.

And I am very, very glad Mythago pushed me into doing this, it’s been something of a breakthrough for me!

And yes, the shakes have gone now

I don’t know what his criteria is for what he considers personal, acceptable and not acceptable. It’s his blog and he appears to be a prolific writer. I’m certain some people just respond to what interests them for whatever reason and time constraints. I’d also be surprised if the subject matter didn’t trigger memories and responses. Not everyone would openly admit this at least not in the way that you have. Given some of the responses I would be reluctant to be so honest. People don’t open up when they have little incentive to do so and in some circumstances it’s best not too. I’m glad you feel empowered to say how you feel. You’re speaking your own personal truth and I wouldn’t judge you for that. In theory, one would hope that discussions of feminism would relate to real life and improvement of women’s lives–I would hope men too. Sadly, I think it suffers an image (stereotype) problem. I think a good many people may feel alienated by the language and confused by the issues such as porn and prostitution.

I would appologise for the multiple postings but flashbacks and the shakes are an innevitable consequence of such personal attacks on disclosing and discussing such painful memories and experiences. I’d also have been better at spelling and grammar without the shakes etc too.

I don’t think this forum provides an emotionally safe zone to discuss these issues. I’m cetain it stimulates deep emotions, but many of the people who respond are not accessing those emotions and instead are intellectualizing. That is why some of the responses seem so cruel and distancing. There’s an interesting book which discusses intellectualizing of emotions (emotional unavailability). It allows people who intellecctualize a way to keep everyone and everything at a distance all the time. They manage the emotional impact of feeling by discussing it from the safe, distant perch on which they sit. They cannot make the connection between who they are and what they do. I’m certain that some people don’t even realize how their style is emotionally damaging for whatever reason and intellectualize away the pain they cause to others. And for some people, if they do recognize, they may not care. From a cultural standpoint we respect intelligent people. We assume if someone is smart, he or she is a whole evolved person, because they may sound whole and evolved, until you crack the surface and recognize the astonishing interpersonal cruelty they exhibit both to strangers and towards their more intimate relationships. I get that you are speaking from personal experience and I also get that you are coming from a feeling place. If you look at some of the responses, people quite clearly are NOT. They probably don’t even recognize how cruel some of their responses are. Yes, it’s an open forum unless Hugo decides to block what he feels are inappropriate responses and personal attacks.

Also, if stripping is better paid than prostitution, why don’t the women you speak of who need the highest paying job stick to that?, surely the logical thing to do if gaining the highest earnings is your goal. Higher earnings is the reason you gave for them going from stripping to prostitution, why did that not apply in your case?

I won’t be replying to any more of your posts, I gave up engaging with aggression a few years ago. However, you won’t stop me posting on this site.

Yes, we are all in this together so I’m not against you, but I get the feeling from your use of sarcasm towards me that you don’t like me posting here (saying things like ’sneering in’ doesn’t help with that) this is an open forum. I am certainly not sneering, I m quite shocked that you are allowed to use such personal and insulting language to an individual, where are you Hugo???? and thank you for making my responses possible Karen.

The comment you keep repeating about ‘colluding in their own exploitation’ is certainly not about blame. Of course it’s down to patriarchy, but often, as is also true of battered wives (something else I know about from personal experience - it’s happened to me twice - that god for the anaonymous pseudonym) when a person is traumatised they will find ways to repeat the trauma and ‘re-work’ it. This is an established fact of psychology. That is what I did with violent and sexually abusive men and also what alot of survivors do with prostitution.

We collude, and it takes facing up to that fact for it to stop. I won’t pretend otherwise. Maybe these women never told you they’d been raped as children - only two of my closest friends know what happened to me. This is hard right now and maybe the difficulty I’m finding in engaging with this is also why no - one talks about it.

I get what you are saying and yes your reasons are obvious to me. I think other people struggled with the post. Even Hugo says, “Even when I lack the power to describe it, I think sex is qualitatively different from all other activities.” I’m glad that saying what you did has helped you to feel empowered to some degree. I don’t believe it’s naivete, although right now I too struggle with the right words to describe it. Some people just lack empathy and ignorance is willful. I also think that some of Hugo’s writing’s offer a positive way to engage with men–he’s willing to put himself out there, instead of the usual BS, which is a refreshing change of pace. I agree with you about emotional and sexual abuse. I personally haven’t been exposed too, or maybe a better way to say this is that I haven’t known people who have picked sex work who were not forced, subtly coerced or indoctrinated to some degree. I’ve only known people who after the fact, are more willing to discuss the emotional damage it creates.

Patriarchy hurts all women. Some women have class privilege that helps offset that. Don’t come sneering in about how women ‘collude with their own oppression’ because they are doing the best they can to survive in a patriarchal system. Either they’re oppressed or they’re not. When you blame victims for ‘colluding’ in their oppression, you sound like one of those people who blames victims of domestic violence if they don’t leave immediately after the first time they’re hit.

Turning tricks is illegal and frankly wouldn’t have paid as well as stripping did, so it was a pretty no-brain choice there.

I only visit this feminist site so I have no idea what is said on others. I visit here because I like Hugo’s style and it’s important for me at this stage in my recovery (a 25 year process) to engage with men and Hugo’s writing is usually a good way for me to do this. I am trying to be able to trust them. This post is off putting though! The idea that selling sex could be likened to a massage seems out of character.

I am very passionate about views of prostitution and the effects it has on the women and men involved for personal reasons, reasons which I think are obvious to you. I’m very glad to have this forum, and saying what I did has empowered me to some degree, I’d love to just broadcast the whole crappy mess to the world, there seems to be so much ignorance. I am shocked by what sometimes seems like naivety about the effect of prostitution on the emotional lives of those involved.

There is so much secrecy around the impact of child rape and abuse and how that translates in survivors lives - prostitution is a major area of this. Most prostitutes will report emotional damage before they start, often derrived from sexual abuse. All of them will leave the ‘profession’ (sic) with damage.

I appreciate your solidarity, thank you