I also agree with this gem,”Most people are flattered when someone takes a genuine interest in what they have to say.” Again, and sadly, I’ve met few people who take a “genuine interest,” in what I have to say and are more interested in what they have to say, projecting, and taking every opportunity to talk about themselves and their opinions. Perhaps I’ve met an overabundance of self-absorbed, self-talkers. I’ve never had to make small talk as I’ve met people who can’t stop talking about themselves and don’t stop talking long enough for anyone else to get a word in edgewise. A lot of people focus on the wrong questions and make broad-sweeping generalizations about other human beings and this is definitely off-putting for any future communication. In fact, it’s a dealbreaker in most situations. I’ve observed communication problems and have been exposed to insufferable insecurities and inappropriate commentaries among highly educated people and trades people alike–it’s part of the human condition.

In regards to academic elitism, I paid for my own schooling and tuition, so I was forced out of practicality and necessity to choose a state school. I didn’t have the luxury of attending an Ivy-league school and never entertained the thought. Instead, I attended two community colleges before transferring to Cal Poly SLO. After I graduated from college I found difficulty obtaining work within my chosen field. Out of necessity (I had to work and earn a living) I was told that a college education didn’t mean anything—a comment usually made by someone interviewing me in personnel or the human resources department. Sadly, I heard this comment all too often. People snooped and intruded into my personal life, asking questions which were none of their business instead of focusing on my talents and abilities. I also observed that they seemed far more preoccupied with my age, marital and especially my reproductive status, which was NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS, yet this was still their focus. I was offered secretarial positions, which didn’t require a college education. I have met many business people who majored in something entirely different from their current career paths or should I say jobs. I have also met a lot of people who switched careers and many who are overqualified, overeducated and underpaid. Unfortunately, I’ve encountered a lot of sexual harassment, which has been tolerated and overlooked in corporate settings and I’ve also encountered many people who’ve had their careers derailed and obstructed by ruthless manipulators competing for jobs, status, money, positions, etc. The more ruthless individuals have derailed hardworking employees simply because they are power hungry and usually because they feel threatened or have or had personal issues with someone (meaning that they didn’t like them) and unfortunately exercised undue influence to get people fired, terminated or just make their work life living hell, which forces them out. I believe connections are far more important in business than actual ability or education and there’s a certain cache to bragging about what college one has attended—at least in some circles. I wish that were not so, but I’ve observed it more than what I would like too. It all comes down to if someone likes you, how insecure they are or if they feel threatened by you. How talented you may simply doesn’t matter if the decision maker is insecure or threatened by your talents.

After all the travel and education, I found it hard to go back to Texas. It was not that I could not make small talk - I have waited enough tables in my life to be able to do that with anyone, just that I find it difficult to find common ground to connect with a lot of people from where I come from. I felt like a foreigner in my own hometown.

Small talk is different than talking. You can always talk about the weather, sports, price of gas/food, for a few minutes. But on any substantial level, my feelings on many of the larger issues in life can be very different than the people from where I came from.

This is not something that I have a problem with, but something I accept. It was better when I moved out to the east coast and found loads of people like me. I don’t know if this smacks of elitism or not. I surely don’t consider myself elite as I don’t have a fantastic financial situation.

Socialist, yes, athiest, yes, feminist, yes… if that makes me elite, than so be it.

I also love good cheese. :)

But I don’t think it is necessarily just a product of an ivy league education. It is a combination of class and experience. I guess because I am from working class I can at least attempt to blend in and talk to the plebes. I have never been OKOP, and who knows if marrying European and living that life will make me that. But I don’t think it is something you can become, only something that you are born into. Maybe I’ll always feel like a fraud, but I am pretty happy being the open minded Texan in France.

This is obviously an issue that I have not yet resolved within myself. Someday I would love to write a great essay, but first the inner conflict must be clarified. The struggle between where I came from and where I aspire to be.

The problem with Deresiewicz’s statement is that he seems to be saying that he cannot connect even on the most basic human level. And that is something that everyone should be able to do with everyone. Especially if they are OKOP. All the OKOP that I have met have pretty decent social skills. For example, my current boss is the CEO of an association in DC. I admire her completely because she treats everyone as humans, from the person who waters the plants in our office to the ambassador of France. And that is what a good and decent person should be able to do, in my opinion. So, if she is OKOP, then count me in. That is what I want to be.

In the same vein, not every out-of-touch elitist fails to engage with and see working people clearly by discounting them. Indeed, many artificially distort and mythologize the experiences of everyday people, usually arising from oversubscribing to either academic or pop-culture perspectives about “how the other half lives”.

Every one of those kids has interacted on a near-daily basis with people who work with their hands. Janitors, clerks, sales people, mechanics, food servers, meter maids - it is not possible to reach maturity in Western civilization without having substantial interaction with people from different social classes.

It is possible, if you’re a hopeless elitist, to bypass all of those conversations and interactions and pretend that all these services are being provided by invisible robots. But they aren’t. Everyone is perfectly capable of engaging with “the workers”.

The ability to communicate across class of this sort comes from experience. Those students in the public universities, most transfer students, ones from less-advantaged backgrounds, and so forth have had more exposure, either through family or through their own experience, to different lifestyles. I saw something of this divide at Cal. Older students with workplace experience, transfer students, veterans, and minority students often had a sort of inter-cultural fluency that 18-to-22 year old white kids right out of good high schools lacked. If those latter students then went on to grad school and a professorship at an elite school, or maybe into a cushy sinecure obtained through good family or other connections, and never had a day’s experience really sweating out a paycheck, it would be pretty conceivable that, ten years later, they might realize that they’ve never learned to relate to a plumber or anyone else who works with their hands, and would write similar articles themselves.

Antigone:
Maybe I’m reaching, but it sounds as if your family has a bit of insecurity about dealing with you, and now you’re projecting this to onto others. If you like who you are, and where you are, and what you are working to become, this won’t matter in the end. Yes they are family, but you might need to get your intellectual nourishment and true companionship from other people, who see the world your way.

Anyone with their head not firmly wedged up their ass is aware that you can generally get a conversation going by asking people about themselves. The guy’s wearing a Red Sox cap, fercryingoutloud, think maybe you could ask him about how the Red Sox are doing this year?

I do like to listen, actually: I find people endlessly fascinating. But for whatever reason, people seem suspicious when I’m interested in them, and I ask them questions about themselves.

Or, with my family in particular, they seem to think even the questions are “hoitey-toitey”.