Oprah Winfrey announced this week that she’s deeply “embarrassed” at having put on more than forty pounds in the past two years. Our nation’s most public and beloved yo-yo dieter, Oprah has been gaining and losing, gaining and losing, in front of hundreds of millions of people for more than two decades. She’s tried liquid diets, she’s worked with some of the world’s best trainers, she’s made the spiritual and psychological connection between eating and emotional needs. She’s done it over and over again, and — at least in her eyes — she’s “failed” at the task of overcoming what she sees as her addiction to food.
There’s a lot to unpack about Oprah in general, as well as her very public quest to be trim and fit. She deserves tremendous credit for her willingness to risk humiliation and to admit embarrassment; whether the issue is recovery from sexual abuse or overeating, Oprah has always been brave about connecting her private story to her public work. As someone who does the same thing (on a much smaller scale, with a blog and a classroom instead of a massive global franchise), I am repeatedly inspired by Oprah’s blend of raw ambition and near-naked transparency. That’s a rare combination, and it’s an enviable one.
From the standpoint of those of us interested in fighting “body fascism”, we could wish that Oprah could demonstrate greater self-acceptance. While on the one hand, it is perhaps comforting to some that even the powerful and the wealthy can suffer from low-esteem, to others Oprah’s plight makes their own struggle seem all the more hopeless. If Oprah, with all the vast resources at her disposal, cannot permanently overcome what she sees as a shameful addiction to food, who can? If Oprah, whose achievements have made her an icon (and, in the case of Barack Obama, perhaps something of a king-maker), still suffers from the pressure to live up to an unattainable ideal, doesn’t that make clear how utterly absurd and destructive it is for any of us to be chasing that ideal so relentlessly? These are questions worth asking.
But this morning, I’m feeling a lot of gratitude for the lesson of which Oprah is reminding me. No matter how passionately we are committed to growth and change and transformation, no matter how hard we work, we will always have some area of our life where we will be humbled. I see this very clearly in my own recovery, perhaps especially around body image. I am a man who has known many addictions. In my teens and twenties — and into my thirties — I struggled with alcoholism, chemical dependency, compulsive sexual acting out, self-mutilation, and a fairly darned strong eating disorder. Sex, food, and drugs ran my life (when I wasn’t somehow managing to suit up and show up to write papers and teach classes.) With the exception of gambling (in which I never took an interest), I’ve earned my seat in most Twelve-Step programs. And thanks to therapy, thanks to divine grace, and thanks to a tremendous amount of work on my part, I have known great healing from most of these addictions. I haven’t had a drink or an illicit drug in more than ten long years. I have been faithful to my wife, and found that that particular yoke is surprisingly light and pleasant. My need to drink or seek validation in a new person’s arms has diminished steadily; the “obsession of the mind” has been removed in these areas.
But like Oprah, I still struggle — more than I like to admit — with body image issues. It’s easy for me to hide those issues; my weight doesn’t change all that much (I fluctuate between 175-185, year after year, depending on how many miles a week I run). But as my wife will tell you, I still, still, still, must fight against the compulsion to exercise to fight the onset of the fat I fear so much. December is always the cruelest month for those of us with body dysmorphia. Yesterday, I stepped on the scale at the gym, and saw the highest number I’d seen since I got back from vacation in August; I’ve gained five pounds in a month (thanks to traveling and lots of vegan sugary treats.) Feeling depressed and anxious, I resolved to get up extra early this morning so I could get a longer run in. The alarm woke my wife up, and my fumbling around for my running gear left her sleepless and annoyed. My own self-centered anxiety took an immediate toll on the person I love best and most. Mind you, running isn’t the problem (it’s a good thing to run) — prioritizing running above virtually everything else is.
After years and years of sexual compulsiveness of one form or another, I am genuinely blissful in monogamy. After being addicted to pills and alcohol from age 15 to age 31, I’ve now known over a decade of sobriety. And, thank God, I know so little temptation in those areas. But when it comes to how I feel about my body, when it comes to my own anxiety about fat and weight gain, I’ve made nowhere near the same progress. A decade ago — two decades ago — I stood naked in front of the mirror after a shower, scrutinizing my flesh with distaste. I confess I did that again this morning, not much more than an hour ago. It’s not the wrinkles I mind (I’m proud of them). It’s not the gray hairs on my chest or the many, many scars all over. It’s the little deposits of fat in places I wish they weren’t; these I hate and loathe and obsess upon. Years and years of therapy, years and years of Twelve Step work, years and years to just grow up and get over myself, and I have made precious little progress (much less than I usually like to admit) when it comes to overcoming my very poor body image.
I’m not asking for pity or solutions. I’m writing as an act of recognition of a simple fact: while transformation is possible, it rarely happens in every facet of our lives. Our triumphs and successes in overcoming one set of obstacles do not guarantee that all other obstacles will melt away. And indeed, remaining captive in at least one area of one’s life to one’s fear and anxieties and addictions does have at least one salutary side effect: it’s an excellent prophylaxis against excessive pride! I already struggle with hubris; jeepers, how much worse might I be if I weren’t constantly aware that in one area of my life, I’ve seen precious little progress? My capacity to empathize with those who find it impossible to let go of self-destructive behaviors, year after year, is all the greater because I know so keenly how difficult it is to make progress in this particular aspect of my life. I can speak from experience about how to overcome alcoholism and sexual compulsiveness; I cannot yet speak from experience about how to gain lasting love for one’s own flesh. And because I can’t offer a solution to this most vexing of problems, because I still see in my own life the struggle against body dysmorphia and the damage it inflicts, I am humbly aware that I must be all the more compassionate towards those who cannot yet overcome those things that I have been fortunate enough to overcome.
Perhaps someday I will get to the place where ten pounds here, ten pounds there, means nothing to me. But that day is not yet. Because my eating disorder hides behind exercise addiction, my body doesn’t bear the outer and obvious signs of someone who struggles with food. (I haven’t had to deal with anorectic behavior in many years — not since I fell to 145 pounds in 1993.) But I’m never for a moment unaware of what Delmore Schwartz so famously calls the “heavy bear who goes with me… the central ton of every place, the hungry beating brutish one, in love with candy, anger, and sleep…”
I ache for Oprah in her embarrassment; I honor her in her candor. And I acknowledge, with no small degree of ambivalence, just how pernicious this obsession with food and weight is. I can write about it, teach about it, pray about it, and it is still with me. Long after the other tormenting compulsions left me (mirabile dictu), I am left with this one. And if it makes me more humble, then there may be a silver lining in it after all. But my God, how much more kinder and accepting and of service could I be if I wasn’t so often crunching the numbers of miles run and calories consumed?
Perhaps when I can learn to conquer my ego, then I won’t need the shame to keep me human. And obviously, that day is not yet here.
I applaud you, Hugo, in your candor. Bravo to you. I found an interesting blog the deals with health and nutrition that I, along with thousands of others, just love. The writer, Mark Sisson, just posted on Oprah today. Its a challenge to her - not specifically to loose weight, but rather, to lead a healthier lifestyle - an ideal that I think would benefit everyone. You should check it out: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/oprah-hits-200-pounds-again/
I think Oprah has thought long and hard about a healthier lifestyle; her work with Kathy Preston recently, and indeed her diet book with Bob Greene, made clear she subscribed to a lot of the low-carb but low-processed food ideal.
Hey, I’m a vegan, for ethical rather than nutritional reasons. I also am at an ideal weight, body fat is around nine percent, and so forth. The issue for both Oprah and me is not the diet issue — there will always be a new diet. The issue for me — and for Oprah — is not that what we weigh, it’s how we feel about ourselves and how that leads us to behave in terms of either overeating or compulsively exercising or being filled with self-loathing. Diets are wonderful tools for well-being, but you can’t diet your way out of what is essentially an emotional issue. (And yes, I know what we eat affects how we feel — but self-loathing at a core level is not rooted in simple carbohydrate consumption.)
I think obviously in your case it’s dysmorphia and obsessiveness. I have struggled with weight, diet, and, unlike you, energy issues. I’m often amazed by how many people who take up more space than I do are more energetic and how many svelte people are not.
I come from a long line of eaters and people who obsess about it. My last name means pound in Yiddish after all. And interestingly, kids called me fat when I was nine and I recently looked at a picture of myself from then and I was not fat at all. Same with a high school picture during which I still thought I was AND people often said I was. sometimes I think I put out aa fat ‘vibe’ of sorts and now being 40 pounds overweight according to my doctor, my body caught up with me.
I guess the thing I’ve often wondered is when it DOES behoove people to lose weight/fat and when that person is sort of meant to be that way.In my case with high cholesterol, it would seem to be the former.
You are a lot more forgiving of public figures than I am. It might be smart of me to learn more forgiveness.
On the topic of Oprah, you see it as her being human and sharing her struggle. While, in my opinion, I see Oprah’s continuous weight battle irresponsible. She has built an empire on herself. No gimmicks, no big products, just her as a person and with that empire comes vast responsibility to be an example. What she says about weight and her emotions attributed to it affects the way other people will look at their weight.
And yes, some people will find solace in that their battle with weight is being echoed by a public figure they can relate to. But, the problem is, our society views weight as a battle. A battle that perpetuates eating disorders, depression, dissatisfaction, etc. So, while I applaud Oprah’s candor, I do not applaud the message she sends out. And, if you’re going to profit from being a celebrity with insurmountable influence, then you can’t complain that your “battle” is public.
I think, for the sake of her audience, she needs to get it straight and stop attributing her happiness to her weight. With the influence she has, if she started to truly immerse herself in the body acceptance movement, then maybe she could inspire others to do the same. That way, she won’t have to be living in a society fervently chasing a thinness that no one can ever catch.
“Perhaps when I can learn to conquer my ego, then I won’t need the shame to keep me human. And obviously, that day is not yet here.”
What separates YOU from Oprah is the direction you two are taking. You are taking a direction towards self-acceptance. While, Oprah is still on a road where she feels she needs to change. You know your solution. You need to be okay where you’re at and you will progress towards that place continuously (even if it feels like a snail’s pace). However, Oprah is still flailing, feeling lost, and still not getting that the external shell we’re living in is not what needs to fluctuate or change, but the internal core of who we are is what needs constant care and attention.
I’d rather see someone struggle towards a less shallow goal than one that involves trying to live up to a societal ideal. The path towards acceptance as we are is healthier than the path towards acceptance as we ideally want to be.
Bill, that’s the size of my problem, no doubt — with dysmorphia as the key. And the body acceptance movement, which Jamie (hi, welcome!) refers to is crucial here. I promote ethical veganism, but reject the “skinny bitch” model because it emphasizes veganism as a tool for attaining an ideal. I am hunting for self-acceptance irrespective of whether I’m lean and cut or nowhere near.
And it is my hope that Oprah will embrace both a diet that is responsible in terms of the earth’s resources and the animals that live upon it on one hand, and respectful of the idea that we are meant to delight in our food rather than starve to meet an arbitrary and cruel ideal. But for now, I do honor what I see as genuine candor on her part.
But Hugo, while self love no matter what size you are or shape you’re in is the name of the game, aren’t there some instances where slimming down, or simply getting in shape from a health perspective, is necessary?
I know it varies from person to person. There are people who eat hat they want and live to be 100 and in perfect health. There are people who are quite large who have no health or energy problems. But again aren’t there those who’s adipose deposits are indeed adversely affecting their lives?
And yes, food is pleasurable. I’ve always hated the food as sustenance only idea. But even that can go too far.
A bit tiresome, Oprah. You’re an adult. Act like one. Grow up. You talk about embarrassment about gaining weight when people are hungry, jobless, and suffering? This repeated whining is ridiculous. Fat, skinny - doesn’t matter.
Concentrate on problems that affect the public at large and stop whinning about something only you can control. It has been and remains enough!! Shame on you for such self-centeredness during these tough times for the masses.
Give some of that food that’s making you fat to someone who’s hungry. For goodness sake, Oprah!! Stop this foolishness. And stop it now!!
afc, that’s not entirely fair — willpower isn’t enough in the face of a genuine addiction, as I can attest. The struggle to eat healthier, the struggle to overcome body dysmorphia, the struggle to end global hunger — these are linked issues. And when we work towards body acceptance, healthier eating, and a more just and sustainable agriculture, we make good sense. And Oprah has helped a great many people feel less alone. I honor her humanness.
That’s not the point. She has had ongoing issues with her weight. This nation has not had the kinds of ongoing issues we now have. With her power, wealth, contacts and knowledge, she can address many more issues that could benefit those who are suffering so. She can talk up charities more, encourage people to give to the needy, and tell them how.
As a role model, she has the ability to do much more than center on her own personal struggles for weight control. That’s personal issue, controllable only by her. It’s recycles periodically to no avail.
She has power. I suggest she use it for the greater good, rather than her personal issues. She has more than enough money to more than adquately identify and address the causes of her personal issues. Many do not have those resources.
Her power should be redirected toward the greater good now, with all the suffering in this nation and the world. Self-serving statements reflect poorly on her these days and serve no useful purpose for the greater good.
That old adage - to whom much is given, much is expected. She’s a great person of tremendous accomplishments. Until there is less suffering among the masses, I hope she redirects her energies. She has the power and capacity to do so much good for so many. That should be her concentration, rather than self-absortion these days,
afc, Oprah has spent considerable portions of her decades as an international public figure encouraging people to give money and energy to charitable causes. There are plenty of angles from which to criticize Oprah, but I don’t think this is a viable one.
That said, I’ve long wished Oprah would use her power to help release her (primarily female) devotees of their bondage to fascist beauty standards. I’m not surprised she felt compelled to make a public confession like this; in our society, being fat is seen as a moral failure. Oprah in recent years has positioned herself more and more as a moral leader, so she confesses to this “moral failing” the way a philandering preacher would. I just wish she, and everyone in the world, would realize that she has committed no sin. Oprah has the influence to start to change this.
Perhaps the reason she was embarrassed is that,unlike most people, she has had her yoyo diet results seen and scrutinized by the entire country. If she hadn’t talked about this on the air someone else would, and probably in a derogative way.
I thought this short article had some pretty good perspectives on this topic.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/11/oprah-winfrey-diet
I knew there was a reason I don’t watch Oprah. Hearing about someone else’s body obsessions is almost as tiresome as when some idiot thinks they have a right to comment on my body. Still, it sounds like she does not in fact have power to control either her size or her acceptance thereof, and so no one should say she does. I hope she gets help. And being an example for the rest of us only exacerbates that need. Spider-man nailed it–”With great power comes great responsibility.” I hope indeed that she manages to ditch the weight fuss and use her power to help those in real distress.
“But again aren’t there those who’s adipose deposits are indeed adversely affecting their lives?”
Seems to me that the only adverse affects adipose deposits have are 1. on self-image, -acceptance, and -loathing. The idea that fat is not the same as “not healthy” in all circumstances is not an idea that you can use and then reject in the same paragraph. Either you believe it or you don’t. There are not many things that fall into the either-or category, but I believe this is one.
Atropa,
That actually was the point I was making, that it seems that fat does not equal unhealthy in all circumstances. Although it seems that you contradict yourself by saying that the only adverse affects are on self image and then saying that it’s not an either-or matter.
What interests me, mainly because I’m trying to come to a conclusion for myself about it is knowing when it’s a health factor and when it isn’t. There are some doctors and such who say it’s unhealthy no matter what and others who, as we discussed say it varies from person. As I’ve mentioned, my cholesterol is high and they say that excess weight is a risk factor. And yet there are those who have high cholesterol that are svelte.
Also in my case, as Hugo knows, I’ve struggled for years with depression and I’m still figuring out how much of that has to do with nutrition, exercise and, according to my doctor, excess weight and how much is due to other factors (heredity, history,external circumstances, attitude,etc.)
On a related note, for those who’ve been saying that Oprah owes it to people to be a role model because she’s so privileged and has so many people looking to her for that I say try being her for a day. Try being someone who is so scrutinized, has so many people that want a piece of her, and has so much pressure to be perfect since so many people canonize her,who by the way brought issues to the table like we all do, and see if on one day you slip and become human.
And BTW Hugo, I think the title of Rory’s book is more tongue in cheek than you may realize. Read or reread the last chapter where she says the point is NOT necessarily being skinny.
Oh, Bill, I like and admire Rory Freedman. I’m referring to the way in which the book is marketed, and by the willingness of some of my fellow vegans to promote veganism as a vehicle for attaining a certain body ideal. The main reason to be vegan is for the animals, not our own vanity. Good health and attractiveness may be happy byproducts of veganism, but they aren’t the best reasons (at least not for moi.) It’s the same reason I don’t like the PETA ads — using images and ideals that have proved hurtful to women in order to save animals doesn’t work for me.
Good point about Oprah and fallibility.
I read a book lately that I believe will be featured on the Oprah show!
I was thinking while reading it, Wrestling with the Goddess, by Azeem Kayum, that Oprah would love this book.
Reading this book tells me that anything is possible! It shows that no matter who your are, or what you look like, how skinny or fat you are, you can accomplish anything if you put your entire heart and mind into it. Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything.
And I really feel Oprah believes in this too… You never know this post could be all it needs to have Oprah read it! And you know what happens when Oprah reads a book… The entire world reads it too!
I just hope it helps someone else as much as it has helped me :)
Funt,
Cholesterol is not the same as adipose tissue. Subcutaneous fat is what we’re generally talking about when we say fat. That’s not cholesterol levels in blood serum. They are independent variables. Cholesterol levels correlate more closely to visceral fat than subcutaneous fat, actually.
As for what I said - I said that it IS an either or issue. Either someone believes that fat and fit can operate independently, or they believe that fat is always unfit and an average or slim build always means that a person is cardiovascularly fit.
Skinny Bitch is loathsome for reasons other than its title. I assume you guys haven’t read it, or you’d have noticed them insulting women by calling them “pussies” and exhorting them to give up medications (”chemicals”) - e.g. with the crazypants argument that menstrual cramps are your body’s way of preparing you for childbirth so you should suffer them.
That’s not about the ‘marketing,’ that’s about the authors’ hateful, misogynistic and frankly ignorant views. I should assume these nitwits understand anything about nutrition and health?
Anyone that hateful of other women and that stupid is not going to have anything valuable to say about veganism. I’d much rather pick up a book by vegans who don’t encourage women to hate their bodies or eating, thanks.
First of all, hats off to you Hugo, for overcoming so many addictive behaviors! I have what I consider to be an addictive personality type.
I managed to stay away from drugs and alcohol after watching my Father drink his life away. I was able to overcome the addiction of smoking as well. Now, food is my issue, my life, my love, my nemesis. Still, once must keep fighting the fight. I guess we all have our “thorns in the side” to keep us humble. Interesting article.
I agree Isobelle, this is such an inspirational blog. Hats off to you Hugo. I have experienced my own types of addiction. I recently read this book It Can Be Done - it addresses the issues of health, self-esteem, overcoming addiction etc. It has really helped me conquer many of my weight issues and I am so happy to share this message with others. Grace