Right. But I’m talking about the person who is grossed out because he *does* believe it is wrong, even if they think they shouldn’t feel that way. If “that’s just how I feel” is the beginning and end of that inquiry, then people who are allowing bigotry or ignorance to direct their preferences aren’t going to unlearn those problems.

This is true, to a certain extent. But we can’t control what turns us on (or off) and we are not responsible for our “id” (to use an old term). For example, if the prospective partner had lesbian affairs, and the idea of lesibianism grosses you out, you can still be tolerant, recognize there’s nothing wrong with it, treat the lesbians you meet like everyone else — and still be grossed out about it to the point where you can’t get in bed with someone who has done that. In fact there is an admirable level of tolerance in such a person — who realizes that just because something grosses him out doesn’t mean it’s wrong. The number of progressives who don’t pass this test is amazing.

If there’s something in your lover’s past that bothers you, the fact that it bothers you is the important fact.

Of course. But that fact is important not just for what it says about the relationship, but what it says to your partner, and about you. If you find yourself being irrationally upset that your partner once dated a person of another race, you probably are doing both of you a favor by ending the relationship - but self-awareness would demand trying to figure out *why* you have those feelings. Shrugging off bigotry, or selfish standards (”it’s okay for me to have screwed around, but not my partner”) is not something that it’s healthy to do under the guise of, well, we all have things we want in a partner.

I’m dying to know who the girl was who had her picture exposed to everyone, but I know you can’t and shouldn’t tell!

Anyhow, hug your wife for me and tell her I still remember her salsa lessons!

If there’s something in your lover’s past that bothers you, the fact that it bothers you is the important fact. You may not know why, or even know why and realize it’s for an irrational or even wrong reason. You can tell yourself you’re being hung up and wrong, you can apologize for feeling that way, you can try to educate yourself, but at the end of the day you will still be bothered. It might be an irrational reason to break off the relationship, but you must be self-aware enough to know that, for reasons that are not her (or his) fault, it just cannot be.