i am completely in agreement with hugo though about it being a matter of willpower and of making a commitment to oneself moreso even than one’s partner to remain faithful. the problem with cheating is the deception and having been on the receiving end of a cheating significant other, i knew i couldn’t allow myself to do that to anyone else.

I’ve honestly never understood this characterization. Yes, men have strong basic sexual urges, from the time we hit puberty for most of our lives. That does not mean that we necessarily must be directed towards endless novelty and sexual voraciousness. I may just be unusual, but my sexual desires and attraction that rise to the level of intent and pursuit of a particular lady are rather more selective than this caricature implies. Most women would not be very deeply satisfying to me as sexual partners. Finding one who is and with whom I can continually develop and explore a deep and evolving sexual relationship easily is unusual enough that I’m not terribly likely to be looking around too much when I find it. My ex-wife used to say that men would “have an urge for hamburger every now and then even if they had steak at home”, though now I’d probably say that we never quite “put the steak on the grill” in the first place.

I think that we have this very ugly stereotype out there about our sexuality, one that we often buy into ourselves. It leads to low expectations of us, and to excuses for why we do what we do (oh, he’s just “sowing his oats”). It treats an essential part of our personalities and character as something base, bestial, and outside of our control, and keeps us from fully owning and understanding even complex and dichotomous parts of ourselves. I think it pushes us into monogamous relationships that aren’t going to work out, out of a belief that we’re only being responsible and successful in our personal and sexual lives when we’re “settled down”. We wonder and others wonder if something is wrong with us, irresponsibility, immaturity, inability to commit, inability to talk to women, et cetera, if we’re not settled down by a certain age. (Yes, I know women have their own set of pressures towards settling down. That each sex faces them does not make them mutually exclusive.)

It also lets more serious problems that we have in our relationships get swept under the rug. If we really aren’t happy or satisfied, despite our best efforts, it’s not easy for us to be comfortable saying, and to be heard saying “This wasn’t working, I was hurting and lonely, I wanted and deserved something more in my life.” We can’t say that without getting all “Oprah” or not “manning up”; but we can always chalk it up to our “urges” or we can take “full responsibility” for fucking up, and people will just roll their eyes and “get it”. “Oh, he’s a guy, guys get urges, you know?” I’m not saying that being stuck in an unsatisfying relationship is an excuse for straying. There’s a world of difference between facing up to a failed relationship for what it is and terminating it so we can be free to seek what we need, and using the fig leaf of our supposedly uncontrollable sexuality to clumsily explore while maintaining the secondary benefits and appearances of a primary relationship. The language to knowingly do the former, though, is often not readily or easily a part of our inner or outer dialogues.

Be that as it may, I wholeheartedly agree with the follwing: “Our families and our culture at large also desperately needs men and women whom they can trust and upon whom they can rely. Marriage may not be, as the conservatives allege, the bedrock of society. But infidelity and deceit do do real damage to hearts and hopes. And while our greatest loyalty may be to a God, and then to ourselves, we also obviously have a responsibility to others. Men can be who we need them, wish them, long for them to be.” Just please, add women to that last sentence, because they are just as much at fault in this day and age.

I have to think this is a situation where communication in the relationship and commitment to fulfilling each other’s needs (not just with fidelity, and not just in bed) would go a long way toward creating relationships that work, and last.

I may lack perspective, given that I’m pretty young. (I dunno, if we’re talking about complaining about monotony, I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 38 & 1/2 months. But it’s been my experience that the ages of women I’ve had sexual interest in have tracked my own pretty well, and certainly other men express to me that this isn’t their experience. So maybe I’m odd (though not unique!). I’ve also found that my interest in other women has naturally decayed while I’m in a relationship (you could probably fit it fairly well to an exponential or such); and while I haven’t struggled against it, I haven’t done anything to encourage it either. (I may be privileged here by a lack of temptation, if anyone would be interested, they haven’t expressed as much to me; that I’ve been aware of, anyhow!) That I’ve found not cheating easier than pissing in the shower may mean that I just lack sufficient experience.

I still come back to the outcomes being the same, independent of gender. It seems (likely) that “men just naturally cheat!” isn’t causing men to cheat, but being grabbed by men who’ve already cheated to justify it. Women might instead grab on to how their emotional needs have been neglected, or some other “socially approved” explanation. In this sense (as you suggest, Hugo) taking away excuses might force them to confront what they’re choosing to do (whether they’d then choose to embrace or reject it, or (as I think is most likely) find a different excuse, I dunno.) But the underlying “to cheat, or not to cheat” isn’t strongly gendered. Of course, I have no idea where it does come from.

Could that be a part of the problem?

I hope I am not getting out of topic.

I enjoy this forum and sometimes I disagree with Hugo, but this is not the case. He is right on this time.
I think my comment helps to this discussion and maybe something good will come from here.