Author Archive for Hugo Schwyzer

Rejecting the narrative of male sexual indispensability

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 16, 2008
in GLBTQ, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 24 Comments

One of my former youth group kids came to talk to me last week after reading last week’s post about sexual identity. Louisa, 19 years old, has been “out” as a lesbian since she was in ninth grade, and has been with her girlfriend for two years now.

Louisa is in love with her gal. But lately, she finds herself questioning her self-identification as a lesbian. Though she describes having always hated the label “bisexual” for what she saw as its “wishy-washiness”, she talked about her growing curiosity about what it would be like to be (sexually, if not romantically) with a man. Louisa has never done more than simple kissing with a guy, and she finds herself wondering whether she ought to “try something” with a man just to find out what it’s like. She admits she’s been driving her girlfriend crazy with this hemming and hawing about having an experience with a fellow. But her curiosity, more so than her libido (though she’s savvy enough to know that those two are often enmeshed) is causing her to be, in her words, “mildly obsessed” with knowing what it’s like to be sexual with a man.

Louisa has taken my gay and lesbian studies class. She has read her Adrienne Rich; she knows about the reality (not just the theory) of growing up in a culture of “compulsory heterosexuality.” And she knows very well that if she were with a man, she might feel far less psychological pressure to experiment with a woman. “We don’t make straight women prove their straightness by having sex with girls”, Louisa said, “so why do I feel so compelled to ‘prove’ I’m lesbian by trying something with a guy? It’s like I feel I have to earn my queer credentials.”

Louisa, who has known me since she was 13, wanted one thing from our conversation last week, and it’s something I don’t know if I was able to give to her. She wanted help discerning whether this fascination with trying “it” (specifically, losing her heterosexual virginity) was something rooted in her own psyche or whether it was a response to the dominant cultural narrative. I pointed out the obvious — that for most of those, those two things (“natural” or “inherent” longings on the one hand and the socially-conditioned ones on the other) are incredibly difficult to separate. A lot of us spend a great deal of time working through this process of discernment; it’s one of the toughest tasks of young adulthood, and not a task everyone succeeds in completing. But the fact that it’s difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Clearly, most of us believe that our internal “bundle of desires” has innate and cultural-constructed elements. For example, we might say that for someone like Louisa, an attraction to women is largely innate while her attraction to partners who have dark eyes and like anime is largely conditioned. Continue reading ‘Rejecting the narrative of male sexual indispensability’

Obama’s Green Team: Grade B so far, but still incomplete

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 16, 2008
in Environmentalism and Politics
. 5 Comments

President-elect Obama has rounded out his cabinet with the announcement this week of appointees for the departments of the Interior, Energy, and the Environmental Protection Agency.

I’m not a single-issue voter, but I certainly elevate the environment to a place of primus inter pares when it comes to the factors I weigh in selecting a candidate for whom to vote. And while the line-up which Obama has presented is not without its flaws, at first glance it seems like a good group. Of course, in the aftermath of the disastrous Bush Administration’s environmental policies (particularly at Energy and Interior) almost anything would look like a whopping improvement. Though like most progressives, I would have preferred Raul Grijalva of Arizona at Interior (rather than the apparent nominee, Sen. Ken Salazar of Colorado), I don’t see anyone unacceptable in the lot.

I’m still waiting for the post I care most about: Agriculture Secretary. Considering that animal agriculture produces more carbon emissions than all the jets in the sky, it’s screamingly obvious that agriculture and environmental policy are closely intertwined. Given the coming battles over genetically-modified foods, crop diversity, water policy, animal rights, farm worker rights and so forth, it’s clear that the Ag Secretary will be one of (if not the most) vital players in advancing a progressive agenda on the domestic front. I’m happy to say the Nation agrees with me today!

So far, I give Obama’s environmental team a B. Depending upon whom he selects at Agriculture, that final mark could move up or down one full grade. I know it’s too much to expect Gene Baur, but Michael Pollan would send me over the moon. On the other hand, if Obama picks someone in the pocket of Monsanto, Archer Daniels Midland, or Hormel — then the chance of progress for workers, consumers, the earth and its creatures is much reduced.

Disenfranchised grief, part two: grieving the end of transgressive relationships

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 15, 2008
in Emotional and Sexual Boundaries, Grief, Marriage, Sexual ethics and transformation, Sexuality and Youth
. 9 Comments

Though only a few comments have popped up, I’ve heard from several folks in the past couple of days about their own take on “disenfranchised grief”, the subject raised in this Feministing post which I followed up on here.

In one of those not-terribly-bizarre-but-nonetheless-interesting moments of synchronicity, two of my former students (one male, one female) wrote me over the weekend with stories of disenfranchised grief which had been tied to inappropriate sexual relationships. I’m sticking the whole thing below the fold. Continue reading ‘Disenfranchised grief, part two: grieving the end of transgressive relationships’

Top Ten in 2008: the best five

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 15, 2008
in Top Ten in 2008
. 1 Comment

Last week, I put up #10 through #6 of what I’ve chosen as my best posts of the year. Here are the top five. Those who are sufficiently prolific are encouraged to provide links to their top posts in the comments. If I had more time, I’d do a carnival of the best of 2008 — lots of good writing got done across the blogosphere by so many different people.

5. “If I were better, he would never leave”: on romantic illusions, writing screenplays, and myths of male weakness (April 10) Excerpt:

So part of the job for women isn’t just letting go of the relentless pursuit of unattainable perfection. It’s also resisting a cultural myth that the success or failure of any heterosexual relationship rests primarily with the female partner. No matter how thin you are, or how good in bed you are, or how patient a listener you are, there is nothing you can do to control an adult man. You may be able to get yourself the temporary illusion of control, but it will be assuredly fleeting. Self-improvement for the sake of obtaining the power to direct a relationship — for the sake of keeping the self safe from heartbreak — will never, ever, ever, ever, succeed. The purpose of improving the self is to improve the self, not to become a more efficient and skilled screenwriter/director making the movie of one’s own life with a cast of thousands.

4. Age is never just a number: on “Juno” and covert older men/younger women boundary violation (January 14) Excerpt:

As a 40 year-old male who works with high-school age girls and boys, and as a professor who mentors many students, I have an obligation to be acutely aware of the dynamics that can come into play in my relationships with teenagers. In a youth group setting, a key component of responsible intimacy is never, ever forgetting that age is always more than “just a number.” A man who is troubled by his own ageing may imagine that he can return to adolescence by bonding with a much younger woman. He may be scrupulous about not sexualizing a relationship with a teen girl, and congratulate himself for having observed sensible boundaries. Alas, experience tells us that boundaries can be violated and wounds inflicted in relationships that never turn explicitly sexual. I never forget that, because I know that if I do lose sight of that truth, the chances that I will — unintentionally — harm a young person grow dangerously high.

3. Humiliation and becoming human: how erectile dysfunction made me a better man, husband, and person (March 14) Excerpt:

Not being able to get an erection every time I’ve wanted one has made me a better lover in a technical sense. It was ED that first forced me to see sex as more than “penis-in-vagina” intercourse. I’d like to think that my desire to connect and to play would have helped me grow as a partner anyway, but not being able to have an erection on command forced the issue in a way nothing else could. Much more importantly, however, periodic bouts of ED forced me to be honest with myself and with the women with whom I was being sexual. Developing other skills was nice, but learning that my body is an integral whole was a far greater reward. The humiliation of a soft penis at a critical moment (and I have had my share of stories in that regard, as have most of the experienced men I know) was a blessing. Humiliation takes its root from the Latin humus, meaning earth — and you can also sense the word “human” within it, even if its not a perfect etymological link. ED brought me down to earth, and it reminded me of my humanness at the very moments that I most needed that reminder. May God’s name be praised that I couldn’t always get an erection on “command.” I would be so much less of a lover and so much less of a man if, particularly in my younger years, I always could.

2. “Do Me, Do Me Right”: part one (very long) of a four-part series on Christianity and sexual ethics (July 17) Excerpt:

Even atheists often cry out “Oh my God!” at the moment of orgasm. There’s an element of the divine in all good sex. What makes it divine is not just the pleasure it brings, but the worshipful thanksgiving for the God-given capacity to give pleasure to others, and to receive it for ourselves. In the end, I am convinced that good, just, and worshipful sex can happen in marriage. It can happen outside of marriage. The vows themselves are no prophylaxis against abuse, sin, or degradation — and by the same token, the absence of vows do not vitiate the capacity for lovemaking to be ecstatic, righteous, just and pleasing to ourselves and the God who made us.

#1 post of 2008: Refusing Membership in the Boys’ Club: an answer to Derek about what feminist men can do (April 1) Excerpt:

Invitations to the Old Boys Club come in many forms, some subtle, some crass. Frequently, they involve opportunities to bond with senior men through talking — in sexist, objectifying language — about women. Other times, particularly if the young man (like Derek, or myself at his age) is open about his feminist leanings, an Old Boys Club member will, when no one else is around, ask half-jokingly “So, are you really serious about this feminist shit, or do you just want to get laid?” Or, more obliquely: “Come on, Derek, the women aren’t around, you can drop the touchy-feely stuff.” If you are a young man, low in status in a newsroom or a corporate office or an academic department, the senior men will almost always try and assess your suitability for the OBC early on in one way or another; what is often euphemistically called “collegiality” is just code for “willing to play along and not challenge us.”

In our culture, we socialize men to crave the approval of other males, particularly those in positions of authority. The pressure to “give in” and join the OBC isn’t just from older men; for many of us, it comes from within ourselves, as it speaks to our powerful, socialized desire to have our masculinity validated by alpha males. Telling Derek something I’m sure he already knows, I said that it’s very easy to be a feminist man in a women’s studies program. While being one of the very few men to major in Women’s Studies can have its challenges, those challenges are nothing compared to holding on to one’s feminism in the workplace, in the face of the overwhelming pressure to conform to the standard for male sexist behavior. “Walking the walk” of feminism in the face of the very real temptation to become complicit in the Great Crime of institutionalized sexism can be incredibly difficult.

Modes of grieving: my father, Matilde, and disenfranchisement

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 12, 2008
in Chinchillas, Family, Father and Grief
. 8 Comments

I just came across this nice discussion of “disenfranchised grief” and masculinity in the Feministing community.

Disenfranchised grief is grief over a loss that is not conventionally acknowledged or socially acceptable in your culture. Couples who experience infertility, terminate pregnancy due to some genetic disorder that the fetus had, or have a miscarriage often experience disenfranchised grief. Other examples include grief over the incarceration of a loved one, the death of a pet, the breakup of an unacknowledged relationship (i.e. gay couples who haven’t come out yet or have been rejected by their families) or the death of a partner in an unacknowledged relationship, the “loss” of one’s parent due to Alzheimer’s, the death of an ex-spouse or lover, the recurring grief of a birth mother who gave up a child for adoption, and the grief of an adopted child for the relationship they might have had with their birth parent(s). In many of these cases the people who surround the grieving individual may not understand the depth of the grief involved, or may think it’s something the individual should be able to get over already. In other cases, such as in the case of unacknowledged relationships, the individual may not be able to share their grief at all.

So as I’ve been thinking about this it occurs to me that men may often experience disenfranchised grief more often than women, because it’s more socially acceptable for women to express their grief, and because men are often expected not to have the same depth of feeling. I’ve known several men who really wanted children, and were deeply emotionally invested in having a family. When they (and their partner) encountered infertility or miscarriage, their grief was barely even acknowledged, while their partner received a lot of support. When men do express their grief over infertility or a miscarriage, or don’t “get over it” quickly enough, they’re viewed with a mixture of confusion and disapproval. So I think this is one example of the damage a patriarchal culture inflicts on men. What do you think of this? Are there other examples of disenfranchised grief I haven’t thought of? Are there cases where a woman’s grief is more disenfranchised than a man’s?

Check out the comments below the original post (made by Rachel in WY).

Without knowing the term, I’ve written several times about “disenfranchised grief.” I’ve written about my strong and enduring reaction to my high school girlfriend’s abortion. My most instant connection to that sense dates from June 2006, when I lost my father and our beloved first chinchilla, Matilde, only eleven days apart. I wrote about both deaths, but when I announced Matilde’s death, I shut off comments. I knew that news of my father’s death would elicit tremendous sympathy, but I feared that posting about my devastation at the passing of a 600 gram rodent (albeit one who had captured our hearts and given rise to our rescue charity) would also elicit ridicule. And at that point, if even one idiot had made fun of our grief over the death of Matilde, I would have been crushed. I got so many sincere notes from kind folks who read the post and were unable to comment that I opened up a later post. My own fear of being teased led me to be more mistrustful than might have been necessary. Continue reading ‘Modes of grieving: my father, Matilde, and disenfranchisement’

Christmas madness

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 11, 2008
in Fun, Holidays and Vanity
. 4 Comments

My lavender shirt may be askew and my hair unkempt, but I have a lot to say about Christmas in this video made by the Pasadena City Courier staff and one of my women’s history students, Polly. (I start at :45, but watch the whole thing, all the way to a final benediction in the end.)

Top Ten in 2008: the bottom half

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 11, 2008
in Top Ten in 2008
. 0 Comments

For the fifth consecutive year, I’m posting my top posts of the period from January to December. For the third time, I’m putting up ten of ‘em (it started with a more modest five); numbers 10 through 6 today, and numbers 5 down to 1 next week. I doubt in the next twenty days I’ll have a post worthy enough to make me want to change this list. I wrote several hundred posts this year, and these are five of the ones of which I am proudest.

10. The enemy of desire is duty: against the 30-Day sex challenge and “Relevant Church” (March 20) Excerpt:

I’ll be candid: I’d rather have great sex with my wife twice a month than average sex every night. And yes, if we push ourselves (out of guilt or duty) to be sexual every bloody night regardless of our physical or emotional state, one or both of us is going to end up sad or resentful or frustrated. Sex, at its best — and in my experience that “best” comes in an atmosphere of deep trust, love, commitment and desire — is soul-affirming as well as spine-tingling. No couple in a long-term relationship has exquisite sex every time. Sometimes it’s ecstatic, and other times, it’s just, well, a nice diversion. But while there’s room in any marriage for great sex and good sex and even “just okay” sex, there is never room for obligatory sex.

9. The longing to “jump the life to come”: some thoughts on Shakespeare, pregnancy scares, contraception, and romantic myths (October 29):

I remember that afterwards, as we lay together, my girlfriend said to me “We shouldn’t have done that, but I’m glad we did.” I nodded solemnly, feeling the anxiety in me grow by the second. “I feel so close to you, nothing between us”, she said, and held me tighter. I held her back, noting that though my panic was rising, so too was an enormous sense of calm — as long as she and I were together like this, we could take on the whole world. We could stand on that bank and shoal of time and jump — over everything. We were a team, indivisible and fused for ever. It was a happy feeling. Less than two months later, she had the abortion while I sat grimly in the waiting room of a doctor’s office.

8. Men, Mortality, Stewardship, Love (January 2) Excerpt:

But not only is it important to me that my lifestyle choices be as “cruelty-free” as possible — hence my veganism — it is also my moral obligation to do everything I can to make decisions that will maximize my longevity. I have people in my life who love me and depend upon me. And while I do not expect to live forever, when I do things that might shorten my life I treat my loved ones with callous disregard. This will become doubly true when I become a father. I won’t be a young Dad by any means. Those of us over forty who contemplate parenthood for the first time surely have a special responsibility to do as much as we reasonably can to ensure that we will be around for as long as possible.

7. Hair length, skirt length, body odor and a bulge in the jeans: what we should and shouldn’t say to loved ones (June 10) Excerpt:

If I came from a conservative family in which short skirts were frowned upon, I would share that information with a girlfriend before bringing her home to meet the clan. I wouldn’t make modesty a pre-condition, however. I would also distinguish — and this is crucial — between a temporary change in style out of deference to folks from another culture and a permanent change in style to accomodate a jealous or anxious romantic partner. There is a whopping difference between saying “Honey, I’d rather you not wear a vinyl mini-skirt to Thanksgiving dinner as it just ‘isn’t done’ in my family” and saying “I want you to stop wearing short skirts in public because I don’t want strange men looking at your legs when you go to work or school.” The former is about cultural propriety, the latter is about personal insecurity and sexual control. Sometimes, the line can be a bit fuzzier than this, but if the person making the request is rigorously honest about his or her own motives, we’re getting somewhere.

6. Hating to win more than fearing to lose: on competition, Hell’s Kitchen, and surviving in a broken world of finite rewards (July 9) Excerpt:

There are only so many prizes, so many championships, so many awards available. Some things in this broken world are finite. One of the many reasons why I was such a devout socialist in high school and college was out of a moral objection to brutal competition. Better that all have a little than some have much and others none — that was my reasoning then, and it is often still my emotional reasoning now. My left-wing politics were connected not only to a strong sense of justice but to a horror at the idea of living in a world where one person’s victory must mean another’s defeat. Little wonder that the only sport I’ve ever enjoyed competing in, distance running, is the sport of the single athlete competing against the clock rather than against another human being. And when I play ping-pong now, even in my forties, I still have to fight the tendency to “throw” a game when I am matched against a weaker opponent…

Sawing the rungs off the ladder

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 11, 2008
in Money and Pasadena City College
. 2 Comments

The California budget crisis is getting worse by the minute, the Los Angeles Times reports, and our dysfunctional legislature (hamstrung by a super-majority requirement to pass significant legislation) is engaging in pre-Christmas yammering and not much else.

There’s an air of anxiety here at the college, and it isn’t just on the part of students getting ready for final exams. The governor has made clear that there will certainly be major mid-year budget cuts as part of the coping strategy for the state’s massive deficit. This means that money already allocated — and in many cases spent — will be taken away from colleges, universities, and school districts up and down the state. In immediate terms, one of the worst things the state has done (though it may well have been necessary) is raise fees for our winter intersession from $20 to $26 per unit. Compared to those fees in other state community college systems, California’s are low; I understand the need to boost revenue. But the problem is that most of our students have already registered and paid for their winter session classes at the $20 price. It is now the college’s job, not the state’s, to track down each and every student and bill him or her for the remaining $6 per unit. If a student can’t cough up that extra money by the end of the second week of winter classes, he or she will be dropped. It’s added expense to hunt them down, and it’s embarrassing to us and burdensome to the students to add this special assessment onto what they already paid.

It is axiomatic that community college enrollments skyrocket when unemployment rises and the economy contracts. People come back to school for retraining in an ever-more competitive economy; those who might otherwise be tempted to leave college for well-paying jobs find that they are better off stickiing it out and picking up a degree or a certificate. Our enrollment this year is at record numbers, and the campus and its facilities are bursting at the seams.

Of course, precisely at the moment that we are most needed in order to help folks weather the recession, our budget gets slashed. At the moment demand increases, cutbacks will mean that we will be able to offer fewer classes rather than more. Adjunct faculty may find their contracts aren’t renewed, and though no one is yet daring to speak the word “lay-offs” for full-time professors, there is real fear that that day may yet come. Pasadena City College last laid off teachers in 1983; several of our most senior faculty members were around in that scary time and remember it well. Those of us who have seniority are a bit better insulated in terms of job protection, but our concern is not merely for ourselves or even our junior colleagues. Our concern is for the students we teach and the community we serve.

Community colleges are the ladder into the middle class for millions. What’s exasperating is that the rungs are only reinforced in times of plenty when they are least needed, and sawed off precisely at the moments that they are most desperately required. I have no solution, but lament the impact upon my students and more vulnerable colleagues.

Thursday Short Poem: Blacke’s “Husbandry”

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 11, 2008
in Poetry
. 0 Comments

I am a vegan, but the rest of my extended family isn’t. And for many years, we’ve had chickens at our family ranch in Northern California. They have a very nice henhouse, and our Rhode Island Reds have as good a life as we can provide. I may not eat their eggs (and have managed to get the family to stop killing the chickens whose laying days were over), but I enjoy visiting our hens whenever I can. This Sophie Cabot Black poem captures some of the excitement and anxiety that come with having a small family cluster of these precious and interesting creatures, living in the heart of rural California coyote country.

And someday, they’ll all be retired to Farm Sanctuary.

Husbandry

My solemn hens. Electric bulb, the door
Locked twice. To keep from hearing the promise of
Coyote we dream of the rooster claiming dawn

Even as he flees to the unknown forest.
But morning brings back what remains
And as I enter all eyes turn golden;

The autumn haunches shift. How quickly they forget
What I have already carried out.
My hand open as if I cannot understand

Why they are still here, the sun coming fast and against the wind
Each hunker down. Box by wooden box,
My fingers search for the egg, triumphant

Even in shit, little soul of perfection,
New and impossible, in a crown of straw.

More on women and alcohol

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 10, 2008
in Feminism and Reprints
. 6 Comments

Lots of folks in the feminist blogosphere are talking about this New York Magazine article bemoaning what appears to be an epidemic of female drunkenness: Should Gender Equality Extend to Drinking? It’s a mix of serious and thoughtful analysis with a bit of unnecessary hand-wringing (what on a blog is called “concern trolling.”) Lynn has a good round-up of reaction here.

And it’s my excuse to post a link to an old piece of mine on the subject: A Long Rant on Feminism, the Internalized Audience, and Alcohol. The title is overwrought, but the discussion below the post was very good. Comments there are closed, but are open here.

Oprah, weight, hubris, humility: on addictions we overcome, and the addictions we don’t

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 10, 2008
in Addiction and mental illness, Eating disorders and Food
. 20 Comments

Oprah Winfrey announced this week that she’s deeply “embarrassed” at having put on more than forty pounds in the past two years. Our nation’s most public and beloved yo-yo dieter, Oprah has been gaining and losing, gaining and losing, in front of hundreds of millions of people for more than two decades. She’s tried liquid diets, she’s worked with some of the world’s best trainers, she’s made the spiritual and psychological connection between eating and emotional needs. She’s done it over and over again, and — at least in her eyes — she’s “failed” at the task of overcoming what she sees as her addiction to food.

There’s a lot to unpack about Oprah in general, as well as her very public quest to be trim and fit. She deserves tremendous credit for her willingness to risk humiliation and to admit embarrassment; whether the issue is recovery from sexual abuse or overeating, Oprah has always been brave about connecting her private story to her public work. As someone who does the same thing (on a much smaller scale, with a blog and a classroom instead of a massive global franchise), I am repeatedly inspired by Oprah’s blend of raw ambition and near-naked transparency. That’s a rare combination, and it’s an enviable one.

From the standpoint of those of us interested in fighting “body fascism”, we could wish that Oprah could demonstrate greater self-acceptance. While on the one hand, it is perhaps comforting to some that even the powerful and the wealthy can suffer from low-esteem, to others Oprah’s plight makes their own struggle seem all the more hopeless. If Oprah, with all the vast resources at her disposal, cannot permanently overcome what she sees as a shameful addiction to food, who can? If Oprah, whose achievements have made her an icon (and, in the case of Barack Obama, perhaps something of a king-maker), still suffers from the pressure to live up to an unattainable ideal, doesn’t that make clear how utterly absurd and destructive it is for any of us to be chasing that ideal so relentlessly? These are questions worth asking. Continue reading ‘Oprah, weight, hubris, humility: on addictions we overcome, and the addictions we don’t’

Of labels and candor

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 9, 2008
in Bisexuality, Favorite Posts 2008, GLBTQ, Memories and Sexual ethics and transformation
. 23 Comments

We wrapped up my History 24F class (intro to Lesbian and Gay American History) yesterday. As I usually do in such a class, I asked the students what they would be taking away from the course now that the semester was over. Many expressed excitement at finally learning that “We have a history too”, and some who used the first-person plural of Queerness to describe themselves yesterday did so for the very first time publicly. More so than in past semesters of 24F, I’ve had a high number of students who openly identify as “bi” or “questioning”; a couple mentioned that while they had gained no particular new insight into their own identities and desires, they did feel more comfortable after the class living without a specific label. I’m always happy to hear that.

And of course, the students also asked me to talk about two things: why I teach this class, and how I identify sexually. I’ve answered the first, and part of the second question in writing in this post. I wrote two months ago:

I don’t always identify as straight. I’ve never liked the word much: I’m too conscious, in an evangelical Christian sense, of my own places of brokenness to feel comfortable calling myself “straight.” And calling myself “heterosexual” seems to imply a continued openness to other women in my life. I jokingly call myself “Eira-sexual”, using my wife’s name. It captures the essence of one basic goal of my private journey today, to direct as much of my sexual energy as possible into one relationship. But there’s no point in denying that from adolescence on, my desire has always been primarily directed towards women. That has given me a set of experiences that set me apart from most of my queer brothers and sisters, no matter how often homophobic slurs and threats have been sent my way. I know better than to presume that I can always put myself in the shoes of those whose identity and desires are at odds with what the dominant culture decrees right.

Of course I stand by that. But my use of adverbs is often problematic, and it was in that paragraph. Continue reading ‘Of labels and candor’

Where have all my roommates gone? Some thoughts on privilege and the post-college blues

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 8, 2008
in Academia, Relationships and Youth
. 17 Comments

From the “I am getting older, and here is further evidence” department: two of my former students, whom I remember as barely out of high school, are now teaching (philosophy and psychology) here at PCC. There are various markers of one’s ageing as a professor: the first students young enough to be your biological children (passed that years back), the first former students to emerge as one’s colleagues (hitting that this year.) Next stop: second-generation students, whose parents took my courses when those parents were of traditional college-age. I calculate I’m no more than five or six years away. I may be “only” 41, but I’m well into my sixteenth year of teaching here, approaching what I presume will be the halfway point of my career as a full-timer. And I say again, how lucky I was to be given a tenure-track job at 26!

Lately I’ve been hearing from a lot of former students (or youth groupers) of mine who are freshly out of college. Some are in graduate school, and some are trying to find their way in the professional world. And as is so often the case, many are struggling emotionally. This struggle is especially acute, I note, in some of those young people who had the most traditional middle-class American narrative. Many of the kids I mentored in the All Saints youth program moved away to go to college; many went to private schools (Smith, Swarthmore, Elon, Pomona, etc.) which featured very small, close-knit communities. They went from feeling loved and supported in high school by a very strong youth program to feeling loved and supported in a nurturing college community. And then, wham, graduation. They aren’t living at home anymore. They’re not in the dorm. They’re living in San Francisco or Brooklyn or West Hollywood in a tiny apartment trying to make ends meet. And not surprisingly, quite a few of them feel lost and lonely.

As far as some are concerned, I tell far too many stories about my exes (perhaps I just have too many about whom to tell things.) But I learned a lot from the women I dated, married, or lived with — and I might as well mine the often painful (as well as hilarious and pleasurable) material. My generally negative feelings about older men/younger women relationships are rooted in some small part in my own experience; in 1999, when I was 32, I dated a woman ten years my junior for about eight months, living with her for four. “K” was finishing up at a private four-year liberal arts college when we started dating (having met in spinning class). She lived in a huge house with half-a-dozen roommates, all also seniors, all finishing their college careers. They were a close-knit group who provided intense emotional and intellectual support. Continue reading ‘Where have all my roommates gone? Some thoughts on privilege and the post-college blues’

Jon Bruno profiled

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 6, 2008
in Anglican Communion
. 25 Comments

A nice story in the Arroyo Monthly: This Bishop’s No Pawn. I’ve known J. Jon Bruno, the Episcopal Bishop of Los Angeles, for many years. Long before he was elected the sixth bishop of one of the nation’s largest Anglican dioceses, I dated his daughter, quite seriously, for several months. During that relationship, I had many memorable theological and political discussions with the man who was then a canon of the cathedral; I remember a particularly animated chat about, of all things, the book of Jubilees. In any case, Bishop Bruno, a former police officer and Denver Bronco offensive lineman, is now one of the leading advocates for gays and lesbians in the entire Anglican Communion.

It’s a nice profile, but I especially appreciate Bruno’s loving dig at the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. The current holder of Thomas Becket’s office is a brilliant theologian, but more of a muddling temporizer in terms of his leadership of a disintegrating Communion. Bishop Jon says:

It’s time for [Archbishop Rowan Williams] to stop being Chamberlain and start acting like Churchill.

Not many bishops in the church of Christ have played professional football or killed a man in the line of duty; a gentle warrior, Jon Bruno knows how to mix it up. And I’m glad to know him, and glad to see his leadership in the fight for GLBTQ equality recognized.

The American Episcopal church is schisming. As I wrote in July, I don’t think that’s always a bad thing. Just as sometimes divorce is the best end to a marriage that has run its course, so too is schism (when conducted with civility and integrity) often the best way to remain faithful to one’s own understanding of God’s plan for Her church. The vision of the church that Jon Bruno has — a church that is inclusive, loving, and committed to healing — is one I am proud to share.

Centering women

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 6, 2008
in Feminism, Money and Politics
. 14 Comments

Barack Obama called this morning for a major public works investment. (As long as environmental concerns are given equal weight with job creation and transportation needs, I’m fine with the idea.) SusanG, who writes at Daily Kos, captures one aspect of Obama’s address today. Speaking about the fear generated by the current recession, Obama said:

Yesterday, we received another painful reminder of the serious economic challenge our country is facing when we learned that 533,000 jobs were lost in November alone, the single worst month of job loss in over three decades. That puts the total number of jobs lost in this recession at nearly 2 million.

But this isn’t about numbers. It’s about each of the families those numbers represent. It’s about the rising unease and frustration that so many of you are feeling during this holiday season. Will you be able to put your kids through college? Will you be able to afford health care? Will you be able to retire with dignity and security? Will your job or your husband’s job or your daughter’s job be the next one cut?

Your job, your husband’s job, your daughter’s job. Almost effortlessly offhand, and yet it centers women, as SusanG points out, in a speech that isn’t aimed at an exclusively “women’s issue”. SusanG:

In a speech about universal fears and hardship, he is addressing his primary listeners as women. Never have I heard sentence construction like that from a president — women addressed directly in a non-”women’s issues” setting as legitimate, fully fledged and very concerned and invested breadwinners. The effect is stunning.

Agreed. And no, my men’s rights advocate friends, this doesn’t mean men are being marginalized. Recognition that the economic angst touches everyone, including women, is long overdue.