Archive for the 'Having children' Category

On motherhood, choice, and the celebration of Agata Mroz

UPDATED Reminder about comments policy:

This comment thread is open to feminists and those who are feminist-friendly only. Thread-derailing to advance an anti-feminist agenda has no place here. I’ve been remiss in enforcing this recently, but am going to be better about it out now.

On the Fourth of July, KJ Lopez at the National Review Online offered up what she calls “A Good Girl Role Model”. (One assumes, after reading the piece and being familiar with K-Lo’s work, that the adjective “good” modifies “girl” rather than “role model”. Lopez is from that school of social conservatives who wish fervently that there were more “good girls” — in the classic sense — running around. Or, better yet in the right-wing world, not running around.)

Lopez tells us the story of Agata Mroz, a former Polish volleyball star who died of leukemia shortly after giving birth.

When Agata was 17, she was diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome, a collection of disorders that prevent the bone marrow from producing sufficient blood cells. Some forms of MDS progress to leukemia, and Agata’s did. In the prime of her sports career, Agata needed to take a sabbatical in 2007 to fight the disease. The first part of her treatment involved many blood transfusions. When her fans discovered that she needed blood, they formed a queue to be donors, giving 3,170 pints.

Her condition worsened as she was preparing to marry Jacek Olszewski on June 9, 2007, leaving her too ill to go on a honeymoon. Because of her illness, doctors cautioned her against getting pregnant, but she tried anyway. She was realistic about her slim prospects to beat the disease and, if she were going to die, she at least hoped to be able to give life.

She became pregnant soon after marrying. “The news about the child made me feel lucky again,” she said in a February news interview. “I felt happy that I would know what it is to be a mother and that I would give my husband something good of myself.”

A few weeks later, doctors discovered her cancer had progressed. They told her that she urgently needed a bone marrow transplant, but she opted to wait until after delivery to receive the transplant lest she imperil her child’s life. She clearly knew the risk she was taking, but considered the reward worth the danger, putting her child’s life above her own. She gave premature birth to a daughter, Lilliana, on April 4.

Agata died on June 4.

It’s a bittersweet story. Who among us would question Agata’s decision? She did what she wanted to do, making a conscious choice to get pregnant despite the huge risk and to forego lifesaving treatment in order to ensure her daughter’s well-being. I honor that choice as a good and valid one. I was moved reading the account Lopez shares.

But what is so infuriating is the clear sense that Agata’s decision wasn’t a choice, but a spiritual requirement for any woman who might find herself in a similar tragic predicament. For Lopez — and indeed, for many Catholics, a woman is required to put the life of her unborn child ahead of her own. It isn’t so much a “choice” as a divine mandate. Lopez’s piece concludes:

In his homily, the celebrant of the Mass, Bishop Marian Florczyk, said that Agata’s life is a witness of “love of life, motherhood, the desire to give life and the heroic love of an unborn child.”

It is all that. I’m not raining on Agata’s parade, of course. But Lopez doesn’t entitle her piece “A Mother’s Choice”. She calls it “A Good Girl Role Model”, driving home the point that young women ought to aspire to be as radically selfless as Agata to the point of de-valuing their own lives. Continue reading ‘On motherhood, choice, and the celebration of Agata Mroz’

After 25, it’s in bad taste to blame your parents for anything: some thoughts on Rebecca and Alice Walker, feminism, and the rage of the neglected child

Much discussion today of Rebecca Walker’s piece in the Daily Mail: How My Mother’s Fanatical Feminist Views Tore us Apart. Rebecca, daughter of Alice Walker (of the “Color Purple” and many other important feminist works) excoriates her mother in the Mail interview, done to promote (of course) her new book.

…my mother regards herself as a hugely maternal woman. Believing that women are suppressed, she has campaigned for their rights around the world and set up organisations to aid women abandoned in Africa - offering herself up as a mother figure.

But, while she has taken care of daughters all over the world and is hugely revered for her public work and service, my childhood tells a very different story. I came very low down in her priorities - after work, political integrity, self-fulfilment, friendships, spiritual life, fame and travel.

The publishing industry regularly proves right Freud’s theory about children’s murderous desires towards their parents. We have ooodles and ooodles of “tell-all” books written by the kids of the famous, in which they invariably “shatter the illusion” of the (usually same-sex) parent’s marvelous public persona. Folks never tire of buying the latest in the “Everyone-thought-Mum-was-God-but-to-me-and-my-pet-rabbit-she-was-Satan” genre, and Rebecca Walker offers us her version this spring. The hook, of course, is that Rebecca doesn’t just blame Alice — she blames feminism. Continue reading ‘After 25, it’s in bad taste to blame your parents for anything: some thoughts on Rebecca and Alice Walker, feminism, and the rage of the neglected child’

Teaching, teen moms, and false intimations of tragedy: a response to Will Okun

This short Will Okun piece in the New York Times on teen pregnancy has gotten some strong reactions, here and here and here for starters. Okun teaches English in inner-city Chicago:

It happens too often. A female student approaches my desk, says “Mr. Okun?”, and and whispers the two words no adult wants to hear from a teenager: “I’m pregnant.” I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to shake her with anger. What have you done? Life is not hard enough already? Is it over, have you given up? What about finishing high school? What about college? What about your own dreams? What about enjoying the last of your own childhood? How can you parent a child when you are just a child yourself? How will you support your baby, how will you support yourself? Where is the man, will he be here next year? Will I see you and your baby coldly waiting alone for a city bus that will not come? Please look me in the eye and tell me you know what you have done.

Although her news disappoints me, I try to react without emotion or judgment. “What are you going to do?” I ask. But if she has already told me she is pregnant, we both already know. “I am going to have it,” she replies. I used to argue for abortion, which only enraged us both. At this point, what is done is done. All I can do now is offer her my unconditional support. I will give her a referral to counseling and pre-natal care and keep my personal frustrations and opinions to myself.

Inevitably, a few months later I will be invited to take photographs at the baby shower. I go because I like the student and I want to show that I support her and her family on this joyous occasion. But, in some cases, are we celebrating tragedy?

Well, Will, you get points for no longer “arguing for abortion.” (Just FYI, bud, there’s a rather nasty history of well-meaning whites encouraging poor women of color to have abortions. Glad you’re no longer one of them. Eugenicists are often well-meaning do-gooders.) But man, Will, you really don’t get it.

Let me be clear I don’t think teen pregnancy is a “good idea”. That said, I’ve spent more time than you might imagine with teenage mothers and their extended family. My wife and I have two nieces, both of whom became moms before they were eighteen years old. My wife and I will meet our newest great-nephew this coming weekend. Neither of our nieces are married to the fathers of their children. Both young moms are now living with relatives, both are working. And when it comes to parenting, my nieces are pretty damn good mothers. They are surrounded by a multi-generational community of experienced care-givers. Their children are not being raised in isolation, but with a surprising amount of community support.

I’ve been to baby showers for many a teenage mom in my day. I’ve also quietly helped pay for an abortion for a teenage girl who wanted one and who confided in me. Though I do everything I can as a mentor and a youth leader and a teacher to encourage a culture of informed decision-making (especially around sex), I understand that a very large number of teenagers are going to have unprotected intercourse for a very wide variety of reasons. And when some of them get pregnant, as they invariably will, there are no perfect options. Abortion is one choice (it was the one my girlfriend and I chose when we were teens with college plans). Adoption is another. And having the baby and keeping it is the third. Continue reading ‘Teaching, teen moms, and false intimations of tragedy: a response to Will Okun’

“Something I can never back out of”: some reflections on the prospect of having kids

There’s a rich and at times heated debate going on in the thread below this post. Most of the folks weighing in are parents, something I’m obviously not, so I’m largely staying out of the discussion. One participant, Kate, does ask:

Hugo - it sounds as if you and your wife are considering having children. How are you expecting/hoping children to change your lives?

Yes, my wife and I are considering having children, though we aren’t expecting any at the moment. Yes, we talk a great deal about having children. And yes, there’s some ambivalence on both our parts about becoming parents.

When I share that I’ve been married four times without having children with any of my ex-wives (or the half-dozen other women I lived with), some folks are a bit surprised. Statistics alone would suggest that I ought to have produced at least one or two. It’s a blessing, of course, that I never had children with any of my exes. I think all three of my ex-wives would have made fine mothers, but judging by my own emotional state at the time I was married to at least the first two, I would have been a catastrophically bad father.
Continue reading ‘“Something I can never back out of”: some reflections on the prospect of having kids’

More on staying home, parenthood, responsibility and trust

Lots of discussion below my reprint of this old post.

My point in the original was not to elevate “stay-at-home motherhood” above other choices a young woman might want to make. Of course, when college-age women express a desire to “stay home with (their) kids”, those of us who are feminists are right to dig a bit deeper to discover the roots of that longing. As we’ve all pointed out eighteen times before, choices are always exercised inside of a cultural construct that teaches us that some choices are better than others. (This is why, for example, lots of women get their noses made smaller and very few get them made bigger — cosmetic surgery is in some sense a choice, but it is a choice heavily influenced by a lot of cruel and often racist aesthetic standards.) And when a young woman who has grown up hearing “mothers who work outside the home when their kids are small are selfish” says “I don’t want to be one of those selfish working women”, feminists are right to start up a discussion lickety-split!

But of course, it infantilizes women to say that the gal who longs to be a wife and a mother rather than an independent businesswoman is victimized by a patriarchal understanding of gender roles. There are choices that are made in order to please others, and there are choices we make out of our own deep desires (perhaps so deep that they are below the level that is influenced by culture). And while social conservatives often elevate the “stay-at-home wife” above all other roles for women (think of Dr. Laura’s tiresome “I am my kids’ mom”), progressives are sometimes unwilling to accept the desire to stay at home and be the primary caregiver as a legitimate want. (Think of the huge proliferation of guilt-inducing books about working and motherhood that have appeared just within the past two years!)

And of course, a significant component of the feminist project lies in liberating men to have far better relationships with their children than they may have had in earlier eras. The “separate spheres” ideology of the nineteenth century (it isn’t older, contrary to popular opinion) placed child-rearing solely in women’s hands, and earning solely in men’s. And while of course many women worked for money (in and out of the home) while raising their own children, historically far fewer working men took on an equal share of childcare.

If I’ve given the impression that I encourage stay-at-home motherhood while not also encouraging men to consider taking on the role of primary caregiver, I’m sorry. A key aspect of pro-feminist men’s work is encouraging young men to rethink the role of “father”. Many guys I work with do (when they feel they’re in a safe space) admit that they’ve fantasized about “staying home with the kids” while their partners worked outside the home. Of course, some of these lads haven’t the foggiest idea how much backbreaking work is involved in child-rearing. But some — often those who grew up in single-parent households — have a very clear idea of how much work and care is involved, and they still believe that they’re up to the task. It’s important for feminists to encourage men to develop and explore this often-atrophied capacity to nurture. And it’s important that we work to dispel the stigma society still attaches to a man who longs to be a “house husband.”

In a two-parent household — something that remains for many the ideal — women’s freedom to “stay home” is, of course, contingent on male reliability. While there are far fewer two-parent households where wives work outside the home while the men provide childcare, the reverse is true in those instances. It’s not a stretch to say that “staying home” without a steady independent income places one in a vulnerable position. Traditionally, it’s been women who’ve been in that vulnerable place — and that lack of autonomy has often meant women were not able to escape abusive or philandering husbands. Equal access to financial resources is a defense against being trapped. Anecdotally, I’d say one whopping reason why so many of my students don’t want to “stay home” is because of that justifiable fear of being unable to leave a disastrous marriage.

Does this mean that I’m returning to the tired old line that “all feminism is rooted in a disappointment in men”? No. Even if every man were willing and eager to be a devoted and faithful husband and father (and even if our economy permitted a working-class father to support an entire family on his salary), I don’t believe that the majority of women would gleefully abandon all of their public ambitions for the bliss of diapers and casseroles. Women’s desire for a public role is not a singular response to a frustration with unreliable men. But there’s no question that fears about male reliability play a part in some women’s decision-making about when and whether to marry, or whether to have children without a male partner with whom to raise them. Feminists thus do well to focus both on women’s liberation and male transformation.

My wife and I are both committed to raising our future children together. We both have flexible schedules, nearby relatives, and the resources to have some help. How the division of labor will break down when a child arrives remains to be seen, but I have every intention of being a competent and enthusiastic care-giver, wiper of vomit, changer of diapers. And how fatherhood and its responsibilities impacts my views will surely be a subject of a future blog post!

Note: This post is open for commenting only for those who are feminist-friendly.

Final Summer Reprint: Young women’s dreams, choices, Yeats

I won’t be reprinting any more oldies again this summer, as a regular posting schedule resumes on Monday. Alas, the links in the post below no longer work.

This post originally appeared Friday, March 11, 2005.

Stephanie links to this article in yesterday’s IndependentDesperate to be housewives: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums.   An excerpt:

Research into the attitudes of 1,500 women with an average age of 29
found that 61 per cent believe "domestic goddess" role models who
juggle top jobs with motherhood and jet-set social lives are
"unhelpful" and "irritating". More than two-thirds agree that the man
should be the main provider in a family, while 70 per cent do not want
to work as hard as their mother’s generation. On average, the women
questioned want to "settle down" with their partner by 30 and have
their first child a year later.

Vicki Shotbolt, deputy chief executive of the National Family and
Parenting Institute, said: "This is the generation of young women who
have seen the ‘have it all’ ethos up close and personal, and they have
realised that it doesn’t work.

"Their own mothers may have tried to juggle motherhood and careers,
and it may have been the children who feel they lost out … I think
women really are coming of age now, and are accepting that it is
virtually impossible to have it all."

Stephanie writes in response:

I would have to agree, it’s very hard to try and have it all. In some
ways, I think I may have given up on the dream myself. That is a
problem. But I think the either/or solution we’ve resigned ourselves to
seems more likely to breed resentment than anything else. I don’t see
much point in agreeing that the best way to organize society is for men
to be the breadwinners and women the childrearers. That just
potentially limits everyone to a lifetime of unfulfillment. I know from
experience that unhappy parents make lousy parents so I’d argue that
doesn’t do the kids much good either.

I’m always encouraged when folks start questioning false dichotomies, as Stephanie does here.  One important role feminists play in society is that of dreaming out loud; it’s vital that we have change agents questioning whether the given paradigm ought to be accepted as is.  And in terms of social policy, it’s clear that much can be done to make it possible for both men and women to better balance family and work obligations.

That said, the title of the article bugged me.  Obviously, it’s a riff on the TV show "Desperate Housewives."   But I see nothing in the article that says that these young women actually want to return to the "1950s." (For what it’s worth, I’m tired of both sides in the culture war dragging in the 1950s.  Conservatives need to stop idealizing it; progressives need to stop demonizing it.  It was one decade, folks, and a complex and interesting one at that.)  More to the point, why is it that we assume that the yearning for marriage and motherhood is somehow defective?   

Feminists are often tarred as "anti-family", a charge that is, in general absurd.  Most feminists desperately want to strengthen families by giving parents more time, more choices, more state and social support.  But it’s true that among at least some in the women’s movement (and their male allies), there remains an ugly, patronizing, dismissiveness towards young women who genuinely aspire to marriage and motherhood.   Mark, who commented at Stephanie’s place, wrote:

A disturbingly high number of women in college (at least in SE Ohio/N
Kentucky), do not want to work after graduating…

(Bold emphasis is mine.)  This raises the question, is college really only about preparing people for the work force?  (I sure hope not, because I have no idea how next week’s lecture on the Peloponnesian War is going to help anyone.)  What about college as an opportunity to engage new ideas, a place to be challenged, and a time to discover what one really wants?  And what about the possibility that some rational, intelligent, interesting and creative young women might conclude "Hey, the more I think about it, the more I realize that nothing is likely to be more fulfilling to me than raising a family."  Why must we assume that she is a victim of low expectations?  Is it not possible that such women have weighed their options, considered their choices, and made a heartfelt decision?  As feminists and pro-feminists, should we not be interested in empowering young women to live out their hopes and dreams?

More specifically, are we so sure that if high-quality, subsidized day-care was widely available, every woman who wishes to stay home would suddenly change her mind?  Mind you, I’m a big believer in high-quality, low-cost day care!  But I’ve known enough women who could afford the best day-care, and chose to stay home anyway, to know that not all mothers approach the issue in precisely the same manner. 

I’ve written a few times that I want to raise up young feminists and pro-feminists.  I want my female students to be aware of the tremendous, varied possibilities for their lives that may not have existed for their mothers and fore-mothers.  I want them to challenge themselves and take risks.  But I don’t presume to tell them that a high-paying career in the workforce is superior to building a loving home and raising children.  My goal is not to empower them to live out an ideological agenda; my goal is to empower them to lead lives that will be both personally fulfilling and socially beneficial.  I don’t know what each one of them will find fulfilling, but I am damn sure that different choices will please different people in different ways.  And to those young women who want to prioritize children over career and marriage over management, I say "Good on you."  It’s the same exact thing I’ve said to young women who pledge never to marry, and devote their lives to public service.  But when it comes to the future dreams of my students, I will not create a hierarchy of wants, in which certain desires are validated and others are shamed.  To do so would go against everything I have been taught that real feminism is.

And you know, when it comes to time and children and life itself, we really can’t have it all our way all the time.  I know it’s Friday, but the best lines on this subject come from the great W.B. Yeats:

The intellect of man is forced to choose
perfection of the life, or of the work,
And if it take the second must refuse
A heavenly mansion, raging in the dark.
When all that story’s finished, what’s the news?
In luck or out the toil has left its mark:
That old perplexity an empty purse,
Or the day’s vanity, the night’s remorse.

It’s clear where Yeats’ sympathies lie.  And mine.

 

Why divorce is scarier than unwed motherhood: some thoughts on class, children, autonomy, marriage and “Promises I Can Keep”

A little over a month ago, I picked up a copy of Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. I heard about it from Lauren, who wrote a long post about the book by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas. Lauren was inspired by a review of “Promises” written by Bitch Ph.D.

This is a powerful and important book. There are few groups in our society more consistently stigmatized than poor women (of any race, but particularly non-white women) who have children out of wedlock. Those of us in the middle class make a wide variety of assumptions about the motivations of the women who do become unwed teen mothers. Some of the assumptions are cruel in their falsehood (think of the “welfare queen” stereotype perpetuated by President Reagan). Others are both benign and clueless, such as the assumption that “these girls” just don’t know about birth control. And of course, in most such discussions, the role of the males who father these children is ignored.

One of the best aspects of “Promises I Can Keep” (and this gets touched on by both Lauren and Bitch Ph.D.) is its authors’ insight into how poor women interpret getting pregnant and having a child at a young age.

As I’ve blogged more than once, I got my high school girlfriend pregnant. We were very much in love; she was my “first” in every sense of the word. We knew about birth control, of course, but our use of protection was at best intermittent. When she got pregnant, we briefly fantasized about keeping the baby, about getting married, or about putting the baby up for adoption. But I was getting ready to go off to college, and she had another year of high school ahead of her. We both had dreams and plans and expectations that would have been derailed by a child. My girlfriend knew perfectly well that even if we chose adoption, carrying the baby to term would mean missing school, public embarassment (from which I would be conveniently immune), and it would mean the heart-wrenching surrender of a child she had carried for nine months. At barely sixteen, she was understandably not ready for all that. She had an abortion, and I was with her — as much as any man can be with a woman — as she went through it.

But of course, abortion appeared like the best alternative at the time because we both wanted and expected college. Our social class and our privilege made terminating the pregnancy the best possible option, because having a child would (especially in my girlfriend’s case) mean an end to (or at least a severe postponement of) of our ambitions. For many poor wonen, there are no social expectations of college and career to be derailed. The appeal of an abortion is thus considerably diminished.

Indeed, Edin and Kefalas point out that many poor women have a “radically different view” of abortion:

Virtually no women we spoke with believed it was acceptable to have an abortion merely to advance an educational trajectory… most believe that abortion is ‘the easy way out’ To them, ‘doing the right thing’ or ‘taking care of your responsibilities’ means bringing the pregnancy to term. And adoption is, to almost all, simply out of the question — it is generally viewed as ‘giving away’ your ‘flesh and blood.’

(My parents and my girlfriends’ parents both knew about the abortion — and they all said we were “doing the right thing.”)

The other fascinating part of the book I want to blog about today is the attitude that so many poor women in the study have towards marriage. Far from being contemptuous of the institution, the women whom Edin and Kefalas interview have an almost reverent attitude:

Poor women almost universally believe that marriage should be for life, and deride others who ‘get married just to get divorced.’ Most believe that marriage vows are sacred and ought to be held in the highest regard.

What’s fascinating, of course, is that the fear of divorce is much greater than the fear of having a child while still an unmarried teenager. That’s absolutely the reverse of how those of us raised in the comfortable, secular middle-class view the two issues. While most people in my social milieu weren’t divorced three times by thirty-five and married four times by forty as I was, more than half of the marriages in my extended family have ended in divorce in the past four decades. During that time, no woman in my entire extended family (and I am thinking now of dozens and dozens of second, third, and even fourth cousins) has had a child out of wedlock. During that time, only one woman in my family (a token evangelical) has had a child before at least the age of 27. We have had more babies born to women over 35 and even 40 than to women under 30.

So the secular WASPy middle-class might be accused of having a cavalier attitude towards marriage, though no one I know, including myself, got married “just to get divorced.” (I always expected my marriages to last, even though the first three all ended before the second anniversary.) We know that divorce is difficult and painful, but also entirely survivable. Having a child before one is grounded in a career and financially prepared to care for it seems infinitely more frightening to Our Kind of People than a failed marriage. (Or two. Or three.)

What’s helpful to me about a book like this is that it offers invaluable insight into what is, for me, a remarkably alien world. My feminism is sincere, but it’s also thoroughly white, and upper-middle class. Though my Christian faith reminds me that community is not unimportant, my feminism sees independence, personal responsibility, and autonomy as three essential components of human happiness. I want the young men and women with whom I work to become kind, thoughtful, educated and independent people. I want them to be well-educated, and exposed to ideas other than those with which they were raised. My classes at the community college, after all, are filled with single mothers in their teens, twenties and thirties. I see how exhausted and burdened they are. I honor their sacrifices, but I want their example to be cautionary!

But this book reminds me — as do many of my feminist colleagues — that not all young women are eager to embrace this feminist vision of personal autonomy. What I see as liberation, they see as alienation from the familiar (in both senses of the word). And rightly, they know that in the current economic climate, the odds of achieving real prosperity (the sort that enables a life of privileged individualism) are far too long. “Promises I Can Keep” makes the case that these young women who choose to raise their children outside of marriage aren’t nearly as short-sighted as many of us in the prosperous middle class tend to believe. What we often see as “failures of imagination” or an “inability to escape a dysfunctional culture”, these women often see as the best and most rational choices they can make given the options available.

So it’s an interesting question to ask young women:

Which seems to you more frightening?
1. having a child while young and unmarried
2. getting married and then divorced.

For the affluent middle-class, #1 is the easy and obvious answer. But for a great many others, it’s clear that the second is perceived as a much more significant, and thus scarier, personal failure. I’m going to find a way to work this discussion in to my women’s studies classes soon.

Outsourcing justice

I can usually count on my blog-crush, Chris Clarke, to get me thinkin.’ And he does that today with a great post up at Pandagon: Quality of whose life, again? Citing naturist, philosopher, novelist and poet Wendell Berry’s fondness for having all of his work typed by his wife, Chris points out that too frequently, the burden of living “slow”, of living “off the grid”, of living a life of “environmental purity” often places a disproportionate burden on to women:

What decisions are environmentalist citizens asked to make? Choosing the green laundry detergent and toilet paper and buying organic groceries. Carrying cloth bags to the supermarket. Using non-toxic cleansers. Adding corporate citizenship to one’s list of brand loyalty factors and schlepping the Seafood Buying Guide around. Sorting trash into the proper containers for recyclables, compost, and landfilling.

Of course, we men carry all those containers to the curb, which perfectly balances the division of labor. But then you add Environmentalism 2.0 to the mix, and you have the Slow Food (read: hours spent in the kitchen) and Local Food (read: hours spent shopping) movements, and with that kind of scheduling pressure a woman likely wouldn’t even have enough time left in the day to type up her husband’s poetry.

Yikes.

Since my wife joined me in strict veganism (and she jumped in “cold tofu”, skipping from eating red meat one week to full-on vegan the next without any of the traditional stages in between) we eat out a lot less. The number of restaurants to which we can go has been cut, even in greater Los Angeles, by 90%. With one or two exceptions, the local fast food options are all off the table now. We spend much more money at the supermarket than we used to; we are using the pots and pans more; we are eating out less. All of this is great for the health of the household. But it does do exactly what Chris worries it will — put extra pressure on both my wife and me to avoid falling into traditional gender roles.

The nice thing about eating out all the time was that, well, my wife and I contributed exactly the same amount of labor to the process. Pulling out the Amex and signing the bill is not a labor-intensive activity. The people who made our food and cleaned up our dishes were invariably invisible to us, and we assuaged any small sense of guilt about being waited on by giving good tips. But we eat out less these days, and that means more work for both of us.

My wife made a wonderful stew on Tuesday night, loaded with sauerkraut and potatoes (among other goodies). I packed it into tupperware after we had eaten, and I had one portion for lunch yesterday, another today, and another tomorrow. Yes, I washed dishes and packed leftovers away. But my wife still ended up doing a bit more work than I did that particular evening.

I know well enough that “real feminism begins at home”. If my commitment to egalitarianism isn’t matched in what I do around the house, then all of my public pronouncements are built on a foundation of fraud and hypocrisy. And as Chris cheekily points out, men who think they’re “doing their share” by dealing only with the outside things (like washing the car, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash) often have no sense of just how much less time these traditionally male activities require than the “inside” chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry) that we think of as largely female.

I’m going through a particularly ascetic period these days. I’m drinking a lot of vegan shakes (which come prepacked), I’m eating a lot of raw spinach, lots of trail mix, lots of soy yogurt (with some nice live cultures), lots of vegan organic food bars. Only once in a while am I eating anything that takes much time to prepare. This limited diet has the benefit of being quick and easy, but I’m aware that it’s hardly to everyone’s taste. More importantly, as my wife and I consider having children, we have no intention of raising our kids on little baggies of almonds, pumpkin seeds, and spinach leaves. At some point, our environmentalist and animal-rights commitments will demand that we take even more time than many other parents do to meet our children’s needs for variety and pleasure as well as ethical nutrition. And I’m going to have to work doubly hard not to fall prey to the Wendell Berry phenomenon, where my commitment to the most humane lifestyle possible ends up creating much more work for other people!

So this summer, it’s vegan cooking classes for me. Maybe with my wife, maybe not. But I’ll be danged if I’m going to outsource my justice.

A longer and wandering post about the “involuntarily childless”, social policy, and men

All the British papers this weekend were focused on the "fertility crisis."  The Observer warns:

Britain is suffering a baby ’shortage’ with potentially disastrous consequences as work pressures force young women to shelve plans for a family, according to dramatic new research urging an £11bn campaign to boost parenthood.

Women have not turned against becoming mothers and, if they could have the number of children they actually wanted, more than 90,000 extra babies a year would be born, according to calculations by the respected think-tank, the Institute for Public Policy Research.

But the report says the professional and financial penalties of childbearing - a mid-skilled 24-year-old who gives birth will earn £564,000 less over her lifetime than a childless counterpart, as motherhood narrows her career options - mean many are delaying pregnancy until it may be too late to conceive.

The ‘baby gap’ emerging between maternal desire and reality now threatens a demographic crisis as too few children are born to support future elderly dependants, the study warns.

On the one hand, we’ve been hearing this sort of thing in the USA for a while now, though our demographics are certainly different from those in the UK and in continental Europe.  On the other hand, let me make it clear that I liked the tone of the report in the (gently leftish) Observer.   So much of the debate about marriage and motherhood in this country seems to involve social conservatives bemoaning what they see as the "selfishness" of younger women today.  In the American argument, feminism is often blamed as a chief culprit for declining birth rates; women seduced by false notions of independence and autonomy peddled by those of us in the feminist establishment are robbing themselves and all of society of the product of their wombs.

But the argument in Britain, at least in the responsible press, is couched in different terms.  The opening line of the article quoted above blames not feminism or individual women, but "work pressures" and the "professional and financial penalties of childbearing" as the source of the problem of declining fertility.  Even more importantly, the study that the Observer and other British papers relied on bases its claim on the desires of real women.  According to this British study, women would want to have more children — and perhaps have them earlier — if the financial and professional costs to childbearing weren’t so high and so disproportionately born by women.

One of the goals of feminism, of course, is to make motherhood a choice.  Freud — and many social conservatives in the culture wars — claim that biology is destiny; to these folks,  it is only through motherhood that a woman realizes her fullest potential as a human being.  According to this perspective, an unused uterus is a tragic missed opportunity that a childless woman will invariably deeply regret as she moves past her reproductive years.  Feminism rejects that claim, even as it honors those women who do choose to be mothers.  Yes, I’m well aware that from time to time, some isolated voices in the feminist community have expressed hostility towards all reproductive behavior, but they are in the minority.  Feminism objects to legal, cultural, or social compulsion towards motherhood, not towards motherhood that is freely and eagerly chosen.

So on the one hand, part of vital feminist work has to be ensuring that women understand that they do have choices.  It is important to make clear that happiness is possible outside of a relationship with a man, or outside of bearing children.  Heck, this is even a biblical position!  Paul encouraged young women not to marry or have children, recognizing that what matters above all else is a relationship with Christ, not with spouse or children.

At the same time, we’ve got to be equally concerned with making motherhood a more viable option for those women who would like to have children while also having professional lives outside the home.  While some women who express a longing for children may be doing so to comply with family or social expectations, others are no doubt expressing a powerful internal desire.  It’s a desire we’ve got to listen to, and as the British report suggests, a desire we need to respond to in concrete ways.  From the Observer article:

Jenny Watson, head of the Equal Opportunities Commission, said the ‘baby gap’ partly reflected women changing their minds or not meeting the right man. But she added: ‘It should tell us that we don’t have a very family-friendly culture, and it should concern us.’

Britain has ‘too many women remaining involuntarily childless’, the report concludes, while high fertility and early childbirth is ’systematically associated with severely reduced prospects’.

So encouraging early marriage and large families (the conservative suggestion) isn’t, in and of itself, an adequate response.  The conservative argument is that what the report calls "reduced prospects" are really just the trappings of success in a materialistic society.  Women should come to terms early with the notion that they will have to make hard choices, and "reduced prospects" are the inevitable price that must be paid for the far more sublime and enduring delights of bearing and raising children.  Feminists respond by rejecting what they see as a false dichotomy; only in a society where there are no communal and governmental responsibilities for helping families raise children will women be forced to choose between motherhood and independence.

I’m haunted by the phrase "involuntarily childless."  I think of my own students, to whom I often pose the question: "when is the right age to have children, and how will that fit into your future career plans?"  Many of them don’t take the risk of infertility seriously (it’s amazing that many do assume that getting pregnant at 38 is going to be every bit as easy as getting pregnant at 18); others don’t yet grasp how brutal the demands of simultaneously pursuing motherhood and career can be. Of course, we who teach have an obligation to be honest with our young women about biological realities.  But we also have an obligation to get them to question a system that forces the sort of unhappy choices that so many women seem to be making according to this British study.

The study suggests a variety of responses:

The Institutes for Public Policy Research urges government intervention to raise the birth rate by making working parenthood more appealing to both mothers and fathers.

It advocates free nursery places for two-year-olds, paternity leave paid at 90 per cent of a man’s salary, and three months of paid parental leave to be taken at any point before the child is five, with one month reserved for fathers. That would cost up to £11bn a year by 2020 - about £183 for every British man, woman and child.

As a pro-feminist man, I’m especially heartened by the call for greater paternity leave.  If government policy is to be effective in creating a culture in which women can "have it all", it’s clear that fathers will have to be a critical part of the solution.  The rewards for men — particularly in terms of a closer and more intimate relationship with their very young children — are obvious, and, to my mind, exciting.  I’d love the idea of taking a semester off — at 90% pay — to stay at home with a future child while my wife worked full-time.  I haven’t had children of my own, but I know how I feel about the little ones who belong to my family and friends. I’ve never accepted — not for a damned second — that my biology makes me less inclined to nurture and love, and I’d love to see more policy that honors that potential within me and within other fathers.  With greater commitment from the state and from fathers, we can help to move past the dilemma so evocatively described in the IPPR study.

The almost sperm donor: an anecdote

First off, this new picture is of me with my darling sister.  This is not my wife (I’ve had four emails making that false assumption since last night)!  I’ve added a caption to make it clear.

Russell Fox has a nice post on progressive Christianity up, and he quotes from my post last Friday on the same subject. 

The still-active thread below my Wendy Wasserstein post has turned to the topic of the ethics of donating sperm.  In the absence of an argument, let me share an anecdote.

When I was a 20 year-old undergraduate at Berkeley, I saw an ad for sperm donors in the Daily Cal.  The ad promised $50-100 per week, and I wandered down to a little medical clinic on University Avenue to ask more questions.  I went in to a comfortable, modern little office, and was promptly asked to fill out a long form about my medical and family history, as well as about my academic background and personal appearance.  I was then handed a plastic cup with a lid (like those used to collect urine samples, and directed to a little room.  I "made a deposit" (the phrase used by the woman behind the counter), handed over the cup, and was told to call back later for results.  After all, I needed to find out if my sperm was "fit" enough!

I went back to my co-op, and because my ability to keep secrets at that time was nil, promptly shared my adventure with my housemates.  At dinner that night, I had about a dozen folks, men and women, weighing in on the subject of sperm donation.  Some encouraged me to continue to do it if I was accepted, while others warned me against it.  Some pointed out something in the brochure I hadn’t noticed:  regular "donors" were expected to "contribute" two to three times a week, and ought not to have ejaculated for 48 hours prior to the "donation."  (I don’t know if this is still the rule, but it was the requirement back in 1987.)  Explaining the math (my weak point then and now), my friends noted that that would put a serious crimp in my private life with my girlfriend!

But it was my housemate "Letty" who changed my mind for good.  Letty was a devout Catholic, and I was — at this time — on the cusp of converting.  She had been mentoring me in the faith, and though nothing romantic ever transpired between us, Letty and I were very close.  She gave me reading lists of Catholic books, and took me to mass at the Newman Centre.  Letty didn’t join in the teasing at dinner, but after the meal, asked to speak with me alone.  She talked with me about how I would feel in years to come, wandering down the street and looking curiously into children’s faces, never knowing if one might be my child.  "I know you, Hugo", Letty said; "That thought will haunt you forever."  She also gave me the standard but compelling spiel about the real meaning of conception.  Contrary to what I wrote in my Wasserstein post, Letty convinced me that each conceived child ought to be conceived in an act of marital love, with the promise that two loving parents would raise that which they created together.  She was so winsome and compelling, she had me nearly in tears.  And she changed my mind.  I never called the sperm bank to find out if they wanted me to be a regular donor.

Yes, the fear of not being able to have a regular sex life scared me.  But even though I was not living according to the Catholic ideal of premarital chastity, I still was moved by Letty’s thoughtful defense of church teaching about conception.  I was moved, too, by the very real fear of having children whose names I would never know, and whose strange yet familiar faces I might gaze at on the street with a mixture of dread and eagerness.

I haven’t worked out a coherent set of beliefs about artificial insemination.  But I am so glad I didn’t become a regular donor back in 1987.  Had I done so, some of my current frosh might literally be my children, a thought too strange and terrifying to contemplate for long.

Quick note about nepotism

First off, I’ve posted a few pics from this past weekend’s reunion.

I’m about to get myself in trouble again.   As regular readers know, I helped develop PCC’s consensual relationships policy last year.  (See here.)  Now, I’ve been asked by the Academic Senate to chair a related committee looking into revamping the college’s "nepotism" policy.  The problem is that some of my colleagues don’t want to prohibit what I consider to be one of the most flagrant examples of nepotism: having one’s own children enrolled in one’s classes, and grading their work.

I’ve been adamant about the issue of consensual amorous relationships.  I don’t think it’s possible for a professor to evaluate fairly the work of his or her spouse or lover.   Even if it were possible (and I don’t think it is), the simple perception of wrongdoing that would arise in the minds of the other students is reason enough to consider such relationships between teachers and current students to be inadvisable and unethical.  In the years we spent developing the policy (between 2001-2004), my colleagues and I encountered some opposition to the idea of banning faculty-current student romantic and sexual relationships, but most folks on campus seemed supportive.

But here at the community college, I can think of several examples — from within my own department — of young people enrolled in a parent’s course.  One of my colleagues has taught three of her four children in recent years.  This problem is much more common at a community college than it might be at a four-year school, where many students are living away from home.  At PCC, a large percentage of our students still live with Mom or Dad, and in more than a few instances, are being taught by Mom or Dad.

I’ve been making the argument for years that teaching and evaluating one’s children is analogous to teaching and grading one’s lovers.  I see no reason to believe that you can be fairer to your child than to your sexual partner.  What’s more, while it is at least theoretically possible to keep one’s romantic affairs a secret, it’s utterly impossible to disguise the fact that one student is your son or daughter!  And again, there’s the issue of perception: it doesn’t ultimately matter whether or not you can separate family loyalties from the quality of a student’s work; what matters is whether or not other students perceive a bias.

I’ve been candid about my own reasons for getting involved in developing a consensual relationships policy.  I’ve admitted past wrongdoing in this area, and I’ve made amends.  But a few of my colleagues are vigorously defending the idea that while it may be unethical to teach a lover, it is perfectly acceptable to assign grades to one’s own children.  I am dumbfounded, failing to understand the reasoning that suggests that there is ultimately anything less offensive about having one’s child in class than having one’s sexual partner.  In informal discussions with other colleagues, I have found that the majority take my side and support the idea of a ban on PCC faculty members teaching and evaluating the work of their own children.  Such a ban, like the consensual relationships policy, would not involve any retroactive discipline for those who had taught their kids in the past.  But it would draw a clear and bright line for the future.

I’m curious to know what my readers think.   Do you agree with me that teaching one’s kids is as unethical and problematic, both in terms of evaluation and perception, as teaching one’s sexual and romantic partners?  If not, why not?  Am I missing something here, perhaps because I am not yet a parent?  In the meantime, while I await your responses, I’m going to work hard to make sure that the nepotism policy comes down as firmly as possible against the practice of profs teaching and grading their own children.

Britney and Bethany

I’ve been thinking a bit today about Britney Spears.  As the whole world knows by now, Britney is pregnant, and is probably at least three months along.  (According to Kabbalah, which Britney studies, it’s considered spiritually unwise to announce a pregnancy before 90 days after conception.  Frankly, regardless of what anyone studies or believes, that’s probably a sensible restriction, given the chance of miscarriage and so forth.)

According to a survey in next month’s Parents magazine (done before the announcement of Britney’s pregnancy), 53% of parents thought that Spears and her husband, Kevin Federline, should wait longer before having children.   (Am I the only one who thinks it in bad taste for a nationally respected parenting magazine to allow its readers to weigh in on others intensely personal decisions about when to have a child?)

Here’s where I part from at least many of my feminist colleagues. I’m not at all troubled by women having children young.  As I’ve posted before, I’m a huge fan of young Bethany and Sam Torode.  Bethany, who became a mother at nineteen, has written three marvelous essays that I often assign:

The Largest Career of All (2000)
Confessions of a Teenage Mom (2001)
Finding the Center (2002)

What Bethany wrote in the middle article has relevance for Britney and her critics:

When a couple decides to get married and start having kids — and how
many they have — is nobody’s business but theirs and God’s, which is a
reminder I need as often as anyone else. But I do feel a need to
challenge the dominant trend of our age toward putting off
responsibilities and prolonging adolescence.

Preach it, sis.

It was only recently that being a teenager became synonymous with being
too young to make big decisions about marriage and children. Some of my
favorite books are the Anne of Green Gables series by L. M. Montgomery.
In these beloved books, Anne attains what is the modern day equivalent
of a college education, becomes a full-time schoolteacher, and starts
to teach herself Latin and Greek — by age 16. Her friends, also
teenagers, start marrying and having babies right out of school. Yet
none of this is depicted as unusual — Anne is only a
slightly-above-average teenage woman 100 years ago. Today, Anne would
be hailed as a genius and her friends would be considered mature far
beyond their years (or else stupid for "giving up their independence"
so early).

Now of course, women in the world of Anne of Green Gables had fewer choices than Bethany Torode or Britney Spears do. But Torode is right to suggest that we in the feminist community make a factual error and a spiritual mistake when we suggest that early marriage and early motherhood were always foisted onto women against their will.  When we push relentlessly for women to delay motherhood and childbirth, we may slight the very real desires of very real young women who very truly value marriage and motherhood above all else.

Torode thinks that more young women should consider early marriage and motherhood:

Yes, I am among those contributing to the teen pregnancy rate (she wrote at nineteen). I would
encourage other responsible young Christians in their late teens and
early twenties to do the same. Women, these are the best years of your
life to have a baby (ages 18-to-27 are when your body is at its peak
for childbearing, and having your first child during these years
significantly reduces your risk of breast cancer). Men, why not channel
your youth and energy into something with profound eternal value?

I’m not prepared to go as far as Bethany does and recommend early marriage and parenthood to all young men and women.   I don’t believe we are called to parenthood. I’m not even sure that all of us are called to monogamous marriage, though I remain convinced that monogamous marriage is a powerful vehicle for both personal growth and societal stability.  I am convinced, however, that we who really believe in honoring the bodies and spirits and minds of young women ought to applaud the Bethanys and the Britneys for valuing marriage and motherhood over the countless other choices that they could have made instead.

I don’t know what kind of mother Britney Spears will be.  Frankly, I’m not a fan of her music.  I watched one of her recent videos not long ago (My Prerogative, I think) with my youth group kids, and was embarrassed.  I had to look away from the screen.  But I also know full well that at least for some, pregnancy and parenthood have a way of radically refocusing our values.  And because I am aware of how much influence Britney continues to have on young women, I am praying that she will throw herself, heart and body and soul, into her marriage and into motherhood.   Obviously, her first concern ought to be for herself and her little family.  But I suspect she knows the influence she has.  I’ve never heard a pregnancy discussed so eagerly by teenagers as this one.   How Britney handles these next few months will, like it or not, resonate with a great many girls across this country, many of whom adore her despite the media’s sneers.  Here’s hoping and praying that it’s a safe and healthy pregnancy, a healthy and happy child, and that Britney can be known in due course as a very different kind of role model.

Oh, and read a great post from Bethany about sugar lust here.  I’ll have to blog that sometime soon.

Choice 4 Men and the Glenn Sacks show

Glenn’s promo for this Sunday’s show is up. I’m going to be debating the concept of "Choice 4 Men" with Glenn and columnist Amy Alkon.  Here’s the promo:

Nationally syndicated advice columnist Amy Alkon believes that men, like women, should have reproductive rights. Condemning women who get pregnant intentionally and "turn casual sex into cash flow sex," she notes:

"In no other arena is a swindler rewarded with a court-ordered monthly cash settlement paid to them by the person they bilked…Penelope Leach, in her book Children First, poses an essential question: ‘Why is it socially reprehensible for a man to leave a baby fatherless, but courageous, even admirable, for a woman to have a baby whom she knows will be so?’…the law, as written, encourages unscrupulous women to lure sex-dumbed men into checkbook daddyhood."

The "Choice for Men" movement seeks to give unmarried fathers the right to relinquish their parental rights and responsibilities within a month of learning of a pregnancy, just as mothers do when they choose to give their children up for adoption.

Feminist Gender Studies professor Dr. Hugo Schwyzer, Ph.D calls Choice for Men "profoundly offensive," noting that it "seeks to give men the right to evade responsibility for the children they help to conceive."

I’ve been very clear on this issue, especially in this post during last summer’s Amy Richards controversy.  I said then, and still believe now, the following:

Every man who ejaculates inside a woman, whether or not contraception is used, is signalling his willingness to become a father. If men are not ready and willing to raise a child conceived through an act of sex, they are morally responsible for refraining from sex…

I’m not familiar with Alkon.  I’ve been reading through the material on her site today, and she seems like a fairly standard "libertarian feminist".  I can’t say we’ll disagree on everything, but on this issue, we will.  This will mean that in some very real sense, I may be taking her on from the right, at least in my insistence that the only real choice that a man deserves in this situation is whether or not to have sex in the first place.  After that decision has been made, I am adamant that he, jointly with the woman with whom he briefly partnered — is morally (and financially) responsible for any and all outcomes from that initial decision.  Even if those outcomes last a lifetime.

Whatever your views, please consider calling into the show on Sunday afternoon.

Clarification

I have nothing positive to say about last night’s Colombia-USA friendly.  To be fair, the South Americans had their "B" team on the field, but apparently some of the top Yanks were absent as well.  The USA played superbly; in all my years of watching them, I’ve never seen the Americans so crisp and fast and focused.  Honestly, Colombia was lucky that the score wasn’t worse than 3-0, USA.  Still, we had fun, though it was a bit odd to have an international match played in a run-down old football stadium in far-off Fullerton.

Perhaps rightly, I’ve been taking some heat (particularly at Amanda’s place and from her commenters) over this sentence from Tuesday’s post:

I’ll catch some flak for this, but in my opinion one of the greatest gifts a  husband can give his wife is the freedom to choose to what degree she wishes to remain in the public sphere after they’ve had children.

Deja Pseu wrote:

Aside from the economic limitations and the inherent privilege indicated here, there’s the idea that a wife’s "freedom to choose" is something that resides with the husband, which is his to give or withhold. *That* bugs the living crap outta me.

Well, put that way, the idea causes me similar distress — and was not what I intended to convey.  Let me see if I can clarify.

Biology necessitates that women, rather than men, give birth.  (Even the most ardent anti-essentialists will presumably make that concession.)  Few would argue that the burden of pregnancy is borne equally by men and women.  Even after birth, assuming that a mother is interested in breast-feeding (among other things), she is better equipped biologically to care for her newborn.  As time passes, of course, her "advantages" (or burdens, depending on your perspective) decrease to the point where all of the tasks of nurturing and caring for a child might be equally well-performed by a father.

In more families than not, it is going to be preferable to have the mother work as the primary care-giver for very small children.  This may be because of cultural pressures; it may be because of innate preferences, it may be some combination of the two.  Each couple will have to work this out for themselves, of course.  Some may choose a counter-cultural approach in which the male partner assumes the primary care-giving role.  I certainly have no problem with that!

My concern is with the attitudes that so many men bring to fatherhood.  Far too many men — we don’t have to look far for this — still refuse to take an equal role in parenting their children and performing other domestic tasks. I think my generation of fellas is getting considerably better at this, but both hard evidence and anecdotal observation tends to suggest we males have a ways to go. 

But back to my inflammatory sentence.  Folks, I ought to have made it clear that my views came out of a Christian perspective.  As I’ve written before, I’m convinced that Ephesians 5:21 is the greatest sentence in Scripture on marriage:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

From the standpoint of radical mutual submission, marriage is the willing and voluntary surrender of one’s freedom to one’s spouse.  Spouses become, in a very real sense, guardians and defenders of each other, each with claims on the other’s time and effort and flesh.  Paul writes elsewhere:

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

(It’s amazing how many folks, conservative Christians and secular progressives, fail to reflect on the radicalness of the second sentence in that passage.)

To me, this is about much more than the expectation of sexual fulfillment. It’s about a life of mutual self-sacrifice.  Frankly, looking at the way in which household chores and child-rearing duties have historically been divided, I don’t think we fellas have been pulling our weight.  We’ve demanded submission without offering it in return; we’ve asserted ownership rights over our wives without humbly offering our bodies and our lives in service in return.   Husbands and wives do guard each other’s freedom, I think — and we give each other a gift when we make it possible for the other to both be an effective parent and an active participant in the outside world. 

I’m not claiming to be an expert on marriage.  Three divorces leave me with little claim to expertise in maintaining successful relationships!  (The California legal system, on the other hand, is more familiar.)  But since my last divorce my sense of what marriage is has continued to grow and change.  I am convinced that both men and women are equally called to serve their partners.  And though each ought to surrender his or her freedom to the other, each ought to be willing to "give back" what has been given to them. It was in that spirit that I wrote the offending sentence, and in that spirit that I defend it.

I’m not sure that even the Christians among my readers, much less my secular feminist and Men’s Rights critics, will have much to agree with here.

“Shut down your wife”

Good satire is alternatingly infuriating and enlightening.  This week’s case in point is this playful piece by Michael Lewis from Sunday’s Los Angeles Times: How to Put your Wife Out of Business.  Excerpt:

There was a brief time, from about 1985 to 1991, when high-powered males demonstrated their status by marrying equally high-powered females with high-paying jobs. That time has passed. The surest way for a man to exhibit his social status — the finest bourgeois bling — is to find the most highly paid woman you can, working in the most high-profile job, and shut her down.

Jeepers.  Even in jest, Lewis is going for a nerve. He offers his own experience as an example:

What men need, really, are role models. Other men who have done it and lived to tell the tale. Consider, for example, me. I hope I don’t need to remind the reader, but I will anyway: When we met, my wife — Tabitha Soren — was a hotshot. She walked from her offices at MTV into Times Square and people shrieked her name and bayed for her autograph. She made pots of money. She couldn’t swing a dead cat in the television business without hitting a job offer. And now — behold! Two children later, she has happily abandoned fame and fortune and is making a second "career" as a fine-art photographer.

Bonus points for those readers who remember Tabitha Soren.  I certainly do.

There’s some considerable truth in what Lewis writes, in that most of us can think of a great many examples of successful women who, usually in their thirties, choose to focus on motherhood and homemaking while opting out of their careers.  I come from a large family; I’ve got half a dozen female cousins in their thirties or early forties to whom I am very close.  All are college-educated, most had considerable success early on in their twenties.  All have had children in the past decade, and have chosen to focus their time and their energy on their families.  If they do work outside the home, they do so in a part-time or volunteer capacity.

The problem with Lewis is that even in satire, he denies his wife (and other "shut-down" women) their own agency.   (He’s got other problems, like crass class-ism, but we’ll let that be for now.)  For Lewis, opting out of the business world is not presented as something his wife (or other successful women) chose because motherhood and homemaking spoke to their real desires; rather, it is something that he (and other successful men) made possible through their own power and financial resources.   The wives’s choices are thus contingent on their husband’s high status, rather than on the wives’s genuine desire to place "family first."   Lewis is right about the end result, but vastly over-inflates men’s role in it.

Judging from the experiences of family and friends (and societal trends at large), it would be hard to deny that there are a great many successful women who choose to leave high-status jobs (at least temporarily)  in order to focus on their families.  But anti-feminists make a mistake when they assume that these women have somehow magically "seen the light" by abandoning careers for domestic bliss.  Rather, many of my female friends and family seem conscious of a kind of seasonality to their lives and to their reproductive choices.  As they aged, their priorities shifted.   But those priorities will surely shift again as their children grow and become more autonomous.  Let me assure you that my dear female cousins who are homemakers at 35 have no intention of remaining clear of public life indefinitely!   Once one has had a child, one is surely a parent forever.  But the amount of time and energy parenting requires does, thankfully, seem to decrease somewhat as children mature and grow more autonomous.

I’ll catch some flak for this, but in my opinion one of the greatest gifts a  husband can give his wife is the freedom to choose to what degree she wishes to remain in the public sphere after they’ve had children.   Obviously, if she’d like to continue to work outside the home, that will mean that he will have to take over a corresponding amount of domestic work.  (Unless they are wealthy enough to afford outside help.)  Her ability to continue to pursue her goals is contingent on his willingness to change diapers, do dishes, and take over child-rearing responsibilities.  Some couples may be quite happy with a very traditional arrangement, with husband as "breadwinner" and wife as "domestic engineer".  Others, motivated by desire or necessity, may find it essential to have two incomes even while their children are small.  The man’s job, as far as I am concerned, is to do more than provide materially for his wife.  It is to make it possible for her to decide just how committed to her career she would like to be after motherhood.