Archive for the 'Youth ministry' Category

Reprint: Boys, Girls, Hugs

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on August 18, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Men and Masculinity, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 4 Comments

I’m on hiatus — at least from substantive blogging — until August 28.  Until then, I’m reprinting favorite posts from 2004 and 2005.

I consider myself blessed to have grown up in a physically affectionate family. Not only was I regularly hugged and kissed by my mother, but I still hug and kiss my father whenever I see him. (I am grateful that my father, born in Austria, grew up in a relatively demonstrative culture.) As a schoolboy, however, I learned quickly that any sign of physical affection between men (other than during a sporting event, and even then, of a very limited and specific nature) was associated with homosexuality and effeminacy. I didn’t hug a man to whom I wasn’t related until I went to college.

Now, of course, I work as a volunteer youth minister at the local Episcopal church. During the past five years, I’ve worked with a couple of hundred high school-age youth. It’s given me a lot of time to think about gender and physical affection. If there’s one thing I’m committed to, it’s modeling appropriate but loving physical contact with my kids of both sexes. That isn’t always easy to do. Not surprisingly, I have had to confront my own acculturation when it comes to physical affection with young men.

First off, we live in a society that is absolutely obsessed with issues of sexual abuse. This obsession is particularly apparent in our churches and our youth ministries; the past three years have brought devastating news of molestation and abuse in every denomination (though our Catholic brethren seem to have taken the brunt of the hit). In this climate, all men who choose to work with youth are open to suspicion. Some of what is being done in response is good and necessary: stricter background checks, for example. But much of what has happened has not been useful, and some of it has even been counter-productive. I have a friend who works in youth ministry at a Presbyterian church nearby, and he says he has been told that the church’s policy is to never have any youth minister touch a kid in any way at any time. No hugs, no pats on the back, nothing. He’s looking for a new church.

Working with adolescents has taught me just how starved most of them are for safe physical affection, especially the boys. And over time, with input from those on staff at the church, I have developed my own guidelines for my own behavior. What it boils down to is this: I am an inveterate hugger. I hug everyone. Kids, adults, men, women, boys, girls, chinchillas, the ficus tree in the corner. That sounds more compulsive than it is. I have to be constantly, keenly aware of body language. I don’t foist hugs on anyone. Nor do I treat hugs as inconsequential, like Hugo’s version of a casual handshake. What I’m trying to do doesn’t always work perfectly, but it does seem to work most of the time. I’m trying to create a culture in our youth group where non-sexual physical intimacy feels safe and reassuring and validating. That takes a lot of time. Some kids came for six months before I could hug them. Some hugged me the moment they met me. Even in a nurturing and safe environment, there will be different levels of comfort with physical affection.

Many of the girls, of course, have little experience of non-sexual affection from men. If I hear one more story from a teen girl about how her father stopped hugging her when she began to develop, I’m going to scream. (I’m not a father, of course, but I’m just mystified by that phenomenon, which, anecdotally, seems to be epidemic). Many of them, though very young, have already been objectified and harassed by men my age or older. They are in desperate need of truly safe adult men — men who are neither responsive to their sexuality nor terrified of it. For the record, as a matter of common sense, I am never alone with teenage girls at the church. Ever. I also regularly "check in" with my fellow volunteers and with the church staff, asking them to be willing to challenge me should I ever even appear to behave inappropriately. But none of that stops me, when the barriers have been broken down, from hugging.

I don’t hug boys the same way I hug girls. For the most part, with the boys, "horseplay" is the safest environment for physical affection. We do a lot of that at All Saints Church. Mind you, I don’t get down on the ground and wrestle with the kids! But the playful pretend punches, the slaps on the back — all of these can be imbued with very real caring and affection. When I was a high schooler, I wasn’t ready to be held by older men — but I sure as hell wanted their attention, and I did want their caring and affection. A quick squeeze of the shoulder was about all I could take, but damn, did I want that squeeze of the shoulder from men I looked up to! I try and remember that. (I should note that some high school boys do like to hug just as much as the girls do, especially once they realize that ours is a safe environment).

In our current climate of hysteria, we in the church need to struggle to find a balance. We must of course protect our young people from exploitation and abuse. We must do everything we can to create a safe place within our church communities for our teens. But a place where every gesture of physical affection is seen as dangerous is an inherently unsafe environment! Our young women need to be reminded, over and over again, that they are loved and cared for non-sexually; in that effort, a hug is worth ten thousand words. Our young men need to be reminded, over and over again, that here, at least one night a week during youth group, they don’t have to be "tough guys." They need men in their lives who will love them without judging them or assessing their fragile masculinities.

I have to admit, it’s a bit scary to post about this. I know that many, many women out there — and some men — have devastating stories of betrayal at the hands of male authority figures. I know that many of them know just how awful it can be when what was supposed to be a "safe" hug or touch becomes something far different. I try to never lose sight of that reality. But it is also because I am so aware of the prevalence of sexual abuse that I insist on touching the youth with whom I work. I do so not to show my disregard for common sense, but as an act of defiance against a culture that declares all affection to be suspicious. I do it because the kids need it. I do it because we all need it. And I do it because Jesus did it.

Originally posted June 15, 2004

A note on priestly betrayal and youth work

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on June 5, 2006
in Christianity, Faith, Men and Masculinity, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 14 Comments

I’m very tired this morning.  I had a lousy workout at my boxing gym; I walked in the door at 5:15AM and it was already hot and steamy inside.  Working out indoors without air conditioning is one of my least favorite activities.  Pepe (my trainer) kept saying "Elbows in, Hugo!" and "Crisper, sharper!", but I just wasn’t feeling it.  I promised him I’d be more fiery on Wednesday.

The Happy Feminist and Amber at Prettier than Napoleon both respond to my OKOP/NOKOP post on Friday, and I’m grateful for their links.  So far, none of my family members have grumbled to me about sharing these acronyms with the general public.

Kendall Harmon and several other bloggers have been discussing the case of John Bennison, an Episcopal priest who has a long history of sexual misconduct that his bishops have covered up.  Bennison — who was once on staff at a church I know very well, All Saints by the Sea in Montecito — apparently had affairs with girls in the youth group he led.   He and his wife also allegedly brought one teen from a youth group home to bed.

I like what *Christopher has to say about the role of the laity in holding priests and bishops accountable:

We laity too often enable, turn a blind eye, refuse to step into our Baptismal responsibility at such times and face the blinding light of day when one of our leaders may have harmed the Body and broken trust. We fail to live out the processes put in place to fairly investigate allegations, insiting upon them, even demanding them, if necessary irrespective of the office in question: lay leader, deacon, priest, bishop, patriarch/pope. Our allowing ourselves to be infantilized within the Body is dangerous to the healthy functioning of the Body. It’s time to step up and grow up into our Baptismal responsibility, and face the fact that sometimes, our leaders fail us. That is a part of life and of being a Christian. So is working through the mess.

I get very angry at men like John Bennison for a couple of reasons.  One, I’m angry and sad that he clearly hurt and betrayed so many people who trusted him.  I’m angry because of the damage and chaos he brought into the lives of the young women he abused.  Two, I’m angry — in a childish way that *Christopher rebukes — because I feel personally betrayed every time a priest breaks his vows.  As well as I know many of them, I do put priests and pastors (in all denominations) up on pedestals, even when I know better.  I expect the men and women whom God has called to be shepherds to take care of the flock, not use and abuse the most vulnerable of the lambs.   All sexual abuse makes me angry, but I can’t help but feel especially betrayed when it comes at the hands of those who have taken Holy Orders.

But I am angry for a third reason:  men like John Bennison make youth ministry that much harder for men like me.  I’m particularly struck by this case because Bennison is an Episcopal minister who had a special gift for working with teens.  By all accounts, he abused that gift and the trust placed in him in an egregious way — and he did so on more than one occasion.  As a male volunteer youth leader working with teens, I’m deeply aware of how much trust is placed in me by my church community, by my youth, and by their families.  It is a sacred responsibility I’ve got, and one I take with enormous seriousness.

Every time a case like that of Rev. Bennison unfolds, it makes my job — and the job of all of us who do youth ministry, especially men — that much harder.    When they aren’t calling me gay, effeminate, or filled with self-loathing, some of the MRAs suggest I have an unnatural attraction to adolescents.  As nasty as that insinuation is, it’s one that’s thrown increasingly often at those of us who do youth ministry.   Cases like the Bennison one reinforce the terrible public perception that adult men like me who work with teenagers are surely driven not by love or faith but by some perverse sexual pathology.

Of course, I don’t need to prove myself to the critics in the blogosphere.  I do need to prove myself, over and over again, to my church and to the lambs with whose care and nurturing I am — on Wednesdays and Sundays from September to June — entrusted.  I try very hard to be transparent in my work.  But I also can’t let the fears of the culture control what I do.  I wrote a post about this issue almost exactly two years ago called Boys, Girls, Hugs.  I said then:

In our current climate of hysteria, we in the church need to struggle to find a balance. We must of course protect our young people from exploitation and abuse. We must do everything we can to create a safe place within our church communities for our teens. But a place where every gesture of physical affection is seen as dangerous is an inherently unsafe environment! Our young women need to be reminded, over and over again, that they are loved and cared for non-sexually; in that effort, a hug is worth ten thousand words. Our young men need to be reminded, over and over again, that here, at least one night a week during youth group, they don’t have to be "tough guys." They need men in their lives who will love them without judging them or assessing their fragile masculinities. 

We had our last official gathering of the year last Wednesday night: a big barbecue for junior and senior high teens and their families.  There were lots of hamburgers, hot dogs, and hugs.  I must have hugged every kid (and their parents) at least four times.  There were lots of enthusiastic and heartfelt "I love yous" exchanged; I say that phrase to "my kids" often and with absolute, unwavering sincerity.  But the hugs were public and my words easily overheard.  Doing youth ministry right requires the courage to allow intimacy to flourish, and it requires the responsibility to let that intimacy happen transparently.

I’m praying for John Bennison and those whose trust he betrayed.  I’m praying also that my rage at him will subside.  Yes, what he and others have done makes it harder for genuinely safe and loving men to do youth ministry well.  But rather than despair, those of us are privileged to do this work just have to redouble our efforts to win trust, hold ourselves and each other accountable, and above all, to not let fear drive a wedge between ourselves and the young people who need loving adults in their lives.

Saying goodbye to the All Saints seniors

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on May 25, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Christianity, Faith, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 12 Comments

There’s a lot of hubbub in the Anglican-Episcopalian blogosphere these days.  Those in the know always read Kendall Harmon’s Titusonenine and dear Susan Russell’s Inch at a Time for the latest on the ongoing conflict in the Anglican Communion over sexuality, Scripture, ecclesiology and how it is that those of us who disagree on these and other matters can stay in the same church.  Or not.

I spent a lot of my college years reading and studying theology.  In grad school, I did a "minor field" in medieval scholasticism with Marilyn Adams, and as an undergrad at Cal, went through a brief but intense period where I was convinced that God was calling me to be a Dominican.  (The story of the time I thought I had a vocation — when I was 19 and 20 — ought to be a post as well one of these days).  But for all of those experiences, I find I’m really not as attentive as I ought to be to the current battles being waged in the Episcopal Church over issues of sexuality and faith.  It’s not that I don’t care — I do.  It’s that as with so many other issues, I find that my sympathies lie on both sides of the fence.   I miss being younger, when I was so filled with certainties!  Wasn’t it Francis Bacon who said, "If a man begins with certainties, he will end in doubts"? That seems to be my fate these days.

But I’m not in doubt about everything.  One of the reasons I went into youth ministry was because I knew that I was passionate about teenagers.  These last several years working as a volunteer with the high school group at All Saints Pasadena have been joyous.  Last night, we held our farewell banquet for our graduating seniors — the seventh such banquet I’ve been part of since coming to All Saints.

Our seniors are heading off to various universities — USC, Michigan, Drexel, Fresno State.  They are all clearly eager for the next phase of their lives, though some are also a bit wistful about leaving behind everything they’ve ever known.  And last night, as we hugged them goodbye and wished them well, I wondered to myself what tools we at All Saints had given them to face the broader world.

Our kids are leaving a very progressive church.   If they spent all of their high school years at All Saints, they went through our "sex ed" curriculum four times, but never once got an abstinence lecture.  They never signed purity pledges or were told by anyone that "true love waits."  Many of them, on the other hand, did march in the West Hollywood Gay Pride parade last year, or the year before, or the year before.  As far as I know, all of our graduating seniors are straight, though some may yet discover new and surprising things about their sexual identity in the years to come.

Our kids never "nailed their sins to the cross", as kids in countless more conservative youth groups do.  Our kids never participated in an "altar call", and were never asked to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.  Most of our seniors have never heard of Switchfoot, or Third Day, or Jars of Clay, or any other Christian band — though I did play some Jennifer Knapp for them on a car ride once or twice.

On the other hand, our kids can — mostly — distinguish a thurifer from a crucifer.  They know what a paten is, and that in our church, a piscina is not the Spanish word for swimming pool.  They also know what it’s like to spend a lot of time serving the homeless, both in downtown Los Angeles and in Pasadena.  They’ve been on countless service projects.  Most have marched in at least one anti-war demonstration.  Unless I’m very mistaken, all of them (now old enough to vote) are well to the left of the political center, just like most of their parents and pastors. They’ve learned that living as a Christian is less about either an intellectual assent to theological propositions or an intense emotional response to Jesus, and more about living out lives of justice and sharing.  Watching the kids who were graduating last night, and remembering what they were like as squirrely eighth-graders, I teared up in pride; they have all become such fundamentally good and loving people!

The evangelical small voice inside of me says "But Hugo, shouldn’t you have pushed them harder?  Shouldn’t you have witnessed a bit more about Jesus?  Instead of giving eloquent but waffling defenses of individual sexual choices, shouldn’t you have risked more and articulated something more biblical?"  I don’t know.  I know I did a lot of affirming, and I (with my fellow youth leaders) talked a lot about living lives of love.  Last night, I found myself hoping and praying it was enough.  I wrote in February about these same kids:

And in my heart, I believe that by trying my best to love everyone of these kids as much as I can, as intensely as I can, with as much openness and freedom from conditions as I can, I am feeding them just as Jesus wants me to.

I still believe that. 

I’m praying this morning for Aidan and Elaine, Corin and Megan, Ronnie and Zak, Billy and Juan, Tom and Katherine and Joe and all the other seniors who are leaving what I hope was a safe nest for them.  My conservative friends might say that it was "too safe".  But looking at these gorgeous, creative, talented, tremendously kind young people, I am convinced that we in the progressive church also have the capacity to raise up good and decent human beings who are committed, in their own way, to living for Christ.  There’s more to being a Christian teen than a purity pledge and a silver cross around the neck.  Maybe our kids didn’t get as much talk about redemption as they should have — but we sure as heck gave them a commitment to justice, gentleness, and radical compassion. 

On some final day when I have to answer for my small part in raising up these lambs of His, I hope and pray I will be able to tell my Savior that I fed them as He asked me too.  Looking at "my kids" last night, I felt more confident than ever that that is what I, and the rest of the folks at All Saints Pasadena, have been doing.

Some further thoughts on Good Sex

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on May 8, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Sexuality and Youth ministry
. 9 Comments

I’m going through one of those seasons of my life where, for any number of reasons, my interest in working out has diminished.  My body needs rest from time to time, I suppose.  Plan of the week: more sleep, less boxing, less running.  I know I’ll lose some fitness, but my body will be much happier. 

In the comments below last week’s post on "purity balls", we have a brief debate about Christian sex ed curricula.  My commenter Glendenb is a fan of the Unitarian Universalist program Our Whole Lives, which is designed to offer sex education for everyone from children to adults in a series of age-specific modules.  It’s a program I know well, as we seriously considered adopting it at All Saints Pasadena back in 2002.

At the time that we were talking about sex ed curricula for the church, I was on the Vestry (the governing board in an Episcopal Church) and active on the Children, Youth, and Families committee.  I was also very clearly the "token evangelical", and more often than not, I was prone to impulsive provocation.  One issue I felt — and still feel — strongly about was sex education for teens, and I pushed for the adoption of a very different curriculum for our kids: Good Sex.  Here’s how the publisher’s web site describes the Good Sex program:

A plethora of self-contained but connected segments are organized in seven major sections:

1. Plumbing and Wiring: From androgens to zoologists *  Sex includes body, mind, emotions, spirit, and relationships *

2.  Sexual Identity: How people think about sexuality * What we think about our sexuality affects everything – body, mind, emotions, spirit, and relationships *

3.  Intimacy: Dating and non-sexual closeness * Sex does not equal intimacy and intimacy does not equal sex.  Intimacy equals intimacy.

4.  Desire: The difference between appetites and needs * Learning the limits of our obligation to sexual desires and grounds for self-discipline without denying the goodness of sex *

5.  Sex:  Sex isn’t everything, and sex isn’t nothing — so what is it? * Building sexual hope and understanding, and diffusing sexual tension *

6.  Responsibility: Our sexual responsibilities to God and each other * The Basic Speed Law governs our sexual choices for the rest of our lives *

7.  Do-Overs: Mercy, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration from God * Help and encouragement for new beginnings (students) * Help in identifying and serving kids who are sexually broken (leaders)

Each of the many segments within these seven sections encompasses two or more of the following elements: * God’s Story — Bible passages and open-ended, learning-centered questions for discussion * True Story — readings, short monologues, video, audio, on location opportunities to give information, stimulate thought, or ignite questions * Our Story — reflection, small group discussion, large group talkbacks, debate, play, agree/disagree voting, storytelling and more * My Story — writing, drawing, praying, worship, storytelling, seeking and giving help

Through the use of video, an extensive leader’s guide, and a student book called What Almost Nobody Will Tell You About Sex, the Good Sex curriculum is an upfront, truthful, process-centered resource that invites students to consider, understand, and surrender their sexuality to the God who loves them and who made them sexual beings.

The church agreed to buy the book and the leader’s guide, and several of us on the committee evaluated it.  In the end, for a variety of reasons, the church decided not to adopt any particular sex ed curriculum, rejecting both the very liberal "Our Whole Lives" and the far more conservative "Good Sex."  Instead, we who were youth ministers were invited to create our own model, one that borrowed from both curricula (and from others) and which reflected input from various constituency groups in the parish.

Now, teaching sex ed in a liberal parish isn’t easy (something I’ve blogged about before).  I don’t make it any easier by vacillating in my views.  Here’s what I wrote just last spring:

It’s easy to teach teens certainties, but harder to get them to embrace those certainties.  When I was in my more evangelical phase, I pushed for a more directed sex ed curriculum at All Saints. While I was not prepared to advance an "abstinence until marriage" agenda, I was close to doing so.  I don’t see my job that way anymore.  As I’ve grown less comfortable with at least some certainties, I’ve grown more comfortable with ambiguity. More important, I’ve come to understand that even teenagers — yes, teenagers — have the capacity to wrestle successfully with ambiguity!

I think the church has many jobs when it comes to teaching kids about sexuality.  One, certainly, is to help sift through the many destructive messages that kids get from the culture, especially those messages which place our youth of both sexes in impossible double binds.   The church must always be counter-cultural, even though a progressive church like All Saints would define "counter-cultural" differently than our brethren on the right.  Conservative churches consider abstinence to be counter-cultural; we at All Saints tend to think that being "counter-cultural" is about what George Regas suggests, teaching that good sex is connected to the "building of a good society"where not only is every person valued and respected, but our individual desires are not shamed.

Last year, my evangelical phase was waning; now it would appear to be waxing once more.  This doesn’t mean that I gave the kids a completely different message in 2006 than I did in 2005, mind you!  I haven’t tried to organize an abstinence campaign, and I won’t.  But in the past year, I’ve spent quite a bit of time with kids who are struggling with the serious and painful emotional and physical consequences of impulsive sexual decision-making.  Though some of "my teens" clearly can "wrestle with ambiguity", it’s clear to me that others, through no fault of their own, are (at say, 15) developmentally totally unready to cope with the very real fall-out from sex.

I reread the "Good Sex" curriculum recently, and was moved by the remarkable way in which it accomplishes two seemingly contradictory goals: on the one hand, the program makes the clear and  compelling case that God has a specific plan for human sexuality; on the other hand, it manages to avoid using "scare and shame" tactics to urge teens to live into that plan.  I don’t like traditionally liberal sex ed curricula because they downplay the importance of Scripture and church teaching in sexual decision-making; I dislike most modern abstinence programs because too often, they preach the head-spinning message of "sex is dirty, save it for someone you love."  (That’s when they aren’t terrifying kids with wildly exaggerated statistics about STIs and HIV.)  I like Good Sex (and rely on it informally in my leadership role) because it gently calls kids to restraint while loving unconditionally those who choose not to live into a traditional biblical understanding of sexuality.  That’s a tough needle to thread, but I’m trying to do it — and Good Sex is a huge help.

Pro-ana websites and abs on the floor

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on April 3, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Body, Eating disorders, Vanity, Youth and Youth ministry
. 13 Comments

Thanks to Jill at Feministe, I read this article in yesterday’s New York Times: Before Spring Break, the Anorexia Challenge.

I REALLY gotta start losing weight before spring break," a 15-year-old from Long Island wrote in her blog on Xanga.com, a social networking site. "Basically today I went 24 hours without food and then I ate green beans and a little baked ziti. Frankly I’m proud of myself, not to mention the 100 situps on the yoga ball and the 100 I’ll do before sleep … Yey for me."

For most students spring break represents the promise of a beer-soaked respite from Northern cold and midterm stress, a time to let go and revive. But for a subculture of students with eating disorders, this annual weeklong bacchanalia, unfolding across Florida, Mexico and the Caribbean during March and April, represents the summit of deprivation and self-denial.

Though not widely discussed — sufferers of eating disorders often spend years in denial about their condition, and therapists treating them can rarely isolate any single reason for these complex psychological syndromes — those who treat eating disorders say spring break is one of the most dangerous times of the year for young women struggling with their weight and eating.

The article discusses the huge number of pro-anorexia ("pro-ana") sites now flourishing on the Internet, including many that offer encouragment and even contests to help readers lose weight and practice ever more extreme restriction and restraint.  As anyone who has worked with eating disorders will tell you, anorexia is a competitive disease — and while girls a decade ago competed against their classmates and nearby peers, the ‘net allows comparisons to go global (or at least national.)  A 15 year-old in Pittsburgh can offer her extreme diet tips to her cyber buddy in Portland, and her cyber buddy can triumphantly list the ways in which she has "topped that."  The potential for dangerous escalation is obvious.

From a feminist standpoint, it’s easy to point out how destructive it is for young women to try to live up to an impossible media ideal.  We can also point out — feminists usually do — that anorectic behavior is sometimes about attaining a perfect body and more about an extreme form of social protest. 

Young women who feel profoundly disempowered by their culture and their families and their peers find a deep sense of control and pride through compulsive exercise and caloric restriction.   After all, if you can control nothing else, you can usually control what goes in your mouth!  By battling hunger pangs and conquering the basic desire to eat, a young person with an eating disorder can quietly but powerfully live out a "heroic" life.  If heroism is about obstacles overcome and about dragons slain, what more visceral way to create a heroic life narrative than to practice radical self-denial?   While women and men in centuries past might have sought religious ecstasy through fasting, young women (and some young men) today can pursue a cultural ideal of physical perfection as well a psychological sense of power and control.

As a youth leader, I have to deal with this in a practical way.  This past weekend, as I mentioned in my first post today, we did a lot of eating on our retreat.   At one point on Saturday afternoon, while we were taking a break from our activities, a discussion broke out among a few of the girls about their tummies.  Like the young women mentioned in the Times article, several of our girls were keenly aware of the approach of swimsuit season.  Though we were bundled in comfy sweats, there was a brief period of lifting of shirts to expose bellies and discuss strategies for flattening and firming.  (Mind you, not much flesh was exposed, and my shirt stayed in place.)  At one point, two of the girls got on the floor and started doing ab exercises.  Knowing that I work out, one of them asked me, "Hugo, can you show us an exercise to do?"

Not thinking it through, I got down on the carpet and began to show them one very simple, safe, basic, Pilates exercise.  It was nothing that could be dangerous to them — really just a simple movement (combined with correct breathing) that is designed to work the lower abs.  As the girls were pointing out, lower abs are the hardest part of the midsection to train — and Pilates really does teach you to work that part of the body safely and efficiently.  So we did a few reps of very simple abs, and I gave some generalized advice.  (Yes, my All Saints friends, I did mention six ways to Sunday that though I have a lot of experience, I am not a certified instructor, and I made sure that the only exercises I mentioned were the very basic and safe ones.  Some routines in mat Pilates, done without training and supervision, can be dangerous.  I didn’t even mention those, but did recommend Pilates for core training.)

Today, reading the Times article that Jill mentioned, I began to wonder if I might have handled the situation in a better way on Saturday.  I’ve led lots of workshops for the kids on eating disorders, but that was not our focus this weekend.  Still, I could have started some discussion about the pressures young people (especially but not exclusively girls) feel to have the perfect "bikini-ready" body for summer.  Rather than question the need for perfect abs, however, I reinforced that desire.  I made it clear that even at more than twice their age, I shared their interest in pursuing an ideal, and showed them (safely and briefly) one way in which I pursue my own goal of a rock-hard core.  Was I being helpful, or was I merely affirming an unhealthy way of thinking about the importance of the body?  I mean, they were going to "do abs" anwyay — wasn’t it better to show them a safer and more effective method for reaching the "target" area?  Or should I have re-directed the discussion?

On a related note, one of the other volunteers (who is also a runner) and I are planning to lead a marathon training program next year for All Saints youth and staff, modeled on the very successful "Students Run LA" program associated with our city’s marathon.  We’ll start in the fall, with a goal of helping as many kids as possible train to run the marathon — and perhaps raise some funds for worthy charities in the process.  (We’ll call it, "All Saints Runs LA" or maybe "Saints Run LA"").   As someone who loves running and loves to spread the gospel of running, I’m eager to do this.  But thinking about my own motives and this past weekend, I realize I will have to be very careful in terms of how I approach this project.  The goal must not be on attaining an ideal body, but rather on setting goals and accomplishing them.  We must be especially careful to lead this program in a way that encourages a love for physical exertion while not reinforcing self-loathing.  That will be a vital needle to thread.

Monday notes, and a reflection about youth ministry and ego

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on April 3, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena and Youth ministry
. 2 Comments

First off, a dozen new pictures of Matilde in this photo album.  Lots of good action shots; this one is our favorite.

I note that UCLA — my graduate school alma mater — plays for the national championship in basketball tonight.  Here’s what makes me feel old: in 1995, the Bruins won their last national title when I was in my second year of teaching here at Pasadena City College. I had a Monday night class back then, and thus had to listen to the radio during a break to catch the score.  Tonight, I’ll be able to go online during that same break period to get an update — but once again, eleven years later, I’ll miss the entire game with teaching responsibilities.  My Trojan wife has agreed to root for the Bruins tonight (thanks to my willingness to cheer on USC in the Rose Bowl three months ago.)  We both agree that Los Angeles is in its right state when USC dominates in football, and their cross-town rivals on the basketball court.

I’m home, a bit bleary-eyed, from another confirmation class retreat in the San Bernardino mountains.  Here’s my post from last year about the 2005 retreat, and the "creed-writing" process; most of what I said then applies to this past weekend as well.

Having been in the youth ministry game for a number of years, I’ve begun to see some real changes in my approach to teenagers.  When I was first doing this work seven years ago, I was far more anxious.  There’s something about doing youth ministry that can bring back all of one’s own adolescent anxieties!  My first thought, as I’ve written before, was that I wasn’t "cool enough" to work with teens. I feared being exposed as a fraud — or worse, in a sense, as a "geek."   In my nightmares, I saw the faces of All Saints teens (particularly the "popular" ones) transposing with the faces of the poised and the beautiful kids I knew in high school — the ones I both idolized and feared.  But a good friend told me, "Hugo, they’re much more worried about what you think of them than what they think of you"; those words gave me the courage to begin my career as a volunteer senior high school youth leader.

What I love about working as a youth minister is that it does, in a very real way, allow me to stay in touch with adolescent wildness and adolescent intensity.  I may be nearly 39, but teenage emotions (with all their grandiosity, volatility, sentimentality, and vulnerability) are instantly familiar to me.  That doesn’t mean, mind you, that I think of myself as an over-grown teenager! The kids in this year’s confirmation class were mostly born in 1990 and 1991 — after I was already married for the first time.  With each passing year, the age of the kids stays the same (they are perennially 14-16); Hugo gets older.  But as I get older and softer and (one hopes) wiser, I’m happy to say that I don’t ever forget just how intense and pure and overwhelming it can be to be in the throes of mid-adolescence.

The easiest part about youth ministry is loving the kids.  The hardest part — and I suspect most who do what I do professionally or avocationally would agree — is the feeling of powerlessness one often gets in the face of great pain.  So many of our kids are hurting so much! Some of their woundedness comes from family trouble; some of it is a result of their own poor choices; some of it is a result of their own unique brain chemistry.  Though I’ve written before that I believe that the most vital thing we do in youth group is love, I’m also keenly aware that my love is not the same as God’s love.  I can’t rescue troubled and unhappy kids, though I can reassure them and hug them and tell them I do care.  But in the end, the hardest thing I have to do is to step back and point — point the kids towards God, and ask them to take the steps they need to take towards Him.

Teenagers, like all of us but only more so, are inclined to confuse the messenger with the message.  I’ve learned the hard way that it is all too easy for me to seek validation from my high schoolers by trying to make myself emotionally indispensable.  I want them to love the messenger too, of course — but not at the expense of the message itself.   My intentions were always, at least on the surface, very noble: "I want to be there for my kids!", I would regularly proclaim.  Yet at times in my first couple of years as a youth leader, I was too quick to "rescue", to play the role of "white knight" I so love to play. Lordy, I always have to be on guard against the impetuous demands of my own ego! Yes, I want the kids to know I love them; yes, I love that so many of them love me back.  But my job is not to draw kids to myself, my job is to point them and nudge them towards a relationship with God.  Though I’ve dried a lot of tears and heard a lot of stories, in and of myself I have no capacity to transform the lives of these young people about whom I care so much.   In partnership with God, they must become agents of their own transformation.

I’ve been doing this long enough that I’ve seen some of my former high school youth go on to graduate school. I’ve been blessed to see tremendous growth in them — and, I’m pleased to say, in me as well.  I’ve been learning, to paraphrase the St. Francis prayer, that I am called to be an "instrument of His peace" — but I am not the source of that peace.  It’s a distinction I am happier to say gets easier to make each passing year, even as my compassion and love for "my kids" grows and grows.

I got a lot of hugging in this weekend. I also got in a lot of junk food, and will need to be very mindful about my eating in the days to come.

“Does it matter where the gay youth leaders sleep?” A sensitive question about youth ministry in the inclusive church

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on March 20, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Christianity, GLBTQ and Youth ministry
. 77 Comments

Today in my gay and lesbian history class, we briefly got on to the topic of the terrible stereotype about gays, lesbians, and pedophilia.   Most of my students are familiar with the unfounded cultural fear that associates homosexuality with the sexual abuse of children.  But talking about it today brought back flashbacks to an old experience I had when I was first working as a youth leader at All Saints Pasadena a number of years ago.

One of the first time I went on retreat with the kids, I was one of four adult leaders headed off to Big Bear for the weekend. There were two male and two female leaders, and about a dozen kids of each sex.   The other male youth leader, "Oscar", was an openly gay man and a loved and trusted member of the All Saints community.  (He’s no longer with All Saints).  The two female youth leaders were straight.  As is common on such retreats, the boys shared a communal shower area, and dressed and undressed in front of each other.  Boys and girls were not allowed in the other sex’s cabin without adults present.  Before I went into the girls’ cabin, I would knock and wait for the all-clear.  (Replete with the usual "Everybody decent?" query, followed by mildly profane and silly responses!)

When we got back from the trip, I had a conversation with a parent.  (Yes, I know All Saints people read this blog — no, you can’t possibly guess who I’m talking about.  This was five or six years ago; don’t try.)  This man (I’ll call him "Jim"), the father of one of the boys in my cabin, was irate that Oscar had been on the trip.  His angry challenge rocked me.  Jim said:

"Hugo, I have a daughter who will be old enough for a retreat in a couple of years.  Now, I know you, Hugo, and I like you.  But I would not be okay with you sleeping in the girls’ cabin with her and using the girls’ bathroom with her.  I’m sure you wouldn’t want to, either!  But Hugo, how come I’m supposed to be okay with a gay man sharing space with my son?  Why is it okay for Oscar to be in the boys cabin, but not okay for you to be in the girls cabin?

I’ll confess, I was totally unprepared for the question.  Jim didn’t want to approach All Saints staff; he was not interested in filing a formal complaint.  But he knew me well enough as a friend to express his concern, and he wanted an answer.  I told him that I couldn’t think of a good response off the top of my head, and I told him I’d get back to him. He made me promise not to raise the issue with All Saints staff (or with Oscar), and I agreed.

I spent a week running the scenario by everyone I knew who wasn’t associated with the church. Some of my more liberal friends were indignant that the question was even asked: "Screw the father! It doesn’t deserve a response, it’s pure bigotry!"  Some of my conservative friends were delighted that I was in this quandary, convinced that I couldn’t come up with a justification for why Oscar belonged with us in the boys cabin.  (Several of them pointed out that I had run into one of the reasons why the Scouts still ban openly gay leaders from working with their boys).  Most people weren’t much help, frankly.

But I wanted to get back to Jim, and I called him the following week. Here’s more or less what I said:

"Jim, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I thought coming up with a good answer would be easier than it has been.  And I want you to know that I believe you’re coming from a place of love and concern, not from bigotry.  But I’ve thought about this for a while, and I believe that we can make the case that gay men and lesbian women can be superb youth leaders, and be in the same close proximity to youth of their same gender as straight leaders.

The reason we put the male youth leaders with the boys and female youth leaders with the girls isn’t because of sexuality, at least not mainly.   A gay male youth leader is still a man; a lesbian youth leader is still a woman.  We divide up the sexes for the comfort and safety of the kids, because when it comes to teenagers, we believe it’s important to have separate space for things like showering and sleeping.  Sexual desire isn’t the issue, Jim; it’s really just a matter of biology. Gay men use the men’s restroom, and no one has a problem with that!"

Jim came right back:

You’re dodging, Hugo.  When I was in youth group, we changed in front of each other.  Do you ever see the boys in their underwear or naked?

"I suppose sometimes, yes."

Do you think, Hugo, if you saw the girls naked or in their underwear, you might be aroused or uncomfortable?

"Jim! No!  Totally inappropriate question, and I would never put myself in that situation!  EVER!"

Exactly, Hugo! You may not want to go there, buddy, but bear with me: why would you never, ever be in that situation, but you expect Oscar to be?  We’re all human beings.  Are you so confident that your devotion to ministry would conquer your sexual desires?  Do you think it’s possible a gay man might get turned on by being around undressed teenage boys?  Yes or no?

I conceded it was possible.  "But even so, I know Oscar.  He’s got terrific boundaries and a heart for youth ministry.  He would never, ever, ever, cross that line."

That’s great, Hugo; I’m glad you stand up for your friends.  But not all parents know Oscar the way you do.  Should we just take your word for it?  Do you know what Oscar really thinks when he sees my son in the shower?

At this point, I began to get flustered and I lost my cool.  My eagerness to defend Oscar overtook me, and I said some things in anger.  I’m sorry to say that the conversation ended badly.  And frankly, I’ve revisited this debate many times.  I know from experience that gay men and lesbians can be wonderful and safe youth leaders.  But I’ve never found the words to effectively convince concerned parents and others who ask the same sort of questions Jim asked.

In my heart, I’m convinced that the biological sex of the youth leader should be the sole determinant of which cabin he or she sleeps in.  I don’t believe that the potential for sexual arousal is the primary reason why straight male youth leaders aren’t put in the girl’s bunkhouses — though I acknowledge that not everyone agrees with me.  But I’m not yet doing as good a job as I could be of addressing the concerns of those folks, like Jim, who see a serious problem.

So, readers, open question time:

If you were in my position, and belonged to an affirming church, what would you say to a parent like Jim? 

While it’s not necessary for you to support an inclusive and welcoming position on  homosexuality in order to comment, please avoid using hurtful or stereotypical language to refer to gays and lesbians.  Civility in tone and content is mandatory.  Let’s also remember that in youth ministry, trust and accountabilty are everything — so the answers we give to people like Jim need to be couched in loving and respectful language.

A long post on youth ministry, accountability, and fearless loving in a climate of suspicion

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on March 3, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Christianity, Men's Movement, Sexual ethics and transformation, Sexuality and Youth ministry
. 25 Comments

It’s been a good morning, and I finally have some time to blog.  I had back-to-back coffee dates this morning with a couple of different folks at the Fuller Seminary bookstore.  I’m caffeinated and stimulated from some good discussion; I’m also still high from a hard workout.  I want a diet Coke badly, but am restricting and "offering it up."

I’m thinking about this comment that appeared below my post yesterday about the reaction to my use of the term "gorgeous faces" to describe my youth group kids.  "Shfwilf" writes:

It’s a very short trip from an email like this to an accusation of impropriety. If that happens, even though you have not done anything wrong, you will find that your entire life will become an instant nightmare. Best case, you will spend a lot of time and money defending yourself against a false accusation and succeed, but find that your reputation has been ruined. Worst case, you will fail and find yourself labeled a criminal as well as losing time, money and your reputation. You may even find yourself in jail.

I hope you will think long and hard about these possible consequences.

I’m a mental health professional (Child & Adolescent Neurosychologist) and for the last five years I have refused to treat any female patients of any age for any reason. I do this not because I dislike females, but because I need to protect myself to the extent that is possible, and I see no other way of doing it. This doesn’t protect me from an accusation that I did something inappropriate with a male patient, but at least it lessens the odds a bit that something bad will happen to me.

Perhaps we need to work to change "the reality that we live in a climate of heightened suspicion of adult men who work with teens" instead of just passively accepting it.

I feel compelled to respond, because I’m so saddened by what Shfwilf has written.   He — and some of my other commenters — invite me to become outraged at having been the target of suspicion.  They imply that it’s our "culture of misandry" (man-hating) that is to blame for perfectly innocent remarks being misconstrued, and perfectly innocent men being falsely accused of harassment, boundary violations, and molestation.  They encourage me, it seems, to rail against the injustice of it all!

But I’m not gonna get angry at that "parent in Mission Viejo" who took issue with my language.  I’m not gonna take issue with the parents who, learning through the rumor mill about my extremely "colorful" pre-conversion past, contacted the All Saints Church staff to express concern about my service with the youth.  I’m not going to get angry when I’m asked to sign — as I was asked to sign — an agreement never to be entirely alone with a teenage girl at church.  (Not a special request made of me, but one made of all male volunteers.)

You see, abuse and molestation and boundary violations are not the figments of the collective and overactive imagination of worried parents.  Too many men in positions of responsibility have proven themselves unworthy of the trust placed in them.  Too many men have crossed lines that ought never be crossed with the boys and girls for whom they were responsible.  Yes, we are all aware that a small number of adult women have also been guilty of sexual abuse of the young; those rare stories grab extraordinary public attention, largely because they represent only a fraction of the actual number of cases.  There still is every reason to be more suspicious of male youth leaders than of female ones.  I can wish that it were otherwise, but to be an effective youth leader, I’ve got to acknowledge the reality of the problem.  I’m not going to complain about being "guilty until proven innocent"; I’m going to buckle down and get to work at the task of proving myself innocent. 

Of equal importance, I choose to work with other men to help them set up appropriate boundaries with female students, youth groupers, clients, what-have-you.  Rather than sulking because I’m not trusted thanks to my sex, I’m choosing to be proactive.  That "proactivity" means working to help create an environment in my work and in my avocation where we can honor three equally important principles of youth ministry:

1. Safety
2.  Accountability
3.  Intimacy

The kids need to be kept safe emotionally, physically, and sexually.  The youth leaders must be accountable to God, to the church, to the kids, and to one another.  And we must accomplish these first two goals without in any way sacrificing the third priority, to create a loving and intimate environment where we can all share our stories, our hugs, and our love in His name.  I’m committed to all three of these principles, and I’m not willing to give up any one of them for the sake of another.

Here’s a brief example of how this works.  Sometimes, one of the youth group kids will ask to meet with me privately to talk.  I traditionally meet with ‘em on Wednesday afternoons before youth group.  No matter whether I’m meeting with a boy or a girl, I let someone on the church staff know.  "Hey, so-and-so is coming by to talk to me.  We’ll be out front on the bench" (or in the glass-doored junior high room, or wherever).  I check in with another adult right before and right after I meet with the teen, and I always meet somewhere we can both talk without being overheard yet still be seen by others.  Everyone is kept safe, I’m staying accountable, and my kids are able to meet with me intimately and privately.  Yes, setting this up involves some conscious thought — but it’s not that big a deal once you get used to it.

I could never imagine doing what Shfwilf has done; it makes me desperately sad to contemplate such a radical decision.   I would never close myself off to "my girls" for fear of what a false accusation could do to me personally and professionally.   That doesn’t mean I’m reckless; I left behind my disastrously self-destructive streak when I came to Christ!  I trust myself, but I also create opportunities for others to verify my trustworthiness. It may be tedious, but it’s necessary.  It’s necessary because so many of my brothers have betrayed the trust that was placed in them, and it’s up to guys like me to earn some of that trust back.  I don’t share in their guilt, but I must carry — and carry cheerfully — the burden of suspicion that their foolishness created.

Anyone who sees me in youth group knows I’m a "lover."  If it moves, I hug it!  Mind you, I don’t foist my embraces on those who don’t want to be touched; immodestly enough, I believe that my ENFP-ness and my own experience have made me acutely sensitive to what is welcome and what isn’t.  When I’m in church, I want to share the excitement and love I feel with everyone, and I want to make it manifest in physical contact.  I do it publicly and openly, mindful of those three commitments I’ve written about above.  And in the end, I never stop asking God to show me exactly how it is that He wants me to love His lambs  As Caedmon’s Call sing in one of my favorite of their songs, I go into youth ministry walking "with grace my feet and faith my eyes."  If my heart is right, if my prayers are fervent, if I practice common sense, trust my instincts, and let others hold me accountable, then by these things and by divine grace I won’t ever cross the lines I shouldn’t cross. 

When God redeemed me from my life of selfishness and misery, He made it clear to me that I was supposed to love boldly and fearlessly.  And that’s what I’m going to do with the lambs I am privileged to help to feed.

Lenten notes, Blood and Water, and “gorgeous” teens

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on March 2, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Christianity, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 10 Comments

First off, a couple of Lenten notes:

Check out this post from Brian, which compares Ash Wednesday and Lent to the Shi’ite time of Ashura; it’s a most unusual perspective, and a welcome one.

We had a wonderful Ash Wednesday service with the kids last night.  The administration of ashes was done in a big circle; each of us took turns making the mark of the cross on our neighbor’s foreheads and uttering the old line (Dust thou art…).  There was a certain amount of giggling as foreheads were smeared (some kids discovered that using an index finger is more effective than a thumb for making the mark), but overall, it was very powerful.  We also shared the eucharist in the same manner, with each person taking responsibility for administering the host to his or her neighbor.   I’d much rather received a consecrated wafer from the ash-smeared hands of a fifteen year-old than from anyone else.

Yesterday, I wrote that I intended to give the money I saved by giving up sodas for Lent to Episcopal Relief and Development.  Last night, the All Saints youth staff offered a different suggestion, one I’m wholeheartedly embracing along with the kids: Blood and Water Mission, a charity founded by the Christian rock band Jars of Clay.  Blood and Water is concerned with fighting the AIDS crisis in Africa by providing "clean blood and clean water" to those who desperately need both.  The most practical part of the charity is digging wells in villages across Africa to provide drinking water. 

Our kids — and our youth leaders — are ALL being asked to give up soda for Lent, and to give all of the money we would have spent on these drinks to the Blood and Water Mission.  We’ll be collecting weekly, and I’m excited.  It means that I can think of some tangible good coming every time I restrict and hold back from buying the diet Cokes and Monsters I love so much.   (And may I say, I’m also darned happy that All Saints is affiliating with a grass-roots evangelical organization, especially one started by one of my favorite Christian bands.)

Lastly, I’m a little bit piqued.  In my post yesterday, I wrote of my youth group kids: even though I see most of them twice a week, I still eagerly anticipate seeing their gorgeous and delightful faces! This morning, there’s an email in my inbox from a "concerned parent in Mission Viejo" .  This person writes: 

I"m troubled that you call the teenagers in your youth group "gorgeous".  To me, though you may have meant it innocently, it sounds like a term to express lust or desire.  If my daughter were in your youth group at All Saints Church, I’d be worried that her volunteer pastor thinks that "his kids" are "gorgeous."  It makes me wonder about your motives for volunteering with so many teenagers.

I’m not much older than you,and when I was a teenager at church, I had a youth leader who committed some very serious boundary violations against me.  Everyone thought he was this great superhero, so loving and so kind and so clsoe to Jesus. He hurt me very badly.  So I am very acutely sensitive to words and phrases that suggest that someone might be like him.  When you talk about not being able to wait to see your "gorgeous" teenagers, it really really bothers me.

I haven’t replied to the e-mail yet.   Half an hour ago, I was very angry and defensive.  Now, I’m calm.  Those who’ve "seen me in action" over the years at All Saints know that I have excellent boundaries with our teenagers.  Both because of my volunteer experience with youth, and because of my professional background with issues of sexuality and gender, I’d like to think I’m excruciatingly careful not to violate the tremendous trust that has been placed in me.  It’s crucial to me that parents, church staff, and the kids themselves know that Hugo is a very, very "safe" man.

What did I mean when I called my kids "gorgeous"?  I meant that every last pickin’ one of them is beautiful and precious to me. I meant that I’m in awe of the life and the spirit I see inside of them. I meant that sometimes, I see Christ shining right through them, and that’s so flippin’ gorgeous it takes my breath away.  (Sometimes, of course, I think I see Beelzebub himself coming out of a few of my teens, but that’s another topic!)  To me, "gorgeous" meant "when I see my teenagers, I’m filled with spiritual awe and wonder" not "I think my teenagers are hot."

But my intentions and someone else’s perceptions are not the same thing. I should have realized that "gorgeous" is a term that can be understood in many ways, and that a parent — particularly one with his or her own background of abuse — might easily misconstrue my intentions and my feelings.  While I trust myself and believe myself entirely worthy of the trust placed in me, I cannot expect perfect strangers to understand my choice of words in this instance. In our contemporary climate of hysteria about pedophilia and sexual abuse (particularly in church settings), I owe it to the community which I serve to be hyper-vigilant about how my words and actions are perceived.  And though I might still use the word "gorgeous" in that community to describe my amazing, spirit-filled kids, I’ll be careful not to use it or similar terms on the blog without providing an explanation.

A long and personal post about agape, All Saints youth, and the progressive notion of salvation

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on February 9, 2006
in All Saints Pasadena, Christianity, Youth and Youth ministry
. 54 Comments

We had a very satisfying meeting of the youth group at All Saints last night.

During dinner (we eat together before the program begins), I was chatting with one of the teen girls, "Patience",  about her new beau, "Jordan."  Patience likes Jordan a lot, but a problem is emerging: Jordan attends a conservative evangelical church, while Patience has become an ardently progressive Episcopalian in the finest All Saints Pasadena tradition.   Though they haven’t been "going out" for long, Jordan has been making snide remarks to Patience, suggesting that ours is "not a real church".  He is, not surprisingly, vehemently opposed to our staunch support for same-sex marriage.  He wants Patience to start coming to his youth group on Wednesday nights rather than ours.

"He keeps asking me the same question, Hugo", Patience said; "He just wants to know if I’m ’saved’ or not.  I don’t even know how to answer that."  And thus over tacos and brownies, I tried to give a very gentle, comprehensible explanation of how conservative evangelicals understand salvation, and why it is that they are concerned with being saved.  Patience nodded along, and then asked the follow-up question: "Okay, so that’s what he believes.  What do we believe?"  Knowing what our topic was for program last night, I told Patience that rather than tell her, I’d try and show her.

Since this was our last youth group before Valentine’s Day, our topic was love.  Not dating or sex — those come later in the program year.  Rather, we focused on love by talking about the four classic Greek categories of love: storge, eros, philia, and agape.  We had our kids illustrate each of the first three forms of love with silly skits (all of which had to involve a group dance, a ping-pong paddle, and a line from the movie "Napoleon Dynamite", the one film every one of them has seen.)  After that hilarity, we settled into a serious discussion of agape love.  Yes, folks, even at ultra-liberal All Saints, we grounded our talk in Scripture.  Specifically, we worked off this section from 1 John.   As we did so, we asked the kids to share their own experience with feeling radical, unconditional agape love.  Without being prompted, several of our kids immediately began to talk about their experiences in the All Saints community, particularly in youth group.  "This is the one place where I’m not judged, where I know I’m loved no matter what", was a refrain that we heard (gratifyingly often).

In non-theological language, I made the case to the kids that salvation (the word that perplexed Patience) could mean different things based on different readings of the bible and church tradition.  And while some of our dear brothers and sisters might interpret it in terms of who gains entrance into heaven, All Saints — and other progressive churches — make the case that salvation lies in creating agape community.   If there’s one thing that distinguishes progressive Christians from our conservative friends, it’s our conviction that no one gets saved alone!  Salvation happens in community, as we are saved not from the lake of fire of Revelations 20, but from our own self-centeredness and isolation. Salvation, for us, lies in living out the greatest commandment, which is to practice unconditional agape love.  First we create communities of agape love within the church, and then we carry that message outside the church.  We bring salvation through love.

If there was one bible passage I could offer Patience, and the rest of the kids, it would be 1John 4:12:  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.  I love the way that the verse makes clear that God will only live in us if we first love others; it’s a very conditional understanding.  In a nutshell, this is what All Saints might understand salvation to be: the knowledge that God lives in us and we are making His love complete in the world through our actions and above all, through our unconditional agape love for one another.  I think Patience was satisfied with the answer, and she declared that she and Jordan have a big talk coming up about the direction of their budding relationship!

Sometimes, a little voice in my head says to me: "Hugo, this is all well and good, but aren’t you watering down the message of the Gospel?   When you emphasize to your kids that religion is, at its heart, only about sharing and loving unconditionally, aren’t you side-stepping God’s saving work on the cross?  By not making any judgments and loving on everyone with tremendous enthusiasm, you create lots of moments for hugs and tears and feeling really good, but is that all there is to the Christian story?"   My inner conservative evangelical (I have many inner voices) worries that I’m taking an easy, non-confrontational way out; I worry that I’m "watering down" Christianity to a religion that, to paraphrase Lewis, is just "the religion of being nice."

But when I think about agape and my youth group, I think of the end of the gospel of John.  You know, the bit where Jesus makes breakfast for the disciples on the beach?  He asks Peter three times, "Do you love me?" And when Peter answers yes each time, Jesus tells him, "feed my lambs"; "take care of my sheep."   I suppose I’m not the only youth minister who thinks of his beloved teenagers as being like lambs.  And in my heart, I believe that by trying my best to love everyone of these kids as much as I can, as intensely as I can, with as much openness and freedom from conditions as I can, I am feeding them just as Jesus wants me to.   My conservative friends will tell me that I’m feeding them a diet of sweet sugar that tastes good, but is ultimately not enough to end real hunger — but I’m convinced and convicted that we at All Saints are giving them the real deal.

When all the hugs were over last night, and I’d finished up "checking in" one-on-one with a couple of kids who were going through hard times, I walked to my car and began to cry.  Was it just my ENFP personality experiencing the elation that comes from prolonged intimacy with a group? Or was it a spiritual joy that comes from having done what I was called to do?  With a fair amount of certainty, I’m going to say it was the latter.

Myspace and the youth leader

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on February 2, 2006
in Youth and Youth ministry
. 12 Comments

Another very successful youth group gathering last night.   I say this every year, but I continue to be amazed by the depth,the generosity, and the goodness of "my kids" — even as I also see in them so much hurt and woundedness.

A couple of the kids were complaining last night about last week’s Dateline report about the popular Myspace internet site.  I don’t know of a single one of my teens who doesn’t "have a Myspace" page.  The Dateline NBC report was not something any of them watched, but some of their parents did.  It raised fears that the site, immensely popular with tweens, teens and twenty-somethings, was a haven for predators.  To the horror of more than one kid I know, parents have started demanding to view the pages their children have put up on Myspace, and are insisting on "editorial control" over the images and prose that their kids share with the world.

In the fall of 2004, I first started hearing about Myspace from my youth group kids.  I told them, "Hey, I have a blog too", and gave them the URL for this page.  But not surprisingly, those kids who did visit this blog found it boring beyond words.  They urged me to sign up for Myspace.  "Get a Myspace, Hugo, and you can be our friend!"  Myspace, you see, is based on creating communities of friends who get access to each other’s photos and blogs, and who can send each other instant messages.  I thought it sounded like a fun way to keep in touch with the kids during the week when I don’t see them (they have my e-mail but rarely use it), so I signed up.

I created my own little Myspace page, put up a few pictures, and quickly became "friends" with many of the kids in my youth group.   Since my page was listed under my own name (just as this blog is), a few of my students at the college quickly discovered it.  Soon I had several dozen friends, none of whom was older than 25, and most of whom were under 18.   But as I started visiting the pages that my youth group kids had created for themselves, I was a bit stunned.  It wasn’t just the profanity (and the poor grammar); it wasn’t the loud rap music that blared at me. (You can personalize your page so that your favorite song plays when someone visits.)   Frankly, what got me was the sexuality.  A number of the girls and boys put up provocative pictures of themselves.  None rose to the level of actual pornography — I’m told Myspace won’t permit that — but underwear is apparently adequate attire.  I definitely don’t need to see my teenagers in their underwear, nor do I need to read their answers to the endless polls they send around, all of which ask one version or another of the same question: "What have you done sexually, and how many people have you done it with?"

For a while, I hoped that my presence on Myspace might have the effect of encouraging the kids to tone things down a bit.  I sent messages to all of my "friends", asking them questions about school, life, and (believe it or not), God.  But if I thought I could chaperone the internet, I was quite mistaken!  I think my teenagers in youth group, many of whom I’ve known since they were in elementary school, love and respect me.  But I also know that they don’t see me as a parent, and they aren’t going to "tone down" their conversation or delete certain images just because they’ve invited me into their "space."  And after debating about it for a while, I deleted my Myspace account last summer.

I left Myspace for a couple of reasons.  Chiefly, I left because I was worried what a parent of one of my teens might think if they found me on their child’s "friends" list.  What, they might wonder, is a 38 year-old man doing on Myspace with a whole bunch of teenagers?  Given the raunchy nature of so much of the content, I realized that my continued presence on Myspace could raise some uncomfortable questions.  As an adult male who volunteers with teenagers, I’m already subject to considerable — and in today’s climate justifiable — scrutiny.  The last thing I need is to exacerbate the anxiety that many parents may already feel about entrusting their kid to a youth leader.

I also left because I wanted to preserve my own boundaries.  I’m adamant that the kids I work with at church, and the students whom I teach, can come and talk to me about absolutely anything.   Over the years, I’ve walked with young people through every imaginable issue: an unexpected pregnancy, the suicide of a parent, anorexia, cutting, drug abuse, sexual molestation, and the difficult journey out of the closet.  But while I am open to talking about anything, there are some images of my kids that I don’t need in my head, some words of theirs I don’t need to read!  If those who rely on me need my support, I’m easy to get a hold of.  But I’m not going to enter the frenetic social world of Myspace merely to ensure that those for whom I am charged to care can find me easily. 

I’m not a parent, I’m a youth leader.  Parents should monitor the internet usage of their minor teens.  Youth leaders, on the other hand, should discuss boundaries with kids in a group setting.  We’ve scheduled a "Myspace evening" in youth group for later this spring.  We’ll let the kids talk about what they like and don’t like, and then we’ll talk about boundaries.  We’ll talk about basic issues of safety, and we’ll talk about what makes the idea of creating a cyber-identity and a virtual "life" so compelling and seductive.  But while I’m eager to hear more about just what it is they love so much about Myspace, I’m not willing to step into that world again. 

The last post of ‘05, a note on youth groups and truth-telling

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on December 14, 2005
in All Saints Pasadena, Faith, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 21 Comments

I’ll have one more poem up tomorrow, but this is my last post of 2005.  Hugo will be on hiatus until the first week in January.  This means I won’t be returning my emails after tonight.  A joyous Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and college bowl season to all!

Sometimes, the gulf between progressive and conservative churches is a vast one.  Check out this piece in Christianity Today: "Broken Trust".  It’s a short story about what happens in an evangelical high school youth group when a leader "falls short" of the mark.  Here’s how it starts:

Thad gripped the Bible on his lap as he sat on the couch, staring blankly at the twinkling Christmas lights on the bushes across the street. Usually he loved the lights, but Pastor Griffin’s words at the emergency meeting last night had completely sapped his holiday spirit. Jason, the youth pastor who had totally energized their youth group over the past two and a half years, had resigned. His fiancée, Courtney, was pregnant.

The news stunned Thad. As youth group president, he’d spent a lot of time with Jason, and he thought Jason was practically the perfect Christian. He had whole chapters of Scripture memorized, led amazing worship times, and preached better than Pastor Griffin. Youth group membership had tripled since he arrived. Courtney helped out with the group, too, leading a Bible study for the girls. They seemed so solid, so faithful. Thad couldn’t be more disappointed and hurt.

I’m always careful not to poke fun at my more conservative brothers and sisters in Christ.  I’ve worshiped with them, worked with them, prayed with them.  I have tremendous respect for the commitment that so many folks have to traditional sexual morality, a morality that so many of them believe to be the only one congruent with the bible message.

At the same time, I read this and rolled my eyes.  I tried to imagine what would happen at All Saints if we learned that one of our youth leaders was pregnant "out of wedlock."  Would any of our All Saints kids be disappointed?  I doubt it.  After all, they already know that most of their adult youth leaders didn’t "wait" until marriage, and they know that we don’t preach abstinence either.  I know many of the parents of our kids, and I can’t imagine many of them being shocked and saddened.

I know full well that even at liberal churches, youth ministers (both volunteer and professional) are up on pedestals.  Our teens watch us carefully; we do serve as role models.  That’s a sacred thing to those of us who serve the All Saints youth.  We know that we could easily disappoint and hurt our kids by breaking our commitments and violating their faith in us.  You see, that’s the issue that strikes me in the CT story.  To my mind, "Thad" isn’t disappointed and hurt because Jason and Courtney are pregnant.  Thad is disappointed because Jason and Courtney preached one thing and then did another.   

Kids take honesty with deadly seriousness.  To most young people, hypocrisy is the most grievous of sins.  In some sense, that makes the task of those of us in liberal churches much easier!  We aren’t expected to live up to a standard of abstinence before marriage.  Of course, we are expected to be faithful in marriage, and if it came out that a youth leader had been unfaithful to his or her partner, that would prove quite hurtful to many of our kids.  More than anything else, teens want to know that those who care for them match their language to their lives.  And whether liberal or conservative on issues of sexual morality, all youth groups can be devastated by a sudden and obvious revelation about a leader’s "real" life.

So as I reread the little story, I realized that All Saints Pasadena isn’t all that far from Thad’s fictional evangelical church.  Yes, we have a different understanding of sexual morality.  But on other issues, we are just as likely to place our pastors and our youth leaders on pedestals, and just as likely to be communally shocked when one of them falls off.

A few years ago, I was happily active in another church. I was asked to step down from leadership when certain facts became known about my living arrangements.  I did so politely and without rancor, but knew that I could not be part of a community that had such a narrow understanding of what constituted holiness and right action.    But the fact that I didn’t like that particular standard does not mean that I reject all standards for those in Christian leadership.  And if the highest standard is to live as an instrument of Christ’s love, the second highest standard is to match what we say with what we think and what we do.  If we can prayerfully embody His radical love, and tell the truth while doing so, we are fulfilling the very special "great commission" given to those who work with youth.

An exceptionally long post on girls, boys, dress and desire

Published
by
Hugo Schwyzer
on November 21, 2005
in All Saints Pasadena, Clothing and Fashion, Faith, Favorite Posts, 2004-2006, Feminism, Men and Masculinity, Modesty, Sexuality, Youth and Youth ministry
. 29 Comments

A number of folks in the "femosphere" (my new term for feminist blogosphere) have been discussing the latest salvo in the "Teenage Fashions are Turning Our Daughters into Whores and it’s all Feminism’s Fault" wars, this Washington Post piece from yesterday’s paper:  What’s Wrong with This Outfit, Mom?  Today, Amanda and Jill both offer excellent "fiskings" of the Patricia Dalton op-ed.

I wouldn’t add my own thoughts, save for two particular paragraphs near the end of the article.  Dalton writes in the first one:

The girls who dress the most outrageously are often those most starved for adult male attention, first and foremost from their fathers. This happens most commonly with girls whose fathers have disappeared from their lives, perhaps following a divorce, or because their workaholic schedules leave them little time for their children. Children who are raised with attention and affection tend to identify with and admire their parents. This identification is the basis for both discipline and the transmission of values. Without it, parents can’t do their job.

I’m with her so far. Dalton is spot on that the absence of safe, loving adult male figures (fathers in particular) is linked to young women’s need for attention.   To be fair, it ignores the possibility that some teenage girls have their own agency, and are interested in sex with boys not because of absent fathers but because of their own libidos. I do not suggest that they are the majority of young women, but they are not an unheard-of subset of American adolescents.  Still, Dalton is to be applauded for her suggestion that men’s workaholic schedules play a part in the problem.  Anyone who is advocating that fathers spend more quality time interacting with their sons and daughters and less time at work, on the Internet, or in front of the TV is going to get no argument from me!

But the second quoted paragraph is a disaster:

I often recommend that fathers be the parent to take the lead in setting limits on their daughters’ dress, because opposite sex offspring typically cut that parent more slack. Fathers can say, "Honey, you can’t wear that. I know teenage boys — I was one!" A dad like this is looking out for his daughter and treating her as someone special.

Jill does a nice job tackling this:

No, he isn’t. He’s putting her in an even more vulnerable position — if something does happen with one of those teenage boys, she’ll internalize it as her fault for dressing in a particular way. When she goes out of the house and sees other girls dressing in more revealing clothes, she’ll become part of the group that looks at them and says, “You’re a slut.” Adolescence is hard enough on young women; when they’re already desperately trying to fit in and find their own identities, the worst thing one can do is encourage greater rifts between “good girls” and “bad girls,” and create even deeper insecurities in all of them.

And where is the dad who says, “Honey, I was a teenage boy once. I know that they’re capable of being reasonable human beings, and of treating women well. Don’t accept anything less than that” — and who tells his sons the same thing? Sexual equality and women’s physical safety simply cannot come from women alone. Shaming young girls about the way they dress isn’t the way to achieve anything.

Jill nails that,and I agree completely.

Thinking about what I would much rather have men say to their daughters, and thinking about what I say to teenage girls and boys, leads me into another youth group anecdote (you knew it would).  Three years ago, we were in the midst of our "sex month" with the kids at youth group.  (Four consecutive Wednesday nights of talking about sexuality, dating, and Christian ethics "All Saints style").  As we always do, we spent some time in single-sex groups.  There were just two youth leaders at the time, and my female colleague took the girls off to one room, while I went to another with the boys.

It was May.  The weather was warm.  One girl in our group, widely regarded by both sexes as being among the "hottest" of her peers, had worn some very short shorts, flip flops, and a tiny top to youth group.  As soon as I got the boys alone in the room, two of them started talking excitedly about what "Janae" (name changed, of course) had been wearing.   One of the boys, using what seemed to be the pervasive lingo of 2003, said "Dang, when I look at those shorts all I think is how much I want to ‘hit that’!" (The meaning of "hit that" ought to be clear even for those of you who don’t hang out with the younger set these days.)  The other boys all laughed and concurred,and then turned towards me with sheepish grins.  Yes, their youth minister was with them — but he was also a man, and they were operating under the homosocial assumption that even in church, it’s okay to objectify women and girls as long as only other men are around.

A younger Hugo would have rebuked them sharply.  I could so easily have given them the "Janae is your sister in Christ, boys!" lecture, and tried to shame them.  An even less mature Hugo might have validated what they were saying by agreeing about Janae’s attractiveness, if for no other reason than to affirm my masculine bona fides by showing them that I too was, after all, "just another guy" who enjoyed looking at pretty girls.  (Obviously, for the record, I never have nor will I ever use sexually objectifying language about any of the kids in my youth group.  But  I have heard stories of other male youth leaders at other churches who have not felt the same need to restrict, sadly enough).

But since the subject was supposed to be sex anyway, I figured I’d use Janae’s shorts as a teaching moment.   So I asked the boys: "What’s it like when a girl like Janae is showing a lot of skin? How does it make you feel?"  The re